"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Well.

Since I wrote to you yesterday, I’ve been on high alert. Holding my breath and bracing for the pain; I’ve clicked onto my Facebook messages and expected Matt’s profile to be gone – replaced with “add as friend?” because hes unfriended me or for Matt’s picture and name to be replaced with that God-awful grey image of a person’s outline and his name replaced by “Facebook user” because he’s blocked me.

For about 9-10 hours, checking and re-checking drove me nuts. The emotional roller-coaster of dreading the hammer fall, then the rush of relief at seeing all is as it was has made my anxiety sky-rocket 😬

My phone pinged an hour ago with this bollocks:

FFS.

I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this.

Send another thumbs up?

Scream into a pillow?

I would find it a lot easier to get over my obsession if he stopped stringing me along.

My heart: Aww. Bless him. He’s worried he hurt you and doesn’t want to lose you.

My brain: He’s fucking about with my feelings. This is not ok. I need to block him.

Heart: What? No way. I want to keep him.

Brain: Yep. I’m completely useless. I deserve every bad thing that’s going to happen from these very bad decisions.

Here’s where we’re at right now:

I literally can’t.