Making hard choices

February 07, 2020 I’m the one responsible for my life and 98% of me wants it just to end. I just want to stop. Please. I think the last few months have really battered me. What’s killing me now is pure exhaustion. I haven’t stopped. I’ve moved from job to job to job – takingContinue reading “Making hard choices”

Make lemons from lemonade

October 13, 2019 Have you ever actually tried making lemonade? IT. IS. A. BASTARD. To get the quantities just right and to make it something palatable and not disgusting takes work. A lot of work. So, to whoever said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” – SCREW YOU, MAN. What if you don’t evenContinue reading “Make lemons from lemonade”

Broken

October 10, 2019 Yesterday, I sat in a window alcove on one of the busiest streets in the city and cried. I didn’t just cry, by the way – I wailed. I howled. Tears didn’t fall daintily down my cheeks – they poured. I didn’t care. This is me at my lowest point. I have justContinue reading “Broken”

“I will try to fix you”

February 14, 2019 That’s one of the most moving songs I’ve ever heard – Coldplay’s “Fix you”. Because in the song, he loves someone and just wants to help them. And that is what Alun, my Psych and my closest and dearest friends are trying to do with me, they all want to fix me. I understandContinue reading ““I will try to fix you””

One step…then another

July 12, 2017 I live my life on the edge of a knife. I live it second to second now – hanging onto life with my very fingernails, wondering if right now is going to be when the grief of being me kills me – or will I live another second? I put one foot…in front ofContinue reading “One step…then another”

The middle of the road

July 07, 2017 So. Since Tuesday, I’ve been home. When Alun and I left Dr D’s on Tuesday morning, she signed me a Medical Certificate for the next 2 weeks. I’m stressing about every second I’m not at work. Because they’re not going to ‘wait’ for me to get better. They’re not going to holdContinue reading “The middle of the road”

My family

July 11, 2017 Since my last phone call with my Mom where she suggested “smelling flowers” to entirely cure my depression and struggle with suicide (aargghhhhhh!!!) I’ve changed her contact details from “Mom” to “Do not answer this call until you feel better” on my phone. I’ve done the same for my Dad. “Do notContinue reading “My family”

Why I lie

April 04, 2017 I lie all the time. I feel like I have to. I sit on reception and I greet up to 100 people every single day. The same greeting for the same staff members: “Morning Janet”“Morning Deb/Cheryl/Steve/Andrew/Gary etc…”“How are you? they ask“I’m fine” I lie. *big smile* “And how are you?” …often IContinue reading “Why I lie”

One step at a time

April 02, 2017 I love action movies. I love the thought of heroes and doing good for people who need help. That’s probably why I watch a lot of movies. Some of my favourite movies – are the ones with the “Avengers” in them. Of course, “Tony Stark” (played by the gorgeous Robert Downey Jr)Continue reading “One step at a time”

Knock knock

January 30, 2017 Icame home from work today and felt exhausted. Every hour at work felt like it took 3 hours to pass. I had to plaster on a brave face and greet everyone with a bright smile. I went to the bathroom 3 times during my shift at work; shutting the cubicle door behindContinue reading “Knock knock”