"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Alun and I have had a pretty good marriage these last 8 years (12 altogether including dating and engagement) because we’ve been blessed enough to take turns having meltdowns. Praise God, the things that stress me out are “too easy” for Alun and the things that stress him out are things I think are “totes fine, Gorg – I’ve got this”.

I think of it in terms of us on a sailboat. We take turns driving and doing the work so the other one can go below deck, go to bed and rest until they feel better. Thankfully during our entire relationship, we are both exhausted at different times. When I can’t deal, Alun will say “off you go – get some rest, Gorg” and I’ll pop “downstairs” and get gratefully into bed. When I see Alun’s hands shaking and he starts stuttering a little when he speaks, I tell him “I’ve got this, Gorg – pop below deck and I’ll steer and man the boat.”

All good.

Right now, though – we are both suicidal. We’ve quietly gone by depression, then severe depression and are right in the middle of “live or die?” – AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME.

I originally typed “together” instead of “at the same time” but that’s the thing with mental illness – there is no room for togetherness when you’re suicidal. It’s an isolating thing and once you’re deep in it, your entire world closes down to just a few centimeters ahead of your eyes – you can’t see anything else.

I am drowning.

Alun is drowning.

We are both in a heavy, strong rip in the ocean so neither of us can help the other one.

We’ve been here before and we nearly got divorced over it.

I don’t know how we’ll survive this 2nd wave of it.

Yesterday I rubbed Alun’s back and held him close when he cried all day. He’s in such a bad state, it breaks my heart. When Alun cries, he cries like a little kid – where it’s just so pure and so innocent that it breaks my heart into a million pieces when I see his tears. Alun cried making toast, cried during a show about gardening (just a usual show – nothing sad was happening), cried when the slightest slow song came onto the radio and cried most of the night – mostly from being exhausted, poor thing.

He’s really suffering and hurting and I don’t have anything to give him. I couldn’t offer my usual ‘pep talk’. I couldn’t give any encouragement. All I could do – and it cost me everything I had – was hold his hand or rub his back and just listen to his crying.

It’s absolutely awful to see the one you love suffering so badly.

I would like God to give me Alun’s pain, to be honest. I don’t mind carrying the sadness and exhaustion for the both of us as long as Alun will be okay. I don’t know how to take his burden from him but I’m more than willing to carry it.

Metaphorically, the mast has been snapped into pieces, the sales are torn, the waves are bigger and our ‘boat’ is filling up with water. Having tried to ‘fight’ this for so long, Alun and I are BOTH exhausted. One of us can’t man the boat because it’s too much…so we’re both clinging onto the sides and hoping not to capsize.

I am so fucking lost, guys. I don’t know what to do. I’m in work, gulping tears back and wondering how I can make it through the next 9 hours in the office.

Please pray for us. This is my call for help right here.