"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’m raging right now. RAGING!!!

I seem to swing from suicidal to depressed to frightened to ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FURIOUS and there isn’t a reprieve from this awful emotional roller coaster.

To calm myself down, here are the facts:

Jay is wealthy AF.

He has MORE THAN ENOUGH ROOM to comfortably accommodate my Mom.

Alun and I live in a tiny cottage barely big enough for the 2 of us.

We have hardly any money and we are struggling with week-to-week payments, especially as we both provide any and all financial requests from my Mom.

So WHY WAS IT DECIDED WITHOUT ASKING ALUN OR I being asked even once – THAT MOM WOULD LIVE WITH US?!?

What winds me up is not just the INJUSTICE OF IT ALL, the AUDACITY to decide where Mom will live without asking us (!!!) But that Jay has wrangled it so that I look like the bad daughter for not being “A-OK” with the arrangement!!!

I’m not fucking okay with this.

Having Mom here makes an already small home downright claustrophobic.

I love my Mom and I love time with her but I desperately need time alone at home to literally survive. Having Mom move in INDEFINITELY puts MY LIFE AT RISK.

Why can’t she live with Jay???

Why can’t I SPEAK UP for Alun and I and just say “No sorry, we can’t accommodate Mom at the moment”.

Why???

Instead I’m highly tempted to drown myself when Alun goes to work.

I would rather die than try to say “no” to the only parent I have left…along with a powerful, narcissistic salesman brother who runs intellectual circles around me, confuses and gaslights me and I end up agreeing to things LIFE THREATENING to me because Jay deemed it so.

Why, God?!? Why can’t I just cut them off and live a happy, safe, simple, QUIET life at home with the husband I love???

I am sooo triggered. So fucking angry!!! So betrayed and down-trodden. I can literally feel the soles of my brother’s shoes on my back as I write because I’m SUCH A FUCKING DOORMAT that Jay walking all over me feels as familiar as brushing my teeth every morning.

I literally can’t go on like this.

How long, God??? How long am I going to suffer???