“Is there a bar up there?”

I think of my Dad up in heaven, clinking glasses with his mates and “having a good yarn” (Aussie for a long talk) with everyone around him.

That, I’m ok with.

I am not okay with releasing Dad’s ashes this June, though.

Fuck THAT.

I’m terrified that if I let Dad go…all my memories of him will go, too.

His laugh.

The way he’d wiggle his head when he was pleased with something.

The way he’d gesticulate with his hands when he spoke.

I don’t want to see burnt bits of my Dad in splotches around the river.

It would honestly feel less painful to literally cut my ribs open and pull my heart out, yanking it away from the rest of my flesh.

If Dad was here, he’d say “Don’t be so bloody stupid, Janet”.

And it’s bitter-sweet because I miss him, but I know he’d disapprove of me wanting to hold tight to what’s left.

A copper urn with ashes in it.

Those ashes used to be Dad’s big shoulders…I thought my Dad was as big as a mountain.

Those ashes used to carry a tune in whistling bits of songs as Dad wandered around.

Those ashes held my hand at every Doctors appointment, rubbed my shoulders when I was anxious and unsure or would be familiar feet under a bar table, tapping the beat to a song the band was playing.

I don’t understand how my Mom and brother are ok with letting Dad disappear into the waves.

I’m so fucking angry and distressed about the thought of it.

How is this ok???

How, God???

The pain of losing my Dad is so intense, guys. It feels like my bones are being ground up. It hurts so fucking much!!!

Mom has had enough of waiting on me and said they are releasing Dad’s ashes on the anniversary of his death – the 4th June whether I am ok with it or not.









I literally cannot bear the pain of saying goodbye.

How does anyone else cope with losing a parent? Because for me, it’s the most painful experience of my life and NEVER gets any easier.

The pain never goes.

But the memories do.

I’ve forgotten so much already.

13 responses to ““Is there a bar up there?””

  1. I lost my Mom to COVID in late 2020 and my Dad 4 months later. I have a picture of them I say good morning to every day. I feel like they are with me in spirit. You can’t remember everything, but you wont forget everything either and when you need them, the right memories will come back.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Kev…my heart is breaking for you and that you’ve lost both parents! I can’t even imagine how extremely painful that is for you. I love that you still talk to them every day, that’s really beautiful xx


  2. So Sorry to hear About Your Dad!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reaching out in kindness, Cslave. I really appreciate that xx


  3. I truly feel for you Janet. Its not easy. At our family home, his urn, which is in the shape of a pretty stainsteel soul bird sits on the livingroom coffeetable, the livingroom where he passed with all of us saying goodbye. We all have the habit of saying “love you Dad” when we come and go. We have a few smaller urns and eventually we will drop one in the ocean since he loved the ocean. And like Kev, I have a photo of my Dad that I say goodmorning/goodnight every day. Your father will ALWAYS be with you.💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Janet, I feel for you so much with this. What an awful thing for you to have to face, let alone come to terms with. I lost my father in 2012, but we weren’t close, and all the arrangements for his funeral and burial of his ashes were taken care of by his very wealthy girlfriend despite still being married (albeit very unhappily, and my Mum suffered at his hands). I don’t even know where his ashes are!

    I lost Mum in December 2016, and that was totally different. I was brokenhearted to lose her, as we were extremely close. As my sisters and I live in places all over the world, we decided we didn’t want to split up Mum’s ashes, so we had her urn laid in the same grave as my grandmother and great aunt. It’s in London, which means I can never get there, which I find sad and upsetting at times.

    I can’t imagine what I would do in your situation. If that’s what was going to happen to my Mum’s ashes, I would have also been so distressed as you are. I can totally understand where you are coming from. It almost feels disrespectful to scatter a parent’s ashes in a way (my thoughts only – I can’t speak for anyone else.) Do you have photos of your Dad around you? I have pictures of Mum (not of Dad, but he was a bully to me anyway), but still, after six years, I cannot ‘look Mum in the eyes’ if you know what I mean. I’m unable to talk to her like some of your other readers have suggested. I’m trying to get some grief counselling regarding this. Have you thought about having any grief counselling at all? I know it won’t change what’s likely to happen that you fear so much, but if your mom and brother are insistent and not going to take your wishes seriously, perhaps, counselling might help you to come to terms with such a traumatic and painful loss.

    I don’t think you ever ‘get over’ losing a parent, especially if you were close to them, but you do eventually come to terms with your loss. I feel for you so much, my friend. It feels like your needs aren’t being considered, and I’m so sorry for that. Thinking of you with love and sending soothing and comforting hugs. Xxx 💔💞💓

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Darling Ellie, thank you so much for seeing me and validating me by saying you would have felt distressed if you were in my shoes, too. It means the world to me that someone understands. I have lots of photos of Dad around our home. Alun’s Aunty is an Artist and drew a pencil sketch of my Dad which blew me away, it was so beautiful and captured his cheeky spirit. We had that picture framed and hung it in the kitchen were I spend most of my time (haha always near food) and I talk to Dad’s picture all the time…but it’s always been with the ‘safety’ in my heart of knowing Mom has his ashes…knowing Dad is ‘still around’. I haven’t been able to bring myself to view his urn, I can’t bear it. I’m going to have to when Mom releases his ashes and I’m really anxious about it.

      I think you’re right and I need to seek out specific grief counselling about this. I’m hurting so much over it and Mom’s decision to go ahead with releasing Dad’s ashes whether I’m ready or not this June has really shaken me up. I’m so upset over it.

      You are right again in that we never ‘get over’ losing a parent. A few of the people I know have asked “hasn’t it been enough time that you’ve grieved over your Dad?” and I’ve wanted to punch them in the face. How dare they? I don’t think there is ever “enough time” to grieve – I think this will be a tear in my heart for the rest of time.

      I’m so sorry you lost your Mom and I’m so grateful for your love and kindness in your responses to me when I’m suffering. I’m so blessed by you, Ellie. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sitting here in tears!
    I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my oldest daughter in a car accident she was in with her girlfriend on Thanksgiving 2021. I have her ashes and I’ve thought about releasing them as well, and I just can’t.
    I lost my dad as well in Jan. of this year.
    I know your pain, as well as many others do.

    You let go when you WANT to, and if you don’t feel comfortable – keep them! You don’t HAVE to release the ashes. Or, let some fly high and keep the rest. It’s on YOUR terms. You do what you feel is right in your heart.

    Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey you need to stop thinking about that!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I try, but it’s not easy. Some days are better than others, but as time goes by, the pain comes in waves as they say.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re trying your best and that’s the important thing. Sending you lots of love xx


    2. Thank you so much for this thoughtful, caring response. It’s touched my heart and given me a lot of peace regarding my Dad’s ashes. I can’t thank you enough.

      I’m so very sorry for your losses…I can’t imagine losing TWO people I love…I’m so sorry. I’m sending you lots of love and warm hugs from Perth Australia and I’m here any time you need a friend to listen to you xx


      1. Sorry for your Loss from Corinth Ms USA


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: