"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Hey hey, just me here.

Ugh life has been HECTIC in the last few months. I’ve been concentrating on working hard, supporting Mom and Alun and writing paid articles for Medium so I haven’t blogged on WordPress as much as I would have liked to. Sorry!

I like WordPress because I don’t have to be impressive here. I don’t have to create “listicles” (I hate that word) or “how to” guides. I don’t have to come up with the secret to making thousands of dollars a day. I can just be myself.

*sigh of relief*

I’m working part-time at a really great job as Administrator for the Environment Team here at the Council House. The team are full of life and although we can’t see each other over the covid desk partitions, everyone calls out loudly to each other throughout the day which is really cute and gives the office a fun atmosphere. My new Boss “Bruce” is a loose cannon and I love that about him. He includes me in all the jokes with the office and the team have held lunch twice for me at the pub around the corner, (once for my birthday and once this week as I’m leaving) so I feel special. I feel seen, heard and appreciated in this job. I don’t normally get this in a job role, so it means the world to me.

Alas, this is coming to an end TODAY.

Next week, I go back to the full-time Front Desk Role I originally was posted for by my Temp Agency. In many ways it’s great because I’ll be working more, earning more and in for a 12-month contract rather than just the 3 months I’ll be here. I think after 3 months, “Bruce” was hoping to extend me and just keep extending me as the year went by – but in this role – nothing is guaranteed. Downstairs at the Front Desk is guaranteed to last at least 12 months. It’s long 9-hour days, but I work with a really lovely team of ladies, and the best part is – CUPCAKE KARA won’t be there when I go back! YAAAAAAASSS!!!

It’s actually because of her that I got the 12-month gig. That used to be her contract, but she got a permanent role with the Department of Communities (God alone knows how) which is also on the ground floor – so she won’t be too far away but she’ll be on a new team. HOORAY HOORAY! Someone ELSE can put up with her. I’m so excited to go back and know I don’t have to do all the work while also listening to cupcake’s many woes.

I’m starting to suspect that old mate cupcake has mental health issues, you know. In the last few weeks that I was in that role, Kara was talking about “hearing whispers”, “people are watching me” and actually yelled out – randomly one day – “You can stop fucking recording me! You’ll never get anything out of me!” which was really, really weird. I felt a bit frightened by it to be honest.

I walked by yesterday and Kara looked so forlorn that I messaged her on TEAMS and asked if she was okay. I know, I shouldn’t have done it, but I was happy, I was having a good day and I can’t help but get involved and want to help if someone I know looks like they’re struggling.

Kara messaged back “I think the Police are following me. I see them everywhere. They’re looking into my blood tests and I don’t like that“.

So weird!

I didn’t know what to say about that, so I just wished her a good day and told her to not let the buggers get her down. She messaged back “thanks” and praise God, that’s all she messaged.

Very strange behaviour, though.

In other news, Mom’s hand is healing nicely and she is happy and well over at Jay and Kate’s house, I thank God for that.

Alun is up and down with his depression and anxiety. He’s on another 4 week’s holiday from work so I’m hoping it gives him time to rest, recover and get back to his normal, happy self.

It was our 9-year wedding anniversary yesterday (Go us!) so as a gift to Alun, I rented out a beach shack by the pristine beaches of Eagle bay (3 hours away) and booked an all-day wine, beer, gin and cider tour for the Saturday we’ll be gone. I figured if the weather was awful (we’re in Autumn here in Perth so every day is a guessing game. Yesterday it was dark, cold and rained ALL DAY but today is bright, sunny, crisp and really lovely – go figure) we’d be ‘on tour’ on a bus and going to indoor wineries and cellars so we’d have fun but be out of the rain for the day. I don’t drink, so Alun gets to sample my beers/cider/wine – and usually ends up pretty smashed by the end of the tour, bless him. Praise God, Alun is a happy, sweet drunk so he’ll probably just sing all night and want to hug me close. I don’t mind that. I’m just hoping Al can blow of steam this weekend and have some fun. We’ll see.

I wanted to write about my marriage breakup with “Joe” and all the intricacies of it but now it’s turned into a strange novel of sorts and I think I’m losing my audience in my self indulgence. I don’t know why I can’t just write the simple facts:

Joe and I got married.

We were deeply unhappy in our marriage – focused on totally different things and we wanted different futures.

I cheated on Joe – but it wasn’t a secret because before I did anything, I told Joe about it, hoping he’d stop me and help me work on fixing our marriage. He didn’t.

So I lost my virginity to Matt – who I was obsessed with for over 2 decades – and absolutely loved it. It literally changed me from the inside out.

I left Joe for Matt.

Matt wasn’t in love with me and basically broke up with me.

I tried to kill myself.

God spoke to me.

God pulled me up out of the huge hole I’d dug myself into and saved my life.

The end.

But could I write this in ONE concise Medium article? NOPE.

So now I’m doubting my writing abilities. This is magnified by reading the INCREDIBLE writing of other Medium writers who are making way more money than me and I can see why! They’re interesting! Their articles/personal essays are real, raw, honest, sweet, hilarious (sometimes I’m crying laughing at my desk as I read the articles on my lunch break) and so profoundly moving (so many make me cry). I think to myself “my writing doesn’t compare”.

I write as if I’ve been up all night drinking, honestly. My sentences don’t make sense, I repeat myself a lot and when I’m editing, I just end up confused and frustrated.

WHY IS WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE SO HARD?

*sigh*

I might delete my 6 (yes, SIX) long chapters so far on Medium. I still have about 4 to go and God hasn’t been mentioned yet even though the title is “God spoke to me”.

I’m losing my damn mind.