Waiting for the hammer to fall.

As a teen, I got into trouble a lot. My Mom got stoned every day, and my Dad was never far from the next can or bottle of beer, so there was always tension in our home and when things inevitably fell apart, it was always my fault and my responsibility to fix it.

I was always wary. Always afraid. I would tread carefully around both parents and from a young age, I’d watch my parents closely – carefully reading facial cues and doing my best to stay out of trouble.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling of fear. The question of “when am I next getting bollocked?” hung over me like a permanent dark cloud.

The anxiety that would start to bloom in my stomach on a normal, sunny day as I rode my bike home from school; wondering what I was in for…it’s back.

Only this time, I’m waiting for someone I’ve been obsessed with to leave me.

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you’ll know all about my obsession with Matt and how our worlds seem to collide every 10 years or so. I was convinced there was something linking us; an invisible silver string that meant we couldn’t fully let each other go.

For over 30 years, Matt and I have somehow been in each other’s lives.

Since falling in love with and marrying Alun, my obsession has died down.

In many ways, I feel like an alcoholic who has been sober for 13 years, but every once in a while…I see the glint of sunlight off a bottle and my mouth waters, yearning for a taste. Just one taste.

But it never stops at one, does it?

Obsession and addiction are powerful and dangerous because they take over your life. In my life, my obsession with Matt has been buried…but every once in a while, I dig it back up just to make sure it’s there.

I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I can’t just let him go. I don’t want to have ears that prick up whenever I hear his name. I don’t want my heart to race whenever Matt messages me on Facebook. I don’t want to be like this or act like this.

In our last few convos online, Matt has made it clear he wants to distance himself from me. I’ve been impressed by his wisdom and have focused on my marriage to Alun.

What confuses me is that Matt keeps messaging me. He’ll ask for space, but then message something like “I still care about you, I just don’t want you to ruin your marriage”.

Ok. Message received, Matt.

I won’t contact him but he will continue to contact me.

“Oi, just making sure you’re ok”

I’d be better if you stopped messaging me.

The last time I messaged Matt was a few days ago. I gave into temptation and I messaged “Hey you – all ok?”

He messaged back with this:

I’m pretty pissed off with his assumptions to be honest.

I literally asked how he was. I didn’t say anything inappropriate or give any notion of flirting or trying to hit on him, so I think his response was uncalled for.

I’m angry so right now, I just want to unfriend him.

I want to get ahead of the heartache I know is coming.

I struggle with this because I wanted to send a message first. I wanted to explain myself to Matt. The draft messages I’m composing in my mind are getting too long, too emotional, and are bordering on batshit crazy.

JD, you’re losing it.

It’s probably best not to message and just cut Matt off.

Unfriend and move on.

It’s not like it will be any skin off his nose.

It frustrates me that Matt won’t care. It hurts me that I need him to.

Instead of being mature, wise and grown up by unfriending Matt, moving forward and never looking back, I’m waiting.

Waiting for Matt to leave me.

Because this is what happens. This is the cycle he and I seem caught in. He holds all the cards. He rolls the dice.

It would be unprecedented for me to be the one to call it off.

I can’t believe how pathetic I am, sometimes. Why can’t I just walk away?

It’s like picking at a sore instead of leaving it alone and letting it heal. I’m hurting myself more. I’m hurting my marriage. It’s not good for my mental and emotional health.

Yet I can’t put the bottle down.

4 responses to “Waiting for the hammer to fall.”

  1. Dear Janet, what a difficult and emotional situation you are in at the moment. I feel for you and understand the link to picking up a drink, as I’ve been down that path in the past, too, both with addiction and also a past relationship. Matt seems to be playing mind games with you, I think, and I hope you don’t mind me saying that, but they are just my thoughts taken from the little I know about your whole situation. To keep messaging you as he is is very unfair, and no one could blame you for being caught between your feelings for Matt and, of course, Alun. It’s a very difficult one. I can hear your pain in all this. I wish I had an answer for you, but all I can offer is my own understanding, having been through a similar thing in my past, too.

    My experience was only different in that my ‘relationship’ was with a carer I had and was very fond of. She’d been with me for several years, and we were more like best friends than a working relationship. She got Covid and was off (paid by me) for a few weeks. Once she was better, I was so looking forward to seeing her again, and then, out of the blue, I got a message saying she wasn’t coming back! Just like that – no reason, no excuse etc. I was hurt to the core. She blocked me on everything – Facebook, text, WhatsApp, Messenger, phone etc. I never knew why or what I’d done. Even after six years, I’m tempted to reach out to her; I scour Facebook to see if she’s unblocked me, I tried to phone, but she’s blocked my number. I know I can’t reach her, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. There’s part of me that would have her back in an instant! Whenever I think of doing this, I know I’m only hurting myself, but it doesn’t stop the desire and the temptation. Sorry, I’ve gone a bit off track … I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone with these feelings.

    I can’t tell you what to do about Matt. I think he’s being very unfair to you, though. It’s like he knows you’re happy with Alun but has to put an oar in every now and then, possibly knowing that his messages will leave you feeling insecure, confused and torn. It’s unfair of him. I hope I haven’t offended you with my thoughts, my friend; you know how much a care about you, and I hate to see you hurting like this. If ever this ever gets too much for you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch, and I’ll be happy to listen to you. I care 💓. Sending you so much love and comforting, peace-filled hugs Xxx 💝

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Darling Ellie, oh my word I’m so sorry your carer suddenly and without explanation ghosted you like that. Losing someone you thoughts of as a dear friend can hurt just as much as losing a boyfriend. I feel so understood by you and I appreciate your kindness in reaching out and not leaving me hanging, waiting for someone to “hear” me.

      You haven’t offended me at all, you’ve cemented some thoughts I had about Matt anyway. I’ve felt over 3 decades that our “thing” was always my fault entirely but when I look back on Matt’s messages, he knows the effect he has on me and reels me in any time he feels insecure in his own life. Like an idiot, I come running 🏃‍♀️ I’m so disappointed with myself. This addiction is so hard to let go of and would be easier if one of us once and for all cut off contact. Because of how badly it messed me up last time Matt left me, I’m really wanting to get ahead of that pain and unfriend him before he does it to me.

      It sounds so immature of me, I know.

      I hope you get another carer who won’t abandon you, Ellie. You’re a beautiful girl inside and out and deserve to be appreciated and treated with the same kindness you so easily give to others.

      Sending you big hugs 🫂 xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  2. May you find peace in the days ahead.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Richard. I know if I lean on God, He’ll guide me through. It’s just that I’m stubborn and determined to do things in my own strength…that’s where it all goes wrong.

      Like

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