In a crisis

Alun and I have had a pretty good marriage these last 8 years (12 altogether including dating and engagement) because we’ve been blessed enough to take turns having meltdowns. Praise God, the things that stress me out are “too easy” for Alun and the things that stress him out are things I think are “totes fine, Gorg – I’ve got this”.

I think of it in terms of us on a sailboat. We take turns driving and doing the work so the other one can go below deck, go to bed and rest until they feel better. Thankfully during our entire relationship, we are both exhausted at different times. When I can’t deal, Alun will say “off you go – get some rest, Gorg” and I’ll pop “downstairs” and get gratefully into bed. When I see Alun’s hands shaking and he starts stuttering a little when he speaks, I tell him “I’ve got this, Gorg – pop below deck and I’ll steer and man the boat.”

All good.

Right now, though – we are both suicidal. We’ve quietly gone by depression, then severe depression and are right in the middle of “live or die?” – AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME.

I originally typed “together” instead of “at the same time” but that’s the thing with mental illness – there is no room for togetherness when you’re suicidal. It’s an isolating thing and once you’re deep in it, your entire world closes down to just a few centimeters ahead of your eyes – you can’t see anything else.

I am drowning.

Alun is drowning.

We are both in a heavy, strong rip in the ocean so neither of us can help the other one.

We’ve been here before and we nearly got divorced over it.

I don’t know how we’ll survive this 2nd wave of it.

Yesterday I rubbed Alun’s back and held him close when he cried all day. He’s in such a bad state, it breaks my heart. When Alun cries, he cries like a little kid – where it’s just so pure and so innocent that it breaks my heart into a million pieces when I see his tears. Alun cried making toast, cried during a show about gardening (just a usual show – nothing sad was happening), cried when the slightest slow song came onto the radio and cried most of the night – mostly from being exhausted, poor thing.

He’s really suffering and hurting and I don’t have anything to give him. I couldn’t offer my usual ‘pep talk’. I couldn’t give any encouragement. All I could do – and it cost me everything I had – was hold his hand or rub his back and just listen to his crying.

It’s absolutely awful to see the one you love suffering so badly.

I would like God to give me Alun’s pain, to be honest. I don’t mind carrying the sadness and exhaustion for the both of us as long as Alun will be okay. I don’t know how to take his burden from him but I’m more than willing to carry it.

Metaphorically, the mast has been snapped into pieces, the sales are torn, the waves are bigger and our ‘boat’ is filling up with water. Having tried to ‘fight’ this for so long, Alun and I are BOTH exhausted. One of us can’t man the boat because it’s too much…so we’re both clinging onto the sides and hoping not to capsize.

I am so fucking lost, guys. I don’t know what to do. I’m in work, gulping tears back and wondering how I can make it through the next 9 hours in the office.

Please pray for us. This is my call for help right here.

19 responses to “In a crisis”

  1. Either of you are ok enough to help the other through this. Both of you need to get help. I don’t know where in the world you are, but if it’s the US, call 9-8-8, it’s an abbreviation for the hotline. As far as supporting each other, just holding his hand and telling him you love him is all you can do; I hope he can do it for you as well. You can’t take it from him. Wishing you could is honestly just a way to exhaust yourself and put you further into crisis. You must tread wisely, both of you. Support is not taking it away, or wishing you could. Sometimes, support is just knowing that the sobbing person next to you, holding your hand, is getting the same comfort from you as you sob holding theirs. I wish you both the best, and *please* take care of yourselves

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Crying, crying, crying. Thank you so much, Marla. We are in Western Australia. I will give our version of a helpline for mental illness (Lifeline) a call on my lunch and ask for some help. I’m not sure how to care for both Alun and I when I’m drowning too. Thank you for reaching out and being so kind, it means so much.


      1. Both of you call the crisis center, separately. Ask for help. That’s all you can do for both of you. The only person you can truly take care of right now is you, he has to be able to help himself. You can both support and nurture each other, but if you try to take more on, it will increase your stress and anxiety. You will cause yourself to spiral more. You cannot do that to either of you. The best you can do for both of you is ask him to call the hotline, and you call for you. You both must be able to be a support, but not the sole support of each other, or you’ll both drown.

        I truly wish the best for you both. You just have to navigate this differently than you usually do because this is different. It’s easy to step in and try to fix it when you’re ok… DO NOT try to do it now. You don’t have enough for you, and giving away what you have will cause you to collapse like a house of cards missing a wall. I’ve been here, I’ve done this. I tried to ease his pain while carrying my own – same as both of you. When it was happening independently, we did it, as you two do, and everything was ok. When we did it together, he always walked away better, and I always walked away not better yet. It is not intentional, it is just how it is sometimes. If I could go back and do it all again, I would make sure that I was only giving away what was worthy of giving. A gift of rotten fruit is no gift at all; neither is a gift of selflessness from a person tormenting themselves. The only gift you can give him is a healthy you. The only gift he can give you is a healthy him. Work side-by-side, but focus on you and let him focus on him. In the end, you’ll pass this storm as you did with all the others that came before, and you’ll both see the world in brighter colors, together.

        I truly wish you well, and I hope that you both find your smiles again soon. Please, reach out if you just need someone to hear you. I’m on the other side of the world, so I can’t do much, but I can listen. Please, take care

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is wise advice and I appreciate you giving it. Thank you from my heart to yours.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Mykl. You are a wonderful friend.


  2. I agree. You both need to reach out separately and get help. I wish I was closer instead of a world away. The pups and I send our love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. It means a lot hearing from you and knowing I’m not alone. Big hugs back xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dearest Janet, I’m so sorry that you and Alun are feeling so desperate right now. Feeling suicidal is such an awful and debilitating thing to deal with when you’re past the point of depression, or severe depression, as you have said. It must be incredibly hard with both of you feeling like this. I’ve been there, too, for many years in my past (fortunately, not presently) – I’ve been at the point of no return several times but was fortunate that others including mental health services intervened. (Enough about me – I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, either of you and that I do understand).

    I’ve read your post a few times now, and the comments from your readers and friends here. Marlapaige has offered some excellent advice and has a very clear picture of what you can do to help yourselves. I can’t say better than that – it is extremely valuable and excellent advice. She is right in encouraging you to both, separately, contact the crisis line. I hope they can support you both as you journey through what feels like an impossibly dreadful time. Please reach out to them. That’s why wonderful people like that are there.

    I know it’s extra difficult with both of you feeling as you do and wanting to help each other and not see your partner go through the suffering. As Marla said, you cannot support each other while you’re so unwell and in this horrible place, so try to concentrate on getting better separately. Then, when all this is over (and it will be – have faith), you will be up on deck on that boat again; the water will be calm, and perhaps, you can drop anchor in one of your favourite places, metaphorically speaking.

    I can’t imagine how tough it must be to have to put on a front while you’re working when you feel like hell at that time. I think you’re very brave even to attempt this. I’m always here for a chat, Janet; you can contact me through my contact me page, and I will always reply. Just reach out – there are people who are willing to be there for you while you weather this appalling storm. Do take care of yourself, my friend. When you are both better again, then you can be there for each other again. I have faith that you will get through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

    I am sending you heaps of love with handfuls of comforting, soothing and healing hugs. Always here for you, my friend. Xxxx 💙💛💜🙏💜💛💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Ellie. I have so much I wanted to say to you but I’m so empty, I can’t come up with the words. Please know I’m so very grateful for you in my life and I’m clinging to your words and kindness like life rafts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Please, don’t worry, Janet. I totally understand. You need to concentrate on you and Alun and getting better before worrying about replying to comments etc. I wonder if you both called the crisis line yesterday; however, I know how hard it is to do this when you feel as desperate as you are. Take things step by step, try to get plenty of sleep (if you can) and most importantly, be kind to yourselves. Please feel free to reach out when the time is right for you – I’m always here. Much love Xx 💜💓💜

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Heavenly Father, please wrap your loving arms arouned Janet and Alun and heal them of their deep depression. Let them know that they are both special to You and to us. Thank You and in the powerful name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Kev, thank you sooo much xxxx


  5. For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you (Jeremiah 29:11)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Tam. God is so good and He is in control even when I can’t see the light xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Janet, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there – twice! Please know that I’m praying for you and Alun right now. Here is my phone # 619-234-1289 if you ever need to talk. I’m on the Pacific coast. If you live in the midwest there’s a 3 hour time difference.
    Here is the National Suicide Helpline. 988.
    I’m so glad you posted this. Please let me know what else I can do to help you. Please feel free to call me, but call 988 before you even think of thinking of me. Remember, Janet, you have people who care for you. 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have so much goodness in your heart, Kelly. Thank you sooo much for reaching out when I felt so alone, I appreciate it so much. I live in Western Australia so we have different help line numbers but I did ring one yesterday and spoke to a counsellor and also have an over-the-phone psychologist appointment this morning xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are a world away, aren’t you? LOL! It does my heart good knowing that you reached out to somebody. God bless you, Janet 💜🙏💜


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