Carving out time for myself

October 16, 2019 My whole life, I feel like I’m caging myself. Watching what I say.Being careful to be soft, quiet and pleasing.Being what everyone needs me to be so much I forget who I actually am.I am so locked into being ‘liked’ that I spend my life – my whole life – playing whatever role isContinue reading “Carving out time for myself”

Bruised reed

October 16, 2019 I feel like a bruised reed in a rice patty field. Just barely hanging in there as the water rushes past me. My roots desperately gripping the watery soil and when the wind blows…well…it’s just a matter of time before I come apart completely. Just a matter of time before I loseContinue reading “Bruised reed”

Make lemons from lemonade

October 13, 2019 Have you ever actually tried making lemonade? IT. IS. A. BASTARD. To get the quantities just right and to make it something palatable and not disgusting takes work. A lot of work. So, to whoever said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” – SCREW YOU, MAN. What if you don’t evenContinue reading “Make lemons from lemonade”

Sleep

March 11, 2019 So today consisted of: 8:30am – awake. Not because I want to be, but because Alun has licked his finger and put it in my ear. “Morning, Gorg! Margaret river todaaayyyy!” he sings. *sigh* 9:00am – help Alun load cases and bags of food (mostly of beers) into the car boot.Why?Because AlunContinue reading “Sleep”

Waves

March 04, 2019 I don’t remember how old I was – maybe 13? My family and I were in America and I think we were in Florida. There was a huge pool and Jay and I were splashing about in it, having fun. Suddenly, these alarms started going off and people in the pool wereContinue reading “Waves”

“I will try to fix you”

February 14, 2019 That’s one of the most moving songs I’ve ever heard – Coldplay’s “Fix you”. Because in the song, he loves someone and just wants to help them. And that is what Alun, my Psych and my closest and dearest friends are trying to do with me, they all want to fix me. I understandContinue reading ““I will try to fix you””

Thankful

August 02, 2017 When I’m depressed, friends I love tell me “count your blessings”, “find 3 things you’re thankful for”, “what things are you happy about in your life?” And when I’m in the first few stages/levels of depression – I can do that. So today, here’s what I’m thankful for: A home to comeContinue reading “Thankful”

One step…then another

July 12, 2017 I live my life on the edge of a knife. I live it second to second now – hanging onto life with my very fingernails, wondering if right now is going to be when the grief of being me kills me – or will I live another second? I put one foot…in front ofContinue reading “One step…then another”

The middle of the road

July 07, 2017 So. Since Tuesday, I’ve been home. When Alun and I left Dr D’s on Tuesday morning, she signed me a Medical Certificate for the next 2 weeks. I’m stressing about every second I’m not at work. Because they’re not going to ‘wait’ for me to get better. They’re not going to holdContinue reading “The middle of the road”

My family

July 11, 2017 Since my last phone call with my Mom where she suggested “smelling flowers” to entirely cure my depression and struggle with suicide (aargghhhhhh!!!) I’ve changed her contact details from “Mom” to “Do not answer this call until you feel better” on my phone. I’ve done the same for my Dad. “Do notContinue reading “My family”