Yesterday was a really, really hard day. I was climbing the walls in an extremely high state of distress and no matter how many times I waited to be seen at the Nurses station, asked for help, got told “yes, in a minute – go back to your room and put some mindfulness and distress tolerance practices (WTF?!?) into place as you wait”…NOBODY HELPED ME.

Not once in the FIVE HOURS I WAITED.

I was so angry and as each hour ticked by, my distress was rising like an angry, increasingly dangerous tide. I kept going back and asking repeatedly for help “PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME! Someone! Please!”, but I just kept being sent away.

Who does that with a suicidal patient? How is this OK?

I swear if I had gotten hold of a plastic bag, I wouldn’t be alive today to type this blog. In the state I was in yesterday, I was no longer human, I was a frightened animal who wanted to end the pain IMMEDIATELY. I would have put a bag over my head, tied it tight around my neck and considered it a win. I was RAGING and BEYOND REASON after SO LONG waiting with no one coming to help me. I really did just want to die and screw whatever consequences. I was in the darkest valley and couldn’t see a way out. I was more than happy to end my own life.

How could they have left me like that? For HOURS?!?

I EVEN RANG LIFELINE from within a psychiatric facility.


It boggles my mind that they helped 100 times more than ACTUAL NURSES ON THE FUCKING WARD DID.

All I really wanted was to be HEARD. I wanted to be validated “Yes, that must have been awful for you” and I calmed down almost instantly after 5 hours of RAGING when a LIFELINE operator just listened to me.

The Health system charges $1000.00 PER NIGHT for each room here at this ‘fancy pants’ Private Hospital. For that much money, I could be at the Crown Towers in the Casino dining on 5 star meals for every meal, luxuriating in a hot tub, sitting on the end of my King Sized, luxury bed in a fluffy bath robe and going for facials and swimming in their huge crystal waters pools instead of sitting in an empty “common room” and putting up with the STONE COLD meals we get given 3 times a day. For that much fucking money – you can bet SOMEONE would listen to me at the Casino.

But here…we are mostly treated like chattle; Breakfast. “Behavioural activation” (a group walk around the hospital grounds every morning). Group therapy. Lunch. Group Therapy. Short Break. Group Therapy. Dinner. “Free time”. Night meds. Sleep. Repeat.

I don’t understand, guys. I really don’t. How is this supposed to help me? HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP ANYONE?!?

I’m distressed that THIS is the best GOLD CLASS PRIVATE HEALTH CARE can offer and it’s way below par in terms of health CARE.

I can feel my heart starting to race and my palms are starting to sweat so I’ll change topic now and tell you the things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful for Alun who visits faithfully every single day.

I’m thankful for Kristy, Sophie, Sam, Bridie, my bonus parents Pete and Lyn and my friend Chris who all check in on me every day – sometimes several times a day. I am so blessed by their love and thoughtfulness. I am so grateful to be surrounded by so much love, warmth and wisdom when I feel I am losing my damn mind.

Because of the other day’s trauma from taking on the burdens of so many other patients, I stay in my room now. It makes me feel so lonely.

BUT!!! whenever I line up for dinner, ALL the WARDS (there are 3 of them) gather to get our meals and I’ve met a bunch of 4-5 patients from the Nickel ward who are hilarious and really sweet. We joke about as we wait for dinner and as we’ve met over a course of nights now, they recognise me when I get to the dining hall now and cheer when they see me. It’s really nice. I feel so lonely on my own ward…it would be so nice to be able to ‘jump ship’ and hang out at Nickel instead. I wonder how I can run that by my Psychiatrist? Dr C basically runs/owns this entire facility so if anyone could arrange a ‘ship swap’, it would be him.

Not sure how I’d pull that off, though.

“Um…Doctor C…The thing is…Yesterday I wanted to die, but today I’d like to play scrabble or giant Jenga in the Nickel ward with my new mates – would it be cool to please swap me over onto their ward?”

Not sure that would go down well. Especially after I was LIVID yesterday about not being taken seriously.

Pity. I would have loved to have gone through the next few days/weeks (God, I hope it’s not weeks) with a bunch of really cool friends. We bounce off each other so well and I look forward to meal times because I get to see my pals. I can’t remember their names (oops) but it’s 3 guys and 2 girls and they’re really, really cool.

They told me to come hang with them in the ‘smokers area’ here at Hospital. I remember it from the time I was here for 3 weeks last December and had made a bunch of mates not too different from these guys. Because Bridie was over at the Edis ward, we’d both go to the ‘smokers area’ because anyone from any ward can go there and we could talk and spend time together.

I’ll go check it out tomorrow. I hope I still remember how to get there?

Tonight is the first night with my new antidepressants so I hope it goes okay. I hope these new tablets don’t make me sick. I hope they help me sleep…

I hope. I hope. I hope.

12 responses to “HOW IS THIS OK?!?”

  1. I thought I was the only one who calculated what I pay for doctor visits and compared to what I could have bought instead. It’s truly crazy prices for decent care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is ASTOUNDING how much basic care costs. Yes, our private rooms are “nice” and we get a wide variety of food choices here but NONE of this is worth $1000 PER NIGHT, surely? To be ignored when in distress…no amount of money can replace a kind, listening ear.
      My fear is for those who can’t afford Private Health care. What happens to them? If this is the best that’s offered to the “well off”, I dread to think what’s available to the lower class.
      We need to do better…especially for those who can’t afford it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s terrible to be left alone when you’re desperate for help.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Try and find some calm thoughts where you can, and great that you have visitors and people to break up the monotony. It’s hard work trying to balance yourself and can feel like wading through treacle. And sometimes medication can help, if only to numb the emotions long enough for you try and work out what you are so unhappy with in your life, or if there is something you need to address. I’m sorry I don’t know your full situation, so it may not be that, but sometimes it’s a good starting point 👍🖤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reaching out and wanting to help with thoughtful, practical ideas 💡 I appreciate that so much. Visitors are definitely a welcome relief. Drugs…not so much
      Dr C has me on new meds that just make me feel fatigued 😩 hopefully these ones won’t make me stack on weight…we’ll see.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope the new meds work for you, but don’t be afraid to say if they aren’t, small steps make the long path. It can be a bit scary not feeling stable, or knowing if your going to feel sociable or withdrawn one day to the next 🖤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can tell you’ve been through this because you sooo get it. I’m thankful for that. I don’t notice any difference yet but it’s only been 2 days on these new meds, so I’ll have to wait and see. Would be good to not feel frightened and profoundly unhappy all the time.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I had a number of years off the map as a teenager, with a couple of very stressful, quite shocking personal events which took me years to assimilate, learn from and get over (then lots of family crap in between too and growing up), and have turned to short-term medication a few times to try and assist in the process. Being unhappy and frightened is not a pleasant place, I feel for you. Anxiety and panic ruled my life for quite some time, but a saying helped, it was a book in fact, that I didn’t read, but the title helped. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I applied that to living. Because it sounds crazy to someone else who hasn’t ever felt like it, but sometimes it’s scary to actually live and really take part in life. However desparate you are to be part of it, sometimes you feel like you’re not really taking part, even though you are there x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This feels like every time I have ever been stuck in the healthcare system.
    There was one time when I was stuck in a rehab place after being in the hospital, and I had Ella one of those tubes in my throat so that I couldn’t talk and I had this horrible woman who was Indian and just so arrogant I could not believe what a terrible doctor she was And it really frustrated me. And the reason why is fair is simple I read a book a long time ago when I was in school who said that the disparity between the average woman’s vocal ability and the average guys vocal ability is a major contributing factor in why people have physical altercations. That guys perceive hostility from the woman they feel that they’re frustrated and she can run circles around him verbally and he can express himself well enough and that frustration can lead to that being physical. I’m not saying right or wrong I’m just saying that was one of the conclusion she had, and one of the cool parts about that was she had an argument well men are just basically more violent than women, and that’s why they hit their partners and she said, however, when you look at same-sex couple things of guys guys, there should be way more domestic violence in that case than the rest And she said that often when people can’t express their frustration, they get violent and then she went on to talk about cops. Such like that I am a fairly articulate guy. I think pretty fast I can talk pretty fast I am a horrible person to argue with if I have anyone medical person person of authority whatever not listening to me, I will make them feel bad, I will talk back. I won’t suffer silently having to write stuff down and then hand it to the person as a response was infuriating. At every time somebody else got involved I had to go write more stuff. I think the worst as when the Indian doctor laughed, she took all the notes that I wrote, and then threw them away outside of the waiting room, but I could see her do it, and then another person came in, and I had explain the whole situation again, and I was like man if I would’ve had those papers, I could just point to it something that I learned after a while was when I wrote something down to ask for it back that way if another person came in and wanted to hear the whole story I could just circle it and hand it to that, but I can’t imagine the frustration and irritation I would feel if I was just sitting there and just stuck like that. So I’m hoping that you’re getting the help that you need more often. Also, the food does look good. Sorry to put that out. I’m just super bummed that it’s not that great because it looks really good either way, but I noticed that I tend to make these really long things to you rather than sad just comments go to trade emails I feel like I’m cluttering up your of your comment section with incredibly long diatribes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your long comments, it means you care and are very passionate about what you’re writing about. It’s a blessing to hear from you and another blessing to learn about your life and your experiences. That Indian Doctor sounds absolutely APPALLING and I’m sad you had to suffer through that, especially as you were robbed of speech and couldn’t stand up for yourself. My heart goes out to you xx


  7. one third of your life you wait in line
    so fee waybill is right
    i don t wanna wait anymore!
    just do not think i have the strength to carry on anymore
    yet you do don t you?

    Liked by 1 person

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