At my wits end

Alun got drunk. Again. He drinks way too much and although it used to be occasionally, now it’s every other night. I’m really worried about it. It’s going to kill him.

I asked Alun to talk to me about how he is, about things that are worrying him or causing him stress. I ask when he’s drunk because he’s more likely to tell me. If I asked sober Alun, I’d get a sarcastic response and his walls would go up.

Drunk Alun confessed to being depressed.

As someone who struggles with depression daily, that rang HUGE alarm bells.

What do I do? How can I help?

Alun shrugged and took huge (alarming) gulps of his wine “Nothing you can do. I don’t want to talk about it to anyone. Just leave me alone”.

Part of me wants to hold him tight and fix it so he doesn’t have to hurt. Not for a second more. I want to shield him from the pain and I will do whatever he needs to make him happy and we’ll again. I really will.

The other part of me wants to scream in frustration because if Alun continues on his path of “I’ll keep it all within myself and just drink until I pass out” then one of us is going to die.

Al will surely die from alcohol poisoning. It’s only a matter of time before his liver just can’t cope with the excessive drinking.

Or…I’ll kill myself because I feel so helpless when Alun shuts me out, refuses to get any help or support and treats me like some kind of idiot in his suffering. It’s sooo maddening!!!

I’m not stupid, Alun. I’m actually pretty freaking smart. I know talking to someone will help you and the path of destruction you’re on not only makes you so much worse, it breaks my heart to watch you poison yourself every night like this. I can’t stand it. I can’t just sit and watch you slowly disappear.

This is not sustainable, my love!!!

I’m crying frustrated tears as I post because I truly believe if Alun just opened up to me and trusted me, we could find a great psychologist and GP to get alongside him to help him get better.

But Alun shoots that idea down with so much disgust I feel as if I’ve recommended he get an enema.

I’m doing everything I can to keep myself from another suicide attempt but my God, is it tempting when I know my husband doesn’t think I’m smart or strong enough to help him.

I’m drowning here and Alun is on the pier watching me and drinking. That’s what it feels like. How am I supposed to help him if he won’t see anyone about what he’s going through?

I just can’t keep going like this. It’s too much for me. I don’t have the skills or tools to help Alun when I’m drowning. We need outside help but Alun point blank REFUSES.

So then what? I just keep watching him drink until he passes out???

I don’t know what to do, but I have to think of something and I have to come up with a solution ASAP.

If you can hear me, Alun’s liver…I’m on your side and I’ll do everything I can to save you from being overworked and underappreciated. Please hold on, I’m on it.

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