"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Posting the first chapter of my completed memoir on here made me see it with fresh eyes because I’m letting people very important to me read the first part of my life’s story.

I realised as I read it this morning that I repeat myself a lot and that it’s FAR TOO LONG. I found myself rolling my eyes like “yeah yeah, you felt neglected, we get it – for the love of God, move ONNNNN” so that’s something I’ll need to change. I wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t posted it. I’ll post the re-write and would love your feedback on it. I need to ‘show’ and not ‘tell’ the favouritism in my family…I’m not sure how to do that because so much of me wants to scream about the injustice of it from the rooftops rather than eloquently and subtly ‘hint’ at it and let the reader fill in the blanks, giving them reader satisfaction which is key to writing a best seller, according to Stephen King’s memoir.

Thank you to those who took the time to read it and big hugs to those who took time to comment, it really does mean a lot to me. It’s helping me see where the faults are and where a few ‘screws need tightening’ in my writing. You guys are rays of sunshine in my bleak world.

I’m still in the Psych ward at Hospital and today was particularly difficult because while I was in group therapy, My Mom came to see me.

I haven’t seen her in 3 years and I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to Mom – I love her very, very much. I want my Mom to be happy, safe and comforted. I pray for Mom every day that God will hold her close to His heart and give her wisdom – especially regarding her finances because whatever Mom needs financially comes from Alun and I – mostly from me, because Alun has way more sense when it comes to finances. (I’m the one who would march into the Casino and bet it all on black). Maybe I shouldn’t be in charge of financial decisions because I have the financial intellect of an 8-year-old.

Thinking Mom came all the way from Maylands on her own to see me and then got turned away absolutely broke my heart. I cried telling the Nurses about it. I was supposed to be complaining about how they could send my Mom AWAY after she’d come all this way and we’d not seen each other in 3 years but I ended up just crying and hyperventilating…working the words “My Mom” and “she’s so little and she came all this way on her own” between sobs.

Mom and I have messaged (she needs to STOP messaging me from Dad’s Facebook account, it scares the living daylights out of me to hear from my Dad every now and then while I’m here in Hospital grieving the loss of him) and have arranged a visit for Saturday around 3pm. I’ll organise an Uber for her so I know Mom will travel to/from safely.

It will be the first time I’ve seen Mom…but it will also be the first time I see Mom without Dad faithfully at her side with his daggy, lopsided grin and his deep voice saying “Babygirl” whenever we saw each other after a time of being apart.

I don’t know how my heart will navigate that.