"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

As you know if you’ve been following my blog, Matt is a running theme in my life. I think I have a 14-year-old version of me who is madly in love with him and always will be, followed by the 21-year-old version who moved states to be with him and the 32-year-old me who moved COUNTRIES just to stand next to him for a few moments that humid, challenging week in Darwin.

Matt messaged me to ask how my recovery in hospital was going. He said he is “constantly praying for me” which touched my heart. Caught in a vulnerable moment, I messaged back (without thinking) “I’m constantly thinking of you. I have done since I was 14”.

I pressed send without considering the repercussions.

I basically set of an emotional grenade and had no idea.

In our entire ‘history’, I’ve been the wise one, the Godly one, the ‘holy‘ one, even in the heat of passion that fateful weekend 13 years ago…a tiny part of my heart thinks it will always belong to Matt. That part of my heart of hearts thinks our history was written in the fabric of the stars billions of years before we even came into being and that part unfortunately controls a lot of what I say and do when Matt is concerned. Whenever he’s in the picture, I start to lose clarity. Matt’s the first and only guy to affect me on every level; all at once.

This afternoon, though – Matt put me in my place. Firmly.

It was so unusual it made me catch my breath. We’d somehow swapped and Matt was the one reminding me to be Godly and to put my husband first.

Matt told me off, basically. He responded to my message with something like “I’m so flattered you think of me, but you should really be putting Alun first. You need to stop thinking about me in that way and always think of Alun”.

I was stunned because 1) he was 100% RIGHT and 2) He’d never spoken to me in such a way in our whole lives. Matt spoke from a place of wisdom and Godliness that I’ve never heard him speak from before.

Seconds after Matt wrote his reponse, he wrote something like “I hope that doesn’t hurt you” or “I hope I’ve not offended you” and followed it up with something like “I just wanted to make sure you put Alun first and always go to him. I’m always here for you and only a call or message away – but put Alun first, ok?”

I honestly feel like Matt suddenly grew up in those messages.

I could hear God’s influence on him. I could hear his Mom’s wisdom in his messages and I got the distinct feeling that his Dad (who also passed away – we both grieve the loss of our Dads) would have been beaming away at Matt, so proud of him.

I’m SHOOK but it was something I needed to hear.

ps. I love Alun with all my heart and I would never intentionally do anything to mess that up. I’m not trying to replace him with Matt and Matt doesn’t hold more importance than Alun and never will…it was a moment of weakness and I’m glad Matt shut it down.

Impressive, Matt. Touche’.