"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Yesterday was a really, really hard day. I was climbing the walls in an extremely high state of distress and no matter how many times I waited to be seen at the Nurses station, asked for help, got told “yes, in a minute – go back to your room and put some mindfulness and distress tolerance practices (WTF?!?) into place as you wait”…NOBODY HELPED ME.

Not once in the FIVE HOURS I WAITED.

I was so angry and as each hour ticked by, my distress was rising like an angry, increasingly dangerous tide. I kept going back and asking repeatedly for help “PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME! Someone! Please!”, but I just kept being sent away.

Who does that with a suicidal patient? How is this OK?

I swear if I had gotten hold of a plastic bag, I wouldn’t be alive today to type this blog. In the state I was in yesterday, I was no longer human, I was a frightened animal who wanted to end the pain IMMEDIATELY. I would have put a bag over my head, tied it tight around my neck and considered it a win. I was RAGING and BEYOND REASON after SO LONG waiting with no one coming to help me. I really did just want to die and screw whatever consequences. I was in the darkest valley and couldn’t see a way out. I was more than happy to end my own life.

How could they have left me like that? For HOURS?!?

I EVEN RANG LIFELINE from within a psychiatric facility.

THEY HELPED ME.

It boggles my mind that they helped 100 times more than ACTUAL NURSES ON THE FUCKING WARD DID.

All I really wanted was to be HEARD. I wanted to be validated “Yes, that must have been awful for you” and I calmed down almost instantly after 5 hours of RAGING when a LIFELINE operator just listened to me.

The Health system charges $1000.00 PER NIGHT for each room here at this ‘fancy pants’ Private Hospital. For that much money, I could be at the Crown Towers in the Casino dining on 5 star meals for every meal, luxuriating in a hot tub, sitting on the end of my King Sized, luxury bed in a fluffy bath robe and going for facials and swimming in their huge crystal waters pools instead of sitting in an empty “common room” and putting up with the STONE COLD meals we get given 3 times a day. For that much fucking money – you can bet SOMEONE would listen to me at the Casino.

But here…we are mostly treated like chattle; Breakfast. “Behavioural activation” (a group walk around the hospital grounds every morning). Group therapy. Lunch. Group Therapy. Short Break. Group Therapy. Dinner. “Free time”. Night meds. Sleep. Repeat.

I don’t understand, guys. I really don’t. How is this supposed to help me? HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP ANYONE?!?

I’m distressed that THIS is the best GOLD CLASS PRIVATE HEALTH CARE can offer and it’s way below par in terms of health CARE.

I can feel my heart starting to race and my palms are starting to sweat so I’ll change topic now and tell you the things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful for Alun who visits faithfully every single day.

I’m thankful for Kristy, Sophie, Sam, Bridie, my bonus parents Pete and Lyn and my friend Chris who all check in on me every day – sometimes several times a day. I am so blessed by their love and thoughtfulness. I am so grateful to be surrounded by so much love, warmth and wisdom when I feel I am losing my damn mind.

Because of the other day’s trauma from taking on the burdens of so many other patients, I stay in my room now. It makes me feel so lonely.

BUT!!! whenever I line up for dinner, ALL the WARDS (there are 3 of them) gather to get our meals and I’ve met a bunch of 4-5 patients from the Nickel ward who are hilarious and really sweet. We joke about as we wait for dinner and as we’ve met over a course of nights now, they recognise me when I get to the dining hall now and cheer when they see me. It’s really nice. I feel so lonely on my own ward…it would be so nice to be able to ‘jump ship’ and hang out at Nickel instead. I wonder how I can run that by my Psychiatrist? Dr C basically runs/owns this entire facility so if anyone could arrange a ‘ship swap’, it would be him.

Not sure how I’d pull that off, though.

“Um…Doctor C…The thing is…Yesterday I wanted to die, but today I’d like to play scrabble or giant Jenga in the Nickel ward with my new mates – would it be cool to please swap me over onto their ward?”

Not sure that would go down well. Especially after I was LIVID yesterday about not being taken seriously.

Pity. I would have loved to have gone through the next few days/weeks (God, I hope it’s not weeks) with a bunch of really cool friends. We bounce off each other so well and I look forward to meal times because I get to see my pals. I can’t remember their names (oops) but it’s 3 guys and 2 girls and they’re really, really cool.

They told me to come hang with them in the ‘smokers area’ here at Hospital. I remember it from the time I was here for 3 weeks last December and had made a bunch of mates not too different from these guys. Because Bridie was over at the Edis ward, we’d both go to the ‘smokers area’ because anyone from any ward can go there and we could talk and spend time together.

I’ll go check it out tomorrow. I hope I still remember how to get there?

Tonight is the first night with my new antidepressants so I hope it goes okay. I hope these new tablets don’t make me sick. I hope they help me sleep…

I hope. I hope. I hope.