"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I just wanted to clear things up about the whole “Matt situation”.

I didn’t want you to think “Oh Lord, this girl is cheating on her husband, poor Alun!” because even though I am indeed fighting a fairly unhealthy addiction to Matt, I would never cheat on Alun. I think over the last 13 years, ‘needing‘ Matt in my life is becoming less of a problem. I don’t contact him as often as I used to – it used to be that I couldn’t go one day without hearing from Matt. Then I met Alun, I fell in love with the right guy for me and messages to Matt become a once-a-month thing and just lately, a once-every-few-months thing.

Alun knows all about my history with Matt. Matt knows I’m happily married to Alun. Matt’s insanely happy with his wife…err let’s go with “Susan”. Everything is above board and there are no secrets.

The thing is, I grew up seeing my parents fight ALL THE TIME. I don’t think they went a day without screaming at each other. They also never went a day without hugging, kissing or proclaiming their undying love for each other so that’s what I thought I wanted.

When Matt and I dated, we were a lot like my parents. We fought about everything but made up quickly, followed by hours of making out. It was a passionate, fiery relationship and although the chemistry was through the roof, we couldn’t seem to agree on a lot. I thought this was what I wanted. I thought “this is what love is – screaming at each other but having each other’s backs and omg the making out is amazinggg“.

I went out with a bunch of ‘Matt-type’ guys after we broke up, desperately trying to fill the ‘Matt-shaped’ space in my heart. It didn’t work because none of the guys I was seeing were Matt. I was looking for an exact replica and that’s not do-able. It took me a long time to figure that one out.

Alun and I met on a ‘dating site’ and went out for drinks. Al was very polite, was quietly spoken, almost shy (hahhahaa I know so much better now!) and was very sweet on our first date. He opened doors for me or held out my chair at the table before I sat. I love that. I love when guys are Gentlemen. Ooft. Hot. But with Alun, I didn’t feel any ‘sparks’ or chemistry, so I told Alun this when he asked me on another date. Al said he was disappointed but that he’d love to be friends. I agreed and we even shook hands on it, bless our hearts.

We spent a year being really good friends. We’d verse each other at bowling, mini golf and laughed our heads off at the zoo, just being silly. I kept going on dates with guys, trying to find “my person” and Alun would politely ask how it was all going. I’d shrug and say I hadn’t found “the one” yet. Alun would encourage me to keep looking and not to give up. I thought that was really sweet. Al was (still is, lol) sooo much fun to be around and I loved having him as a friend.

I honestly thought Alun and I would always be friends and I really felt blessed by that…but one day, everything changed.

As some of you know who follow this blog regularly (bless you, you little sunbeams), WORDS ARE MY JAM. I love to be written to/about (nicely though) because that’s the way I best give and receive love.

At Alun’s for dinner one night, Al gave me his “travel journals” from his first year in Australia. He’d travelled all over and kept journals with postcards, pictures of people he’d met on the way, songs he’d heard on the radio as he drove and a few personal notes as he was working through his divorce. On Christmas eve, he was on his own. Alun had written to himself – a long journal entry about how much it hurt to be alone on Christmas, how he ached to belong to Australia over Wales and how even though he felt alone, he wasn’t because he had his best buddies over in Wales and had made some amazing connections with “mates” here in Australia. To see Alun ‘cheering himself up’ the way I often do…it did something to me.

Alun had asked me something as I was reading and when I looked up to answer…Alun looked different. He looked HOT. I was surprised because he’d always looked friendly and sweet but now my mouth was suddenly dry. Hmm. We sat at the table to eat and Alun was talking about his job cleaning ovens and the people he was meeting along the way. He passed me the salt shaker and when our hands touched – BAM. That was it. I was in love. I was so surprised by it! Where had this come from? What did I do with the fluttering in my heart? Why couldn’t I hold my cutlery steady?

Weird.

3 months later, Alun asked me to marry him and 4 long years of engagement later, we both said “I do” with tears running down our faces in front of our best mates and family.

Best. Day. Ever.

I thought no one could ever replace Matt. I thought I wanted an exact replica of Matt in my life. He was the ‘bad boy’ with tattoos, a motorbike and a wild way about him.

But what God gave me was who I needed. Alun is pretty mouthy, too – but in the right situations and only after someone’s tested his patience enough that he’ll put his foot down and let them know they’ve crossed a line. Alun encourages me on the days when I want to give up, he walks quietly beside me through “the valleys” of depression and rejoices loudly with me “on the mountaintops” when I’ve had a win. Alun will call me out on my bad behaviour and not let me get away with it, but he’ll also give up a lot to make me happy, even when it costs him in every sense of the word.

Matt was the dirty old, mud-covered (sexy though) Ute I thought I wanted. I asked and asked. I tried and tried over 3 decades to be the owner of that rusted old bucket with four big, thick wheels…but God in His wisdom gave me a badass Maserati instead. Sleek. Super cool – and just right for me 🙂

So to sum up after this long essay – I’m in love with Alun and happily married. I’m working on letting go of Matt and day by day, I’m getting closer to doing just that.