I’m struggling, guys. I’m frantic, frightened, bone-weary, shaking, sweating and losing my damn mind.
I did want to just say a few things, though.
Alun has grown up in a culture of drinking. He’s severely depressed and has lost 4 friends in about as many months as well as the death of his beloved Rugby Coach which absolutely tore him up. Alun has literally had to put a friend in a body bag a few weeks ago, and wept copiously as he zipped that bag up. I can’t imagine the depth of that pain and the trauma, I really can’t. All Alun knows – from his Welsh heritage – is to solve everything with alcohol…so that’s his go-to, particularly when he’s distressed – which is a lot lately.
I overeat when I’m stressed. I gravitate towards salty, fried, sugary, fatty foods with absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever – so I can’t judge Alun in his ‘vices’.
I care deeply about what you think, so I want you to know that Alun is the best person I know. 90% of our marriage is love, fun, courage, strength and so much laughter. It’s just rough at the moment because both Alun and I are suicidal at the same time.
With Al suffering a lot lately, he gets drunk more often and is surly and sarcastic – saying hurtful things he forgets about in the next morning. That is unfair and something we’ll have to deal with when we’re no longer bailing water out of our boat and trying not to sink.
You probably caught on to how much I love to use metaphors, so for now – I’ll unclip my life vest from Alun’s (it’s getting tangled and we’re both getting really angry about constantly banging into each other in our panic) and focus on the jobs I can do on our sinking ship. I can bail water. I can try to patch sails up. I can do a lot of things, but I need to focus on them in my own time and the way best for me while I leave Alun to do whatever he’s doing.
Alun knows I support him (of course, he’s had a million letters from me in the last few weeks – all telling him he’s loved, he’s not alone, he’s supported, celebrated, cherished and that he can talk to me at ANY time about ANYTHING he needs to) so Alun knows where to find me if he needs me. Until then, I’ll leave him be.
Marla gave me a beautiful analogy of Alun and I in a Forest during this crisis. At the moment, Al’s sitting on a big rock “having a sook” (An Australian term for being grumpy) and I am okay to leave him there. Al’s not in any danger and I’m okay to keep moving forward on my own – hiking along the trail to the waterfall where we can meet up in a few hours and have a rest and a re-set. I love that picture, you guys. SO GOOD.
I’m hurting, hungry, tired, distressed and quite frankly, pissed off with my stupid ‘backpack’ (all my worries and fears) but I know I need to keep pushing forward, so I’m going to do that.
Each step is really fucking painful, but I’m going to take it one step at a time (thank you Kristy for your wonderful ‘to do’ list this morning of breathing, taking things one at a time and taking time to rest when I can) and I’ll keep moving towards that waterfall.
Everyone who’s reached out in kindness, love and care – you guys are the stunning, bright, happy wildflowers on my path. You make me smile, you make my world beautiful, and you give me courage to move on.
I would love to respond to each of you personally, but I am so empty that this blog entry is all I’ve got for now. Please know that you each represent a gorgeous flower on my path and I’m so thankful for the beauty you bring to my ‘hike’ when I’m tired, pissed off and want to just give up.
Sending you all so much love xxxx
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