Literally losing my mind.

I don’t know if it’s stress, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideas/daydreams – or all combined – or none of it and I’m just getting dementia earlier on in my life – but I’m losing my mind, guys. I’m losing it.

I’ve caught the wrong bus and ended up in Aussie wilderness (we call it “whoop whoop”) about 7 times in the last 4 months. Bus drivers have all been nice – praise God. I dread to think what would have become of me if they weren’t – we’ve been on a bus in the middle of nowhere together and he has the keys so could easily lock me in…and do God knows what to me. I thank God that nothing has happened apart from a bemused driver asking “Ma’am? Are you lost?” and I tearfully answer “yes” and they drive me to the nearest train or bus station and I gratefully get off.

7 times is 7 too many to feel so bloody lost. I hate this.

I look at the bus when it pulls up to the bus stop, you know. I see the right number “999” or “935” – both go to main train stations. I then (usually) get off the bus, onto the train. I catch the train to Meltham, get off that station, cross the road and over the hill to home base.

So why have I ended up in a field from the “37” or the “250” bus several times now? I don’t understand it. I saw the right number on the front of the bus. Satisfied, I got on.

Either there’s a weird bus conspiracy going on where they change their numbers and journeys to confuse me – or I’m losing my mind. I bet you it’s the latter.

I’m also getting notifications on email that people have responded to my comments on YouTube so I click on them – and there it is – a comment from me that I have absolutely NO IDEA about. But I recognise myself in the writing, the phrases used, the little kisses at the end of a message I always leave to ease any offence I might have accidentally caused – it’s my comment – and someone responding to it…but I don’t remember writing that comment.

I’m not getting a lot of sleep, then I’m working 9 hours. Then I’m pushing myself to see friends or at least talk them on the phone…for however long they need and in Aurelie’s case, it could be hours, bless her heart.

But then I don’t remember any conversations with my friends.

Or any plans for brunch/meeting up so I get these calls from irate friends “Where are you?” when I’m at home in my pjs, selecting a Netflix show unaware that I should have been out.

I’m really scared. I don’t like this.

I have an over-the-phone pysch appointment tomorrow at 1pm so I’ll run this by my psych “Ellie”. I hope she’ll come up with something to help.

I love that her name is “Ellie” by the way 🙂 one sunbeam in my dark storm because she’s named after one of my favourite bloggers.

Talk to you all soon…I hope?

4 responses to “Literally losing my mind.”

  1. Oh, Janet, my dear friend, I’m so sorry you’re still going through a horrible time. Please be assured that you’re not losing your mind. If you were, you wouldn’t have been able to write this post explaining exactly what was troubling you. I know it must be how it feels now, though, as I’ve felt that in the past, too. You’re not alone in getting on the wrong bus occasionally. (I started writing about my experience of doing that on a train, but it came out too long, and I thought, this is about you and not me, so I deleted that part). Just to say, I’ve done this, too, and more than once. I’m glad you’ve got friendly bus drivers where you live, though.

    I’m so glad you have friends to talk to on the phone, especially your friend Aurelie, who sounds like a darling. I’m not surprised you forget things. I think when you’re so sleep-deprived, it’s difficult to function properly the following day, and it must be doubly hard for you having to work, too. Stress has all sorts of effects on our bodies and minds and will even tell you you’re losing the plot when you’re actually not. You’re just trying to deal with too much at one time.

    Have you had your session with your psych, Ellie, yet (I know you’re on a totally different timescale over there)? I hope (if you have) that she was able to give you the support you so need right now. Thank you for mentioning that I’m one of your favourite bloggers. I care about you, although many people here care deeply about you, too.

    I haven’t read your Medium article here yet, but I will do. Thanks for sharing it on WP, as I can only read it on Medium if I pay to be a member. Sending you very much love, my friend, and many healing, comforting hugs to soothe you in your pain and distress. Xxxx 💓💐💓💐💓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darling Ellie, you are such a bright ray of sunshine in my bleak world right now. Thank you for taking the time to read my long rants and to offer comfort when you are going through so much on your own. You truly have a heart of gold.

      I spoke to the other “Ellie” in my life for my psych appointment today and wouldn’t you know it – she said a lot of things you did. She said I’m not losing the plot, I’m showing signs of distress and burn out and that once I get some rest, some proper nights of sleep instead of being awake for hours anxious – I’ll start feeling better and thinking clearly.

      You would make a wonderful psychologist, I think. You’re already an amazing poet, writer and friend xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Janet my friend, I hope that your appointment went well and you were able to discuss some of your concerns. Our bodies have an amazing ability to protect themselves and shut down what they do not need at the time. Sleep, or lack of is so depleting to your body and our minds. I am all too aware of the effects that the lack of sleep combined with a bout of depression, can have on us. Apparently, your tired brain decided to shut down your “navigation” services while you were tired and used it for something else.

    I am not making light by any means as you know, but as I write this note to you and look for a “bright” spot. As a writer, these two episodes of your “lost” adventures would make a cool story for you to expand on.
    Please take care, You have friends all over the world that send hugs and support always. Hugs to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tommy you little sunbeam, thank you for popping up over our fence for a chat. I love these. Praise God, I was able to talk to my psych about my “brain fog” and memory loss. She thinks it’s a sign of ‘burnout’ and said I need a week off to rest and catch up on sleep.

      As you’ve rightly said – lack of sleep can really mess us about – especially with trying to think straight.

      Sending you lots of love and warm Aussie hugs. And to Dawn, bless her. You two are so cute and I hope Alun and I end up just like you both – so happy together xx


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