I find it hard to forgive

That’s a toxic trait of mine…if an apology isn’t offered, then you better bet I’ll hold that grudge until I die.

Alun is the opposite. He wears his heart on his sleeve and forgives easily and moves on from a fight/disagreement pretty much right away, bless his heart.

This is what I have to keep in mind because I know any minute now, I’ll hear Alun’s keys in the door. He’ll want to be friends and to move as quickly past yesterday as humanly possible.

I struggle because I want to hold onto the anger.

I almost died, Alun!!!

But had things been the other way around, Alun would have forgiven me immediately.

If he knocked on the door and I (begrudgingly) let him in…if I had turned to wander off, Alun would have reached out to take my hand. He would have pulled me into his chest and put his arms comfortingly around me. Alun would have kissed the top of my head and whispered “Love you, Gorg”.

But me? I struggle.

I don’t want to lovingly greet Alun when he comes home. I only know how to punish and hold onto anger rather than to forgive because that’s what my parents did to me whenever I messed up. Even if it wasn’t my fault, I got heavily punished. Every time.

I need to break that chain.

I can’t do it on my own, so Father God…I humbly ask for Your help right now.

Please Lord, give me a heart of compassion and forgiveness towards Alun. Take my anger and ego away and help me to see Alun through your eyes, Lord. Help me to remember that in 10 years together, Alun has rarely let me down. Please take my heart of stone and soften it. Please help me, Lord God. Amen.

6 responses to “I find it hard to forgive”

  1. Amen 🙏🏾. He has heard you and his answer is that he is here to help. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems to be difficult for some people once they have an anger response to just control it, how you describe your dynamic is similar to mine, except i am the forgiving one that find it easy to move on, my OH, not so much and takes a while without knowing why it stays either. Being affected by your upbringing is not something easily undone, so I feel for you, it’s taken me a long time to understand and work through certain things, it can’t be done all at once. Don’t be so hard on yourself, breaking the cycle of familiarity doesn’t always come easy x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your compassion and kindness in your response. You sound like such a sweet person and I envy your ability to forgive easily. I relate to your OH struggling with it and you’re so right, family history plays an important part in how we deal with things in our relationships with others…but praise God, it is a cycle that CAN be broken and many years of being loved without expectation and conditions has helped me forgive a lot faster (taking hours or days rather than years). I’m so grateful for our capacity to LOVE ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s ok, and it’s been a learning curve to get to it, I forgive easily what should be forgiven, I do not forget and have walked away from family for things that are beyond simple forgiveness, and do not go back. But putting things into perspective helped me, and the cycle can be broken. But you have to stand up for yourself, to yourself, sometimes you are your greatest battle xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. So powerful and so true.

        Liked by 1 person

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