As a teen, I got into trouble a lot. My Mom got stoned every day, and my Dad was never far from the next can or bottle of beer, so there was always tension in our home and when things inevitably fell apart, it was always my fault and my responsibility to fix it.
I was always wary. Always afraid. I would tread carefully around both parents and from a young age, I’d watch my parents closely – carefully reading facial cues and doing my best to stay out of trouble.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling of fear. The question of “when am I next getting bollocked?” hung over me like a permanent dark cloud.
The anxiety that would start to bloom in my stomach on a normal, sunny day as I rode my bike home from school; wondering what I was in for…it’s back.
Only this time, I’m waiting for someone I’ve been obsessed with to leave me.
If you’ve been reading my blogs, you’ll know all about my obsession with Matt and how our worlds seem to collide every 10 years or so. I was convinced there was something linking us; an invisible silver string that meant we couldn’t fully let each other go.
For over 30 years, Matt and I have somehow been in each other’s lives.
Since falling in love with and marrying Alun, my obsession has died down.
In many ways, I feel like an alcoholic who has been sober for 13 years, but every once in a while…I see the glint of sunlight off a bottle and my mouth waters, yearning for a taste. Just one taste.
But it never stops at one, does it?
Obsession and addiction are powerful and dangerous because they take over your life. In my life, my obsession with Matt has been buried…but every once in a while, I dig it back up just to make sure it’s there.
I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I can’t just let him go. I don’t want to have ears that prick up whenever I hear his name. I don’t want my heart to race whenever Matt messages me on Facebook. I don’t want to be like this or act like this.
In our last few convos online, Matt has made it clear he wants to distance himself from me. I’ve been impressed by his wisdom and have focused on my marriage to Alun.
What confuses me is that Matt keeps messaging me. He’ll ask for space, but then message something like “I still care about you, I just don’t want you to ruin your marriage”.
Ok. Message received, Matt.
I won’t contact him but he will continue to contact me.
“Oi, just making sure you’re ok”
I’d be better if you stopped messaging me.
The last time I messaged Matt was a few days ago. I gave into temptation and I messaged “Hey you – all ok?”
He messaged back with this:
I’m pretty pissed off with his assumptions to be honest.
I literally asked how he was. I didn’t say anything inappropriate or give any notion of flirting or trying to hit on him, so I think his response was uncalled for.
I’m angry so right now, I just want to unfriend him.
I want to get ahead of the heartache I know is coming.
I struggle with this because I wanted to send a message first. I wanted to explain myself to Matt. The draft messages I’m composing in my mind are getting too long, too emotional, and are bordering on batshit crazy.
JD, you’re losing it.
It’s probably best not to message and just cut Matt off.
Unfriend and move on.
It’s not like it will be any skin off his nose.
It frustrates me that Matt won’t care. It hurts me that I need him to.
Instead of being mature, wise and grown up by unfriending Matt, moving forward and never looking back, I’m waiting.
Waiting for Matt to leave me.
Because this is what happens. This is the cycle he and I seem caught in. He holds all the cards. He rolls the dice.
It would be unprecedented for me to be the one to call it off.
I can’t believe how pathetic I am, sometimes. Why can’t I just walk away?
It’s like picking at a sore instead of leaving it alone and letting it heal. I’m hurting myself more. I’m hurting my marriage. It’s not good for my mental and emotional health.
Yet I can’t put the bottle down.
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