"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Raaaaaa. Where to even begin?

So much has happened in the last 4-6 weeks, I don’t even know how to tell you all about it without going on a huge RANT and boring you to death, lol.

Let’s just say it’s been an emotional rollercoaster that I have wanted to jump off many times, but I’m hanging in there – knuckles almost white with the tension of me holding on as tight as I can and doing my best to get through it.

I’m 45 now. I look back on my entire life and I can see some recurring themes. Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I thought I’d share some with you:

I’m the unfavourite in my family and have never fit in. Ever.

I find solace in my friends, they’re genuinely the salt of the Earth.

I’ve always believed in wishes, magical things, fate and hopeful, bright, shiny things in all the darkness I’ve seen. As I got older, I learnt that this was evidence of God’s hand in my life, and I’m so incredibly grateful for it. I love you, Lord. I really do.

Relationships test me ON THE DAILY. Do I learn from them? No. This is annoying and something I really need to get a handle on.

I’m obviously very ‘grown up’ at 45 (or am I? lol)…but the things I hoped for, wanted to be and loved when I was 15 are still the things I strive for this very day – to be loved, to love others as much as I can, to write, to sing, to hold someone’s hand when they’re feeling lost and to light my bright torch and try to make the darkness around me recede…as much as I can. Some days I can light the whole world up. Some days it’s a tiny flickering flame…but every day, I try my very best.

So.

What do I hope for in the new year?

I guess in the last 13 years, I’ve had the same THREE goals:

• Lose weight. (FFS Janet. You are HUGE, girl).
• Change my name legally to JANET because I left “Jan” behind when I was 13 and haven’t ever looked back. #thankyounext
• Get my driver’s licence.

I still haven’t gotten any ^^ of the above accomplished. I AM HUGE and WEIGH the MOST I EVER have in my ENTIRE LIFE. This is absolutely appalling…but even as I write this to you, I’m consuming corn chips at an alarming rate.

I beat up on myself daily. I put myself down. I doubt myself and for the most part I don’t believe in myself. So to combat this and try to find balance in the whirlwind that is me, I want to list the things I’ve done that I’m actually really (secretly) proud of:

• I’m an incredible singer. I know that sounds terribly vain, but it’s true. My voice is amazing 🙂 Singing heals me. It lifts my depression and calms my anxiety. It makes good days even better and bad days more manageable. Singing to me is like breathing, it is that crucial to my every day life. I love it and I have come to realise I need it.
• I’m a true, loyal friend. I love my friends wholeheartedly. I admit, in terms of physically being there – I’m pretty crap at that part – but in terms of coming through for someone when they really need me, I’m there every time. I’ll listen for hours without complaining when you want to talk, I’ll message you every day when you’re going through hell, I’ll Uber Eats you dinner so you don’t have to cook or book in a cleaner to help lift the burden of everything you’re carrying. I will give you anything I can to help you in any and every situation. I’m proud of that. I’d want to be my friend if I wasn’t me and that’s saying a lot.
• I’m a great writer with a book deal with Olympia Publishers. Granted, they’re a vanity press…but when I thought about the cost and time involved in self publishing when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing – it’s worth investing that same amount with a company who so far have proven to be really nice to me, are interested in my Memoir, can arrange the ISBN, publishing and printing my book, have connections to bookstores, Amazon and e-Libraries/e-Bookstores and – this is the most important bit – these guys have the ability to make a phsycial copy of my life story that I can one day hold in my hand and say “I wrote this”. That’s worth $5000.00 in my eyes. Easy. God knows, I’ve basically wasted away that same amount on whatever it was my Mom used it on…may as well use it on MY OWN MEMOIR next time, no?
• I’m currently in a high-paying, high-level Government Job in Sustainability – which is what I studied so hard for in Uni…that’s something.
• About a week or so ago – I applied to have my name legally changed 🙂 I’m hoping all the paperwork goes through successfully and that it gets approved. I can’t wait to have the certificate in my hot little hands in the new year. I mostly can’t wait to show it to Alun, he’s going to be sooo proud of me. One of my ‘lifetime’ goals is going to be complete.

Argh this blog is a bit all over the place, isn’t it?

Basically, I’m doing my best to survive and that’s the life I’m used to living.

Deeeeeeep breaths, JD. You’re okay.

Moving on.

My goals for 2023:

• Find a job I’m happy in. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but I’d like to 1) know how to do my job 2) work for a boss I respect 3) feel comfortable in the office.
• LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!! OH MY GOD.
• Go to Church every Sunday. It’s good for my heart.
• Save enough to take Alun and I on an AMAZING HOLIDAY.
• Be comfortable in my own skin again. JUST ONCE more. Please, God.
• Bless Alun
• Bless my friends
• Bless my Mom
• Understand and indulge in the quiet art of “Me Time” at least ONCE a week. If not more.

If you get time, I’d love to know what your goals are. I really would – so please drop me a line/comment if you can. Thanks guys.