I’ve realised I’m letting my weight dictate my life right now. Do you struggle with that at all? It’s overtaking my life.
Because I’m hugely overweight, I’m not allowing myself any fun. I don’t allow myself to rest, either. If I sit down for more than 30 minutes – even after a 9-hour day at work – I berate myself “get up, you fat shit – go and do the dishes or hang the laundry out”.
I don’t allow myself the pleasure I used to enjoy of looking at clothing stores. I loved touching all the different fabrics, trying dresses on (I love me a dress and OMG if it has POCKETS I’m beyond excited!) or even allowing myself to buy new underwear. I wear the ones with holes in them as a punishment for being fat.
“You don’t deserve nice undies” I tell myself off.
So I’m suffering.
Because I’m fat.
All I need to do is cut BACK on how many calories I consume.
Just cut BACK on what I’m eating and increase the water I drink and vegetables I eat.
SO WHY CAN’T I DO THIS?!?
WHY IS THIS SO FREAKING HARD???
I decline time out with my friends because I don’t want to be seen in public. I most of all don’t want to see the photos that will inevitably pop up all over social media – my gorgeous leggy, tall, thin friends with perfectly white teeth, manicured nails, glossy hair and perfect makeup placement. I don’t want to be the one who ruins photos – the odd fat, black girl with a greasy sheen and rolls of fat collecting around her middle. I don’t even have a waist anymore! It’s never been this bad!
I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to find the willpower to do it.
I hate this.
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