Holding myself back…from me

I’ve realised I’m letting my weight dictate my life right now. Do you struggle with that at all? It’s overtaking my life.

Because I’m hugely overweight, I’m not allowing myself any fun. I don’t allow myself to rest, either. If I sit down for more than 30 minutes – even after a 9-hour day at work – I berate myself “get up, you fat shit – go and do the dishes or hang the laundry out”.

I don’t allow myself the pleasure I used to enjoy of looking at clothing stores. I loved touching all the different fabrics, trying dresses on (I love me a dress and OMG if it has POCKETS I’m beyond excited!) or even allowing myself to buy new underwear. I wear the ones with holes in them as a punishment for being fat.

“You don’t deserve nice undies” I tell myself off.

So I’m suffering.

Because I’m fat.

All I need to do is cut BACK on how many calories I consume.


Just cut BACK on what I’m eating and increase the water I drink and vegetables I eat.



I decline time out with my friends because I don’t want to be seen in public. I most of all don’t want to see the photos that will inevitably pop up all over social media – my gorgeous leggy, tall, thin friends with perfectly white teeth, manicured nails, glossy hair and perfect makeup placement. I don’t want to be the one who ruins photos – the odd fat, black girl with a greasy sheen and rolls of fat collecting around her middle. I don’t even have a waist anymore! It’s never been this bad!

I know what I need to do. I just can’t seem to find the willpower to do it.

I hate this.

20 responses to “Holding myself back…from me”

  1. I can feel your pain, believe me! I’ve always been about 20 pounds over weight all my life. Somehow I’ve managed to keep my weight under a certain point…..Until COVID hit and I just kept eating more and more.
    Now I really have ballooned. To add to it, I’m having problems with my legs and can barely walk. In my youth I used to walk so much and so fast. I used to be able to walk 4 miles in an hour and I kept this ritual up every day, even in the winter with snow up to my ankles.
    My heart rate was 42 beats per minute. I was very healthy. Since COVID began, I think I only bought one dress for myself through Amazon. That was almost 2 years ago.
    I used to enjoy shopping for dresses, Not in person, though. The crowds make me nervous.
    I hate to say this, but the only way I’ve ever been able to lose weight is when I was so sick that I couldn’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom.
    The last time I got that sick was when I had my gallbladder removed. I was so sick for over 3 months and could barely eat. During that time I lost 30 or more pounds. I don’t want to get at that level of sickness again, but I’m desperate to lose weight.
    I feel like I’m wearing a fat suit. Horrible!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I sooo relate to you, Catwoman. I used to bounce everywhere; so filled with energy. I used to roll my eyes at “slow walkers” as I overtook them, I loved power walking. Now, I just feel so heavy. So overweight. Ughhh. I’m so sorry you were so unwell and that although you lost weight, you must have suffered so much. I’m hoping we can both find a healthier lifestyle that works for us both. I hope we can get that energy back. As my Dad used to say; “You’re never too old and it’s never too late”

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Hey, weight is a battle so many women have and it is haaaaaaard.
    Psychology and eating are indelibly intertwined so one can trigger the other.
    But! There is hope!
    There are a whole load of techniques you can use to work on this.

    I’m tackling my weight at the moment too and I’m no semi-model wanting to lose five pounds, nope I need to lose more like 100+ pounds for my health. So I get everything you’ve said here.

    The best technique I’ve found so far is to forgive myself. I can’t change the past. I can’t even change yesterday. All I can do I make a good choice in the next five minutes.
    And when you do… be proud of yourself.
    Reward yourself with something that isn’t good – a bath, a book, a chat with a mate.

    Then look at the next decision and make it a good one. Very soon this makes you feel good about yourself. Little tiny victories you can control.

    If you fuck up a bit, and it happens to all of us lol, think of it as an accident.

    It’s worth figuring out what happened- what went through your mind, what was going on etc. but not to blame, only to try to help yourself deal with that I’m a way you’ll be proud of next time, yeah?

    The most important thing is to go, ahhh damn, ok let’s move on and I’ll do the next five minutes better.

    I hope this helps.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Oops! Typo!
      Reward yourself with something that IS good.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I decided to read it as “reward yourself with something that isn’t FOOD and that really resounded with me. Thank you for reminding me that food is not the only way to celebrate a win or comfort myself when I’m hurting. I love bubble baths, watching waves at the beach, reading a book in the park. I just need to re-train my mind to look for these pleasures rather than the “high” a fatty meal brings.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Lol, that works really well too. Better in fact!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Hello Carolannec! Thank you sooo much for commenting, it actually DOES help me. I’ve become so addicted to fatty foods that my mind became a tunnel where my vision was impaired to only seeing food and nothing else. You helped me to remember I like a lot of non foods related blessings – like spending time looking after my hair, doing a full makeup look, watching the sunset, reading a great book or getting lost in a song or a movie. I really needed that, thank you so much. I’m inspired by your journey to start making little changes and to reward myself with OTHER avenues of pleasure 😉

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Awww thank you.
        I’ve dieted on and off all my life. This time it feels different, I’m making changes I can live with, and the forgiving myself when I succumb to a piece of chocolate cake – my weakness! – has made this really workable. I go, ok… let’s go again.

        I do love a bubble bath!
        Singing along to my favourite songs is also a great pick me up in a bad moment.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Yasssssss!!! Singing!!! I find it so healing, so uplifting 💕…and I also like chocolate cake. Mmmmmm.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Lmao!
        I’ve been following your blog January with pom-poms on cheering you on.
        I know you’ve got this girl! 😎👊

        Liked by 3 people

      4. Oooh! One other idea!
        If you find some food you really like and it’s a real hassle to fight yourself over it (think me with cake 😝), I’ve found it works best if I take control and find a recipe that tastes great but is low calorie or low carb or whatever diet works for you.
        I’m finding bariatric recipes work for me – high protein, low carb, low-ish fat. So I’m getting my cake-hits using high protein recipes and there are so many recipes out there to try! 😍

        Liked by 4 people

  3. Yup! Baby steps. That’s the way to do it. It IS important to keep in mind that food isn’t the only way to reward yourself.
    I got to thinking about something. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and I didn’t even buy my usual chocolate ice cream – Häagen-Dazs – my favorite! Or, a 2 liter bottle of Coke. So, I’d call that a win for me.
    My problem? I have too may comfort foods!
    What can I do to reward myself that doesn’t include the naughty stuff?
    I can take a nice, hot soak in the tub, play with my kitty, have a nice, hot cup of chamomile tea at night while watching my favorite shows, read my Bible, color in my adult coloring books, write more in my memoir.
    I’m a bit limited because of my bad legs, so I can’t go outside for walks.
    I’m seeing an acupuncturist so that may change soon. Thanks!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m sooo proud of you for doing such a healthy grocery shop! Look at you go!!! Yass! I love your alternatives to eating junk food, too – I absolutely love the same things. I bought a colouring-in Bible so hopefully I can spend time in God’s Word while indulging in a favourite hobby, too. So good!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you for the encouragement, my friend! We just need to hold each other up. That’s the way to do it!
        As far as a coloring in Bible goes…..I’ve been wanting to get one for ages. I’m going to check the prices on them right now! Thanks for bringing it to mind 💜

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Baby steps still move you forward. Don’t try to change everything at once. Choose one tiny, absolutely doable healthy habit and practice it until it’s automatic. Then choose another. I recommend reading James Clear’s “Atomic Habits.”
    And forgive yourself when you mess up, cuz you will.
    Take care. XO

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I feel this one so much. Either I’m berating myself or I’m having temporary amnesia tucking into my favourites foods with abandon. I’m trying so hard to move more these days but it’s frustrating that moving more sometimes adds to pains due to weak knees and ankles. The excess weight doesn’t help so it’s such a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. I have lost weight though but am far far from my goal. I’ve pretty much yo-yoed my whole life due to imbalanced hormones and stress/ distress bingeing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hard relate on the exercise!
      I keep telling myself, every extra step I take is one more than if I’d stayed on the couch.
      That said, there are also some amazing exercises you can while sitting down.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. Dear! Should regularly do workouts and with raw vegetables and nuts you can definitely put off..

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Janet, so much of what you say rang bells for me. I used to be very overweight, too and detested myself for it. I put weight on pretty quickly as I can’t exercise because of my disability. I just haven’t got any self-discipline. I had over four stones to lose at one point. There was just no way I could lose it by myself, as my willpower was virtually nil. The only way I could finally get some of it off was by joining a group, so I was accountable to someone other than myself. I thought if I couldn’t do it for myself, perhaps, I needed someone to help me and cheer me on from the sidelines. So, I joined Weight Watchers (I don’t know if you have that where you are. Forgive me if you’ve already told me – I’ve got a memory like a goldfish!). The only drawback is that it’s not cheap at £18.95 ($23) monthly. I figured I was probably spending more than that on extra food – all the treats, chocolates, cakes, frequent takeaways (on top of dinners), doughnuts, hot cross buns etc. I’m getting near to my goal weight, but it’s taken a hell of a lot of discipline. I have an online Weight Watchers coach available 24/7, so if I get tempted, I can log on and get some support.

    To pick up on something you said at the beginning about not buying new clothes or undies, I had the same issues. I refused to buy anything pretty or smart as I didn’t feel I deserved it. I would, like you, wear knickers with holes in them and threadbare and bobbly camisoles and bras that had seen better days. I still find it difficult to treat myself to something new – I guess it’s an old habit. But, finally, hooray, I bought myself some brand new pretty knickers (full briefs, though, not skimpy ones, as I still have a few rolls around my middle). I’m getting there, but it’s not been easy – I’ve been more like the tortoise rather than the hare.

    I’m not saying that my method of controlling my input would suit you (it might or might not), but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone on your journey. I can see from your other comments that many other people have experienced the same issues and, like me, are cheering you on. Most importantly, try and be kind to yourself. You’re worth it. Much love, Ellie Xxx 💓💐💕

    P.S. Sorry, I seem to have written another dissertation rather than a comment! Whoops! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello there darling Ellie, thank you SO MUCH for your beautiful “dissertation” because your words mean so much to me. I think if you and I had been in Uni together, we would have been such close friends and gotten great marks on our assignments because we both love to write 🙂

      I’m sooo proud of you and your success at the weight watchers journey. Yeah, we have it here too and I tried it for a week about 5 years ago. I found I wasn’t enjoying the meals so I was paying for weight watchers…then BUYING lunch that I really wanted AS WELL. I was just burning through my pay each week on food. I don’t have the discipline to eat what I’m supposed to. What’s worked for me in the past are meal replacement shakes. I like the convenience, they’re easy to bring to work and they taste sweet so I feel like it’s a “fun thing” rather than a punishment. I lost a stone (10kgs) on them a few years ago and even that small amount of weight made a huge difference in my body shape. I felt so sexy! YAAAASSS!!!

      I hope you are loving your new smaller underwear (I’m so pleased for you!) and that you can keep the weight off. I am so proud of you for your discipline and for finding a program that works for you.

      To keep myself a bit more accountable, I’ve asked my friend Sam to go on a daily walk with me. It gives me time with a friend AND I can burn calories and ease the pain in my knees from sitting all day at work and not using them as I should.

      Sending you SO MUCH LOVE and thanks. I hope you’re having a great day where you are and smiling at yourself in the mirror xx

      Liked by 2 people

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