Ironically the medication I take is literally bitter pills. I have the unfortunate moment of tasting them on my tongue before I wash them down with the tiny paper cup of water the Nurse gives me after watching to make sure I swallow my tablets.
Blogging is all good and well when I’m the one suffering, but when I have to blog that I’m the toxic one, it’s really, really hard.
I pride myself on integrity and I think a lot of that is honestly admitting our faults and doing our best to work on not doing hurtful things to others.
Mine lately has been gossiping to basically everyone about my Mom and Brother and how ‘awful’ they both are. I think a part of it is the trauma they’ve both put me through in the past – particularly my Mom and her financial needs this last year and a half – so I’m clouded when my thoughts go to either Mom or Jay – I’m instantly in ‘defence mode’ and my ‘survival’ instincts are set off.
How do I get through this without being torn apart? That’s what I think whenever I see my Mom or hear about my brother. Yes – ABOUT – not FROM because he’s decided to send me out into the wilderness of his silence again. It’s okay because I’m used to it.
The thing is, I’ve been telling Nurses and friends that Mom and Jay are such ‘bad’ people when this is the truth:
(and OMG this HURTS to have to type):
Jay is housing Mom and is doing an amazing job caring for her. He’s paid her medical bills just lately (Mom needs a hearing aid) and he and Kate are keeping Mom fed, housed, healthy and happy.
Mom has her own room, her own space, her own bathroom and is being really well looked after.
After being the servant of the family and having the expectation placed upon me even from a young age, it’s always been assumed that I – and I alone – will do the ‘caring for’ when it comes to my family members. But now that I’m in hospital and literally unable to do anything but try to keep myself alive…JAY HAS TAKEN OVER AND HE IS DOING AN AMAZING JOB.
I’m so bitter about that.
I’m annoyed at how well Jay is looking after Mom when it’s been my job for so very, very long. I’m angry about how easy he’s finding it and he’s able to provide for Mom without suffering. I’m angry at myself for not being thankful to have a brother who also loves my Mom and is doing his best to care for her and meet her needs while I recover in hospital.
I feel like asking “How dare you?” when all Jay’s doing…is looking after Mom. It’s stupid but I feel inferior. I feel like Jay’s looking after Mom ‘in my face’ or ‘at me’. I don’t understand where these feelings are coming from.
Jay’s also able to do it extravagently and I’m jealous of that…but the main thing is, Mom has somewhere to call home and she’s happy and safe. It is so hard for me to say JAY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. It grates me and makes me resentful and I don’t understand the reasoning behind that or why it makes me ball my hands into fists.
Mom herself is doing her best. She has to catch 2 buses to come to Hospital to see me and in her mind and heart, she’s reaching out to me and making sure she spends time with both Jay and I. The one thing I wanted all my life was to be seen as equal to Jay and here it is – and I’m angry about it and don’t enjoy Mom’s visits.
There is something fundamentally broken in me. Something wrong with me.
God’s giving me what I’ve asked for all my life and I don’t like it.
Mom is a loving, giving, caring, gentle, sweet lady who catches 2 buses just so she can hug me, hold my hand and share her life with me and I’m complaining about it?!?
Who do I think I am???
At this point, I don’t know anymore.