The very last one.

When I was little, I refused to eat anything except chicken nuggets and corn kernels.

For 2 years. Yep.

I would savour every bite. I thought Western food was the most awesome thing ever.

You know the feeling when you’re with someone you love? Or when you’re around the first crush you had? You wanted to stretch that moment out as long as you could and make it last?

Well this is my last moment.

So get comfortable. Take a seat.

Because hopefully in a few hours from now I’ll be dead.

Let’s chat awhile, my friend.

My husband is at home sleeping off a hangover. I told Alun straight up “I’m suicidal and I want to die”. I swear he internally rolled his eyes “not this bollocks again”.

“I’ll cancel with your Mom” and nudged me on the sofa with his foot.

If only it were that easy, Al.

Satisfied he’d prevented another “Janet drama” Alun went back to bed.

I’ve never been drunk before so I can’t really relate to Alun feeling so drunk he was totally fine leaving his suicidal wife to her own devices.

My “own devices” took every single tablet available in the house and put them all into a small bottle.

As I popped tablets out of their foil wrapping, I said goodbye to a memory.

5 tablets – I will never feel the loneliness of being called “nigger” in a predominantly white school ever again. I will never again have to wipe something on my sleeve before lending it to someone.

1 tablet – I won’t have to go to lunch with Mom today. Ha.

10 tablets – I won’t have to watch helplessly as my husband drinks himself to death rather than see a fucking counsellor.

5 big tablets – I will never be compared to Jay ever again. This one made me smile.

2 tablets – I will never feel scared at the gym again. Wallace won’t be able to “just watch” me ever again. Being stalked has stayed with me…like a glue that dried but it still sticky and so hard to get rid of completely. I am still turning around to see who’s behind me when I walk through the city.

1 tablet – I won’t have to know Jack – someone I called family – blocked me on social media anymore. That hurt sooo much.

1 tablet – I will never have to hurt that the Judge ruled it “inadmissible” that Natasha took my identity, texted my boss as me and lost me a contract.

10 tablets – I won’t be the family disappointment any more. Winning.

5 tablets – I won’t have to feel deeply ashamed whenever Alun introduces me as his wife any more. Never again will I try to rationalise why Alun – tall, handsome, capable, funny, smart, caring – is with someone like me.

10 tablets – I won’t have to say goodbye to my Dad. That is such a huge relief that my heart floods with happiness. I’ve not felt that in so long. It’s wonderful. I should have done this so. much. sooner.

15 tablets – for every time Jay abandoned me. This time, I get to leave you, Jay. Woah. The rush from that is astounding. Maybe this is why YOU did it so much? Hmm.

3 tablets – to forget the pain of knowing Marc also blocked me. Hahaha. He was my ‘replacement brother’. I guess I’m not cut out to be a big sister. Not sure I’d be able to deal with the pain of that without these tablets.

3 tablets – for the rage I’ve experienced all year, sending Mom large amounts of money when every part of my being is screaming “Noooooo!” My Mom played me like a fiddle, guys. More fool me.

Feeling pretty tired now so I’ll sign off, guys.


4 responses to “The very last one.”

  1. Praying that you’re found in time. I know how hard it is for you but you’re so gifted and you have a million more stories to share. They help people so much. More than you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Can’t like this post but I’m waiting to like your next one…want you to be ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I want to have something to say here, but I Hate this so much…….I wanted so much to tell you that there is all the other “lasts” to have in the future… but I just hope that things don’t work out with this plan. I really just wish you to live, and to find some more hope….
    And like the other comment I want to like your next post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. best comment i have ever gotten…

      Liked by 1 person

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