June 06, 2010
That’s what I was doing at 3:30pm yesterday afternoon
I got a text that afternoon from Mike after 4 days of hearing NOTHING from him and having about 5 heart attacks because I naturally imagine the worst when someone I care for is out of contact. Mike texted “hey, i can meet you in the city at 4 if that suits”…it felt like getting a work invite…I knew just from this that things weren’t going to go well.
Mike had dissapeared for days and days. His phone rang but he just didnt want to take my calls. I left a few worried messages and sent a few worried texts and he FINALLY contacted me on Saturday to say “stop worrying Janet. Im fine. I’ll call you when im able to talk”…wtf? when he’s able to talk? about WHAT?
I didnt hear from Mike again until Sunday afternoon when he texted he could meet me in the city at 4.
And now you’re all caught up.
So there I was, 3:30pm brushing my hair and inspecting my face in the mirror and wondering what does one wear when they know they’re going to break up with someone? I at first put on jeans, a daggy shirt, a hooded grey jumper and sneakers. May as well be comfortable, right? I waited at the bus stop and then thought better of my outfit. I wanted to break up with Mike because i was so p*ssed off that he kept dissapearing on me and I knew…I just KNEW he wanted to break up with me, too. Getting ready was hard, but I decided that I should at least make the effort FOR ME to look hot. If Mike and I were splitting up, I was going to STRUT home no matter what. So I ran home from the bus stop and changed my daggy shirt and hoodie for a fitted, slinky, sparkly singlet, fitted black cropped jacket, nicer jeans and comfortable black shoes. Looking myself up and down in the mirror made me smile. I straightened my hair, re-did my makeup and looked pretty good now.
Mike was LATE as usual but looked so ruggedly handsome that it hurt to take him in. From head to toe, he’s a good looking man. Cropped hair, blue/grey eyes, legs that are long but muscly, a gorgeous fit frame and hands that you burn to have touch you – even just the once…so hard to let go of. We met at a cafe instead of our marble ball and we drank our cups of tea awkwardly and made small talk. Mike said “I know we need to talk, but not here, ok?” so I nodded and we discussed the weather for a long time. Once our drinks were gone, we walked to the art gallery and sat on a bench. Mike looked up at me, cocked his head, smiled that sexy, sexy, sexy smile of his and said “you first…or me?” I said Id go first and surprised myself with what came out next.
I had been SO ANGRY about Mike for being so cold and I was SO P*SSED OFF that he LET me worry for days on end…but when I saw him crumpled on that bench…all I wanted to do was hug him and tell him it was going to be okay. I didnt shout or make accusations, I just very gently told Mike that I was fine with him wanting to ‘take off’ for days/weeks/months if he wanted, but a short text to say “I’m fine, just gonna be uncontactable for a bit” would ease my worry. He nodded.
Then MIKE spoke.
One of the first things he said was “I cant do this anymore, Janet…I cant date you anymore…Im sorry”…then he spoke brokenly about how much he loved and would always love his ex girlfriend…how she was messed up and unhappy and he wanted nothing more than to make her smile. How much he loves this girl breaks my heart. Id love to be loved like that one day. Mike has a few ‘exes’ that he feels responsible for in so many ways. I wanted to be angry and wanted to hate him, but he just wanted so much to make so many people happy that all I could do was listen, nod and hope for the best for him. Mike talked for hours. It was like he’d stored it all up in a dam behind a wall and the wall came down, the dam broke open and it all came out. So I listened, I prayed for him silently and when he held my hand, I squeezed his in return.
I ended up counselling the very guy who was breaking my heart. The Jesus in me couldn’t help but have compassion and love for this very handsome Irish man who was hurting. I let Mike know his options and things he might want to consider doing in future and we talked for hours and hashed things out and bounced ideas around…
…and without either of us trying…the transition from lovers to friends had been made.
Mike insisted on walking me home. We stopped at “Hans restaurant” on the way and Mike used the toilet while I bought Mom some takeaway. When Mike walked back, he held his head a little higher and smiled broadly at me. I think it was instinct when he put his arm around me and hugged me close as we waited for my order to be ready…but it felt different. Warm and safe, but ‘friendly’ now instead of with passion. It hurt me to admit that to myself.
When we got to my apartment, I took a step back from Mike. He noticed and cringed. A few seconds passed and the wind swept around us both…then Mike leaned forward and kissed me. A goodbye kiss. It was so soft and sweet and warm that it both broke me and healed me. He said “Hey, are you free to go to a movie with me in the week?” I said “dude I love movies, even if i hated you, I’d still agree to it”…He chuckled, hugged me, and was off down the hill before I could blink and realise what had happened.
I don’t think I’ll ever see that gorgeous Irish face again.
We agreed to the movies but I have a very strong feeling that neither of us will go – not together – we just said we would because it made breaking up easier.
I got home and sat down and cried. It hurt so much. I don’t know why…but it did. I feel like I’ve lost someone very special. Our relationship was fleeting and unsteady and almost unreal in a way…but we had some good times and I am going to miss Mike. I am REALLY going to miss him. I don’t know how I’ll ever look at the marble ball again.