Today I give up

Yesterday’s effects are like the aftershocks of an earthquake. The words of the horrifying experiences of the other patients that they felt to unburden me with go through me like unpleasant shudders. On the hour. Every hour. Their words on a cruel loop in my mind. A record on repeat I can’t seem to stop.

“James” has been happy today, singing songs and even dancing a jig during this morning’s “behavioural activation”.

“Hal” has been laughing and sharing jokes with other patients. He contributed ideas in today’s 2nd groups therapy session which pleased the facilitator so Hal got praised and was beaming.

The Eating Disorder Girls seem much happier today too, smiling across at each other and sharing jokes and funny stories about Uni, boys and sex. Good for them.

“Suzie” or whatever pseudonym I gave her yesterday is wearing a bright beanie and has glitter all over her eyelids and carefully placed in pretty patterns down her cheeks. I’m slowly learning this is a sign of her happiness and on “bad days“, Suzie is fresh-faced and tearful.

Everyone seems so much better.

I feel 100000000000000000000000 times worse.

As patients, we are told to:

1. Try “emotional regulation techniques” to calm ourselves down. NOT WORKING. I’m distressed and feel like I’m drowning. No distractions are working.

2. See our appointed Nurse. Today “Sally” is my Nurse. She was my Nurse last night, too. There’s something familiar about her I can’t seem to place but I can’t shake the feeling we’ve met before outside of the hospital setting. I’ve tried THREE TIMES to tell Sally I’m distressed. On this very cold day (I’m wearing jeans, a jumper and thick socks), Sally suggested “an icepack on your head to calm your Vegas nerve, Janet”. WTF?!? When I’m already so cold? It’s a hard NO from me. Then Sally suggested “a little lay down in your room” which just allows the memories of yesterday’s carnage free reign in the dark, deep caverns of my mind. NOT FUCKING HELPFUL at all. On the 3rd request for some help, Sally said she’d call my psychiatrist Dr C and ask to give me anti-anxiety medication.

Gee, thanks. What the fuck do I do in the meantime?!?

I’m so angry!!! I’m upset. I’m alarmed that nothing is fucking working and that as each hour passes, I’m feeling more and more suicidal.

I want to die.

I’ve tried so hard, you know. I’ve admitted myself to Hospital voluntarily, I’ve asked repeatedly for help and I’ve tried a variety of things to calm myself down, but my anxiety is through the roof AND I NEED IT TO STOP. NOW. NOT IN A FEW DAYS OF “MEETINGS” between bilergerant (sp?), uncaring, disinterested “Nurses” and a Psychiatrist I never see about what they could do to maybe help me.

Now. I need help right now!!!

Panicked, I rang Alun.

He is hungover from a huge party with his friends last night and had nothing to contribute apart from a few yawns.

“I’ll come see you at 3, Gorg – have a rest until then”

Alun. You sound like one of the Nurses!!!

I feel so hopeless. Literally HOPE-LESS.

Zero hope of anything getting better.

How is someone supposed to live like this?!?

I literally don’t know.

Dying is the only option left.

11 responses to “Today I give up”

  1. Must be frustrating not getting the meds you need on time. Hope they hurry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 6 hours later and I finally got some medication. Sooo angry!!! Oh Shanti…why do we even bother sometimes?!?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So frustrating for sure

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Caught in a time and place that isn’t your own, it does sound awful for you, and I can only imagine what it is like to go through, but I’m good at imagining. Unwanted replay of events, thoughts and feelings can feel like drowning, all the time. It can make you feel disconnected to yourself, people, reality, feelings. I’m so sorry you are in such a dark place, and that you aren’t finding any comfort in the system or around you. I hope there is a light in the darkness for you somewhere, even if it’s just a small flickering off in the distance, seemingly too small to notice, it can get brighter x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sooo much for commenting. I worry my posts will come across as “dramatic” or “extra” so to have you reach out with understanding and so much warmth and kindness means sooo much, I can’t explain how much. I’ll keep looking for that flicker of light.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It is so damn hard to do the right thing with no help from anyone else! I wish we were closer so we could talk. Regardless Stella and I send love, kisses and great big hugs to get lost in❤️🐾

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The hardest thing about mental illness is that the person suffering has to be the one to chase Nurses, to DEMAND assistance, to repeat themselves when it’s bloody hard the 1st time to ask for help…it’s absolutely maddening. Thank you for sending kindness and doggo kisses (slobbery? Lol) across the world 🌎 I appreciate you and Stella so much xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. “Normal” people complain that we suffer in silence. Gee, I wonder why? If you want us to ask for help then actually HELP when we ask!😡 On a happier note you are very welcome! Stella’s kisses are not slobbery as a rule. Unless she has just gotten a drink of water! I am glad we can get you atleast a small smile in your day😘🥰🐾

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are both sooo lovely and I’m so blessed to hear from you, especially considering you’re going through rough times right now too.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I am grateful to have someone else that understands.❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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