That’s a toxic trait of mine…if an apology isn’t offered, then you better bet I’ll hold that grudge until I die.
Alun is the opposite. He wears his heart on his sleeve and forgives easily and moves on from a fight/disagreement pretty much right away, bless his heart.
This is what I have to keep in mind because I know any minute now, I’ll hear Alun’s keys in the door. He’ll want to be friends and to move as quickly past yesterday as humanly possible.
I struggle because I want to hold onto the anger.
I almost died, Alun!!!
But had things been the other way around, Alun would have forgiven me immediately.
If he knocked on the door and I (begrudgingly) let him in…if I had turned to wander off, Alun would have reached out to take my hand. He would have pulled me into his chest and put his arms comfortingly around me. Alun would have kissed the top of my head and whispered “Love you, Gorg”.
But me? I struggle.
I don’t want to lovingly greet Alun when he comes home. I only know how to punish and hold onto anger rather than to forgive because that’s what my parents did to me whenever I messed up. Even if it wasn’t my fault, I got heavily punished. Every time.
I need to break that chain.
I can’t do it on my own, so Father God…I humbly ask for Your help right now.
Please Lord, give me a heart of compassion and forgiveness towards Alun. Take my anger and ego away and help me to see Alun through your eyes, Lord. Help me to remember that in 10 years together, Alun has rarely let me down. Please take my heart of stone and soften it. Please help me, Lord God. Amen.