…but you can’t make it drink.
My horse is my husband and no matter how much I beg and plead for him to GET HELP AND SUPPORT as he’s going through his crisis, he flat out refuses. I wrote down the EAP (free counselling) session line for Alun’s work, a free counselling line for Trauma (a group called “blue knot”) and gave Alun the lifeline number I rang as well as “beyond blue” who specialise in depression. Alun wouldn’t hear of it and said he’s not calling anyone for help, he can apparently handle this himself. I told Alun he’s been “handling it himself” for the year and asked how that was working out for him. Alun got annoyed, got drunk, had a go at me, tore me to pieces and went to bed.
*shaking my head sadly*
Back to wearing my own mask because no matter how much I argue with Alun about it, he doesn’t want to wear his.
Because of all of you who have commented and reached out on my blog when I was panicking (thank you all sooo much, you guys mean the world to me) and my friend Kristy who messaged even though she’s on holiday to stand beside me and remind me I’m not alone in this…I called our ‘crisis line’ here in Australia – called “Lifeline” and spoke to a counsellor who said pretty much what Marla said in her wise comment on my previous post – to seek help and to get Alun to seek help and to do it separately.
I booked an over-the-phone psychology session for myself – for later this morning and spoke to my boss about it. She was really supportive and said to take the call in one of our meeting rooms, so I have privacy. I really appreciate that…especially knowing I got bullied and pushed out of the office in my last role once they found out I had a mental illness. It was nice to have a boss who wanted to help out. Unusual, but really nice.
Mom is hitting me up for money AGAIN when I was just starting to save. Because I’ve now sent her every penny I have, I can’t afford to see my regular psych and have to start at square 1 with the “telehealth” psych who’ll call me at 10:30am. I hate this. I hate having to start all over when I have someone who knows my history. I get 3 free appointments with “Life care” through my work’s EAP and I think by the time I’ve explained where my depression is coming from (grieving my Dad, being constantly thrown under the bus at work, constantly fired, being really ill for a lot of the last 6 months, worried about Alun and being used as an ATM by my own Mom) our sessions will be up and we’ll be just at the point where we could have made a difference.
So, Alun doesn’t want me to have any time off and because Mom took all my money, I’M IN WORK WHEN I WANTED TO BE BEACH-SIDE today.
I’m so tired, guys. I was up all night shaking from being hurt by Alun. He was drunk and won’t remember a thing, but I carry that pain because I’m the one he had a go at. It made Alun feel a lot better and he slept really well through the night but the things he said tore me to shreds and kept me awake at night.
I can’t see myself getting through these NEXT 9 hours.
I really can’t.
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