"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

My book coach says to start each chapter of my Memoir ‘with a hook‘ so here’s my re-write for chapter 2, “Obsession“.

I’d love to know what you think, guys.

The Original beginning of the chapter:

When I met him, I was 14 and “Will” was 16. He was broken on the inside, mouthy, sarcastic, shy, tall, as thin as a rake and had big ears. Will’s raven black hair set off the piercing blue of his eyes and I honestly thought he was the most gorgeous boy I’d ever seen in my life. Will was quiet and gave off waves of fragility and fear – mostly fear of rejection; pain from the endless teasing. Other boys called him “wingnut” and bullied him, so he stayed out of the limelight and kept his head down. I liked that about him – his quietness, vulnerability and strength. I understood what it was like to be bullied and rejected, so I felt a protectiveness and a kinship with Will the moment I saw him.

The re-write with ‘a hook’:

I knew it was wrong and I wanted it anyway. I licked my dry lips and with trembling hands, I dialled his number; my fingers skipping over each numbered key on autopilot because this had become so familiar. ‘Muscle memory’ my Psychiatrist would later label it. As I dialled, I felt my heartbeat racing against my ribs. My hands were perspiring, and I ignored the lightheaded feeling that was making the room spin. I wasn’t even going to attempt to steady my ragged breathing because I was beyond caring.

I’d crossed over the line between logic and madness weeks ago.

Now it was time to get what I wanted.

Since I posted the above ^^ I’ve re-written the beginning of the forth chapter – “Annihilated” – too:

Chapter 4’s Original beginning:

I was 16 and ½ when depression first hit me. It came at me like an unexpected tornado – tearing up everything I thought I knew and changing my world (seemingly overnight) from colours and happiness to a misty, thick fog of grey. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t understand the sudden (yet invisible) lead weights on my body that held me down and made even simple things 1000 times harder than they used to be. Everything became overwhelming. Showering was too hard. Brushing my teeth was suddenly “too much”. Making breakfast seemed an impossible feat. Getting dressed seemed as improbable. How was this so easy only a few days ago?

The ‘Hook’ Re-write:

The first thing I noticed was that it was bright outside. Too bright. Squinting, I made my way to the window and gently turned the rod that made the thin, vertical blinds turn downwards to dim the sun’s bright rays. As I did, I noticed a tiny heart-shaped sticker on one of the slats.

I paused and looked at it. It was no bigger than a solitary diamond on an engagement ring. It looked so out of place in the drab hospital room. I wondered who had placed it there and why. Was it a sign of desperation or of hope?