"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

My family used to fly a lot when I was younger. I think we went on at least 1 overseas holiday a year. Mom and Dad loved them. I’m a homebody and would much prefer to be at home than on holiday but when you’re younger, you have to go with your parents whether you like it or not.

Anyway.

Whenever we boarded a plane, they’d do the ‘safety demonstration’ where they point up and down the aisles and blow delicately on whistles attached to life jackets. I was always dubious of being able to be that delicate and ladylike during the middle of a crisis with a plane going down, but whatever.

What I’ve always found strange was their warning that if the oxygen masks came down, we were to ‘affix the mask firmly to your face before helping others’. I thought that was downright selfish and would balk at that part whenever it was mentioned.

Pfft. Stupid.

Luckily for me, I’ve aged and have since figured out that if you DON’T put your own oxygen mask on FIRST, you RUN OUT OF AIR and you pass out…and probably die.

Right now – marriage wise – Alun and I are in a plane with its wings on fire, the engines blown and we’re crashing. We’re plummeting to the ground. We’re both terrified.

I desperately want to look after Alun but if I don’t put my mask on, then I’ll be no good to either of us.

In this metaphor, Alun is struggling with me and my mask. He’s REFUSING to put his own on and is stopping me putting mine over my face. What this looks like in real life is that Alun is having 3 weeks off next week with his parents. They’re going on holiday around WA. I’ll be working 45 hours a week every week that Al’s away on holiday. I asked Alun if it would be okay to have 3 DAYS off this week from work as I’m really, really struggling and ALUN SAID NO.

It’s fine for him to rest and recover, but Alun said I have to keep going into work.

This has broken my heart and the more I think about it, MAKES ME FURIOUS. It’s making me mad because it isn’t fair. How is Alun allowed 3 WEEKS off and I can’t have 3 days??? Why is he placing himself front and center when I’m suffering, too?

So I have to fight for air, right now.

I have to ignore Alun and I have to put my own mask on, give it time to clear my head and then I can assess and figure out how to help Alun.

I’m struggling with how to help when I’m really angry with him, but that’s something I’ll deal with later.

My issue has to be my own mask.

What this looks like in real life is taking tomorrow off.

I’m going to the beach with a book. I’m going to rest. I’m going to journal. I’ll probably blog. I’M NOT GOING TO ASK ALUN’S PERMISSION TO HEAL, I’M JUST GOING TO DO IT.

I know what works best for me and that’s rest. Complete rest. I need a day away from work, away from the house, away from responsibilities and away from Alun, too.

Wish me luck.