"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Mom came to visit again yesterday – unannounced – which made my anxiety shoot through the roof.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mom. But when she comes to visit, I feel the burden of looking after her financially, having to hear about Dad’s death again and also hearing about Jay’s children when I’ve never met them and probably never will.

Mom isn’t aware of it, but her visits rub salt into deep wounds so it’s really hard to see her when I feel so broken. I’ve told Mom that, but she visits anyway.

Mom told me that deep breathing can “fix” me. “When I’m sad, I just do some guided meditation and I feel happy again. You should do it too”.

But my brain has a chemical imbalance where it doesn’t produce enough serotonin or dopamine…so breathing/yoga/exercise/whatever other bollocks you’ve seen on YouTube IS NOT GOING TO WORK ON ME.

“Mom” I tried. Gently. “The thing is, this is a medical illness in my brain and I’m highly distressed – so techniques that might work on people without mental illness are not going to work on me”

Mom looked unimpressed. “But have you tried it?”

As if I’m refusing to get better. I felt like Mom was having a dig at me – making it my fault that I wasn’t getting better.

The guilt piled onto my rising anxiety. This was incredibly unpleasant.

Ironically I did take deep breaths just so I didn’t scream “but you don’t understand!!!” at the top of my lungs.

Mom told me a bit about her relationship with her Grandson Sebastian. He’s 5 and from the sounds of it, is very smart, confident and well spoken.

He’s also a little shit.

Mom said Sebastian was “sliding playfully off the bed”, she wasn’t touching him at all. Sebastian had decided Mom had pushed him so he called her A LIAR and told her off for something she didn’t do.

I know. In the grand scheme of things, it probably wasn’t that big a deal, but for me, that raised a little red flag. It’s not ok to tell your Grandmother off for something she didn’t do. Maybe because he’s little, Sebastian felt he wanted to boss someone else around…I don’t know.

Mom told me that later that same evening, Sebastian had told her (and I’m quoting him word for word now) “I wish I could hire a big bin. I’d put you in it and I’d add very heavy things so you would be squashed like a pancake!”

Jay and Kate overheard and told Sebastian that wasn’t nice.

He was not sorry. He also wasn’t asked to apologise.

Mom said Jay pulled her aside later to excuse Sebastian’s behaviour “He’s a clever little kid but he holds grudges, just give him time, Mom”.

Ah. So…he’s just like YOU, then.

Even though he’s only 5, Sebastian understands how to manipulate, blame, deny responsibility and hold grudges.

Wow. Great job, Jay.

Mom tried too – to excuse Sebastian’s behaviour when I frowned listening to her.

“You don’t have to worry, sweet. He’s just a little boy. He’s fine”.

It worries me that noone in the situation is going to challenge Sebastian’s behaviour or show him a good example of being kind, forgiving, and responsible for his actions/words.

If he’s like this at 5…totally ok with “Squashing Grandmother in a bin”…what’s he going to be like at 10? 15? 20?

Ultimately it’s none of my business so I’ll just keep quiet.

Sigh.