"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Having just read my friend Tommy’s answer to this January/Bloganuary prompt, I have a big smile on my face. As a Christian I’m struggling with finding Tommy’s use of “she called bullsh*t on that” really, really funny. I like a well-placed swearword, me. Sorry Jesus.

This is a great prompt and I’m looking forward to seeing how my blogging mates (Shanti, Sara, Mykl, Ellie and lovely 1972Italy lady – I’m looking at you guys right now) answer such a question. It has so much depth.

Because we lie to ourselves. A lot.

At least I know I do.

There are a whole bunch of lies I tell myself – so many in fact, that it’s surprised me to find this out about myself. I guess this is why I love the “Bloganuary Challenge” so much – it gives me the challenge of being introspective with parts of myself I will usually ignore or gloss over.

Lies I tell myself (in no particular order):

That my younger sibling loves me, he’s just really rubbish at showing it. THIS IS A LIE. Jay loves his wife, his children, gaming, playing the guitar and making money. Loads and loads of money. That’s it. I will never register on Jay’s “people I love” list, and the sooner I get that through my thick skull, the better I’ll be. The hurt can stop and I can start to heal AND MOVE ON.

That tomorrow I’ll diet. ‘Tomorrow’ in this case is a very fluid concept. I tell myself this lie as I’m thanking the “Uber Eats” guy when he passes me the paper bag with KFC’s logo on it. I tell myself this lie when I have biscuits and cake for tea because I can’t be bothered to make ‘real food’ for dinner. This lie lives with me constantly and I’m not even sure I recognize it as a lie anymore, it’s become so finely woven into my daily life.

That one day, I’ll get everyone’s approval. LIE. I don’t think I’ll ever get it. Funnily enough, it’s MUCH EASIER to P*SS EVERYONE OFF than it is to get everyone to like me. People are going to dislike me and probably have good reason for it. People are going to find me loud, brash, annoying, selfish and not very reliable – and they have every right to feel angry about that. I’m who I am. I’m obviously doing my best to improve…but I probably won’t show up to a lot of planned events because I’m usually being held hostage at home by depression and anxiety. Social anxiety in this case.

That I’m “curvy” and not fat. LIE. I AM HUGE. I need to accept this but it’s so hard when my view of myself is so tied up in what I WANT to look like rather than what actually is. I need to find a way to really look at myself, SEE MYSELF in the horrible, overweight, sweaty state I’m in…and do something about it.

So there you have it. The lies I tell myself. It’s definitely given me some goals to work out and achieve.