"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’ve been in so much mental anguish for so long that I knew I had to reach out for help. I asked my Doctor to write me a referral to 4 of the Private Psych Hospitals here in Perth and God made a way because I got admitted to HC yesterday afternoon.

I shook as I packed my suitcase, bringing my favourite jumper and pjs for comfort and leggings and baggy tshirts for “day wear”. I didn’t know what to expect and was frightened about having to be away from Alun and so far from home.

My fears were put to ease by my “hotel-like” private room with my own bathroom and the staff all seem really nice. We get allocated our own Nurses and Maria (allocated to me) was really nice. She asked me a set of questions to determine how bad my depression and suicidal ideation was and deemed me “a high risk” from my answers so she spent the day checking in on me.

I got allocated my own psychiatrist too, and was worried what he would be like. I didn’t get to meet him until after dinner but he’s really nice! Soft spoken, loves to tell “Dad jokes” and seems very interested in being a Christian, bless him. He shook my hand about 5 times (very, very gently- as if a ghost was shaking my hand, I could barely feel his hand around mine) which I found a little odd, but for the most part, he was determined to make me feel better so we’re onto a good start.

I’m praising God that we have “top table” Health Insurance because staying here is “free” (paid for by HBF) which includes daily care by Nurses, psych appointments, group therapy (mandatory otherwise I’d defo skip that) and a ROOM SERVICE MENU of really tasty options I get to choose from every day! How cool is that?!?

I’m scared and anxious here and I’m writing this at 5am because I can’t sleep in an unfamiliar bed, but I have to believe this will all be for the best. I’m secretly hoping this hospital stay blesses Alun too – now he doesn’t have to shoulder the burden of looking after me on his own and can concentrate on work and resting after work.

My friends have been CHAMPIONS of looking after me, texting, calling, emailing and sending their love, prayers and support. I feel like the most loved girl in the world.

If I wasn’t so severely depressed, that would all make me so happy but my mind REFUSES to accept anything good and instead dwells on the worry, fear and sadness.

I messaged Mom last night that I’m in Hospital which was so hard as I don’t want to worry her but I know she would want to know. Mom video called me in tears and was worried and upset. I hate that I did that. I assured Mom I’m in great hands and sent photos of my room, hoping to put her at ease. I hope it helps. We both cried, missing Dad and wishing we could talk to him about this. The grief is so big and seems to never end. Losing a parent is a huge devastating event and it never goes away. It broke my heart to see Mom cry.

I am here voluntarily so I can leave at any time. I’ve promised myself (and now my psych – over yet another handshake, haha) that I’m going to do everything I can to get better. Weird how the onus is on ME to get well when I’M the one who wants to die. This is so hard and sooo painful but I have to try.

I have a full day of group therapy (Lord help me) but I’m actually looking forward to meeting the other patients and being a friend to anyone who needs one.

Wish me luck today, ok? I’ll update you again soon.