For a change, I’m not going to write about my mental illness, my worries, my complaints about work or how sick I feel.
Today, let’s talk about boys.
I moved back to Perth from the UK when I was 32 years old (2009). Newly divorced, I was super keen to join the dating world and wanted to date as many boys as possible.
Setting my profile up on ” the Oasis dating site was easy. I clicked a candid photo of myself just as I was at that very moment – slim and gorgeous – and uploaded it as my profile pic. I wrote a short paragraph about the guy I was ideally after. I think I wrote something like “Looking for a good guy with a hint of “asshole” to him (I wanted someone confident and able to speak their mind as well as someone I couldn’t walk all over. I thought “asshole” was the best way to describe that). I hope to find someone honest and kind. I also want someone who I can laugh with. It would be nice to play-fight and be competitive but also have a strong attraction”.
Happy with that, I hit “publish/share” and I was live.
Come at me, boys. I’m ready.
And come at me, they did.
OMG. Boys. Everywhere.
I’ll admit, I liked it! The constant “ping!” on my computer with messages from guys wanting to talk to me, get to know me and take me on a date. It was nice being wanted.
I went on my first date with Tim after “talking” online then a few times on the phone together. For our date, we went shopping for a new iron for Tim. Yep. We went to Myer (so this guy must’ve had money. I would have gone to Kmart for an iron) and looked at the various models there. I felt comfortable around Tim but no ‘spark’. Even so, I tried to joke with him to lighten the serious mood he was in “I like the pink one” I held it up and wiggled my eyebrows.
“Nope” Tim kept looking, a frown on his face as he weighed up the options.
I tried again to get a smile from him; “Is this date a ruse? Like…are you just getting me to pick an iron that you’ll later pummel me to death with in a field later this eve?”
Tim smiled at last.
“Haha no” he reached for an iron from the shelf in front of us “Good try, though”.
Tim was too serious for me.
I went on a date with Phil. We met up at a restaurant in East Perth. It was nice to go into the warm, dry setting because it was raining outside and really cold.
Phil and I made small talk as the waiter seated us. The menus were cute little black booklets and I perused mine with curiosity.
I gasped when I saw “baby goat pie” listed on the menu. I’m all for eating meat, I love it…but a baby goat? That seemed like something too cute to put in a pie!
“What’s up?” Phil had noticed my reaction.
“Did you see this?” I turned my menu so Phil could see as I pointed at the baby goat pie listing.
Phil licked his lips! “Looks good to me”
I was aghast. Surely he was joking?
But when the waiter came to take our orders, Phil really did order the baby goat pie. I was appalled and told him so.
“Does this mean you won’t hang out later this eve with me?” Phil asked.
“Yes. Sorry but I’ve been put off” I angrily stabbed at my meal with a fork. I needed this meal to be over as soon as possible.
“I have a 9 inch penis. You don’t want to miss out” he invited.
I don’t care about your stupid penis, mate.
Justin picked me up for our breakfast date. I wasn’t working so I was trying to book as many dates around meals as I could. Haha.
Off we went to Hilary’s for breakfast. I loved being by the sea and seeing yachts and all sorts of boats bobbing about on the water as we ordered from the menu.
I hadn’t eaten the night before, so I was ravenous and couldn’t wait for my pancakes to arrive. I couldn’t focus on what Justin was saying, I was too hungry. When the pancakes appeared at our table, I inhaled them. I wasn’t satisfied when my pancakes were gone, so I hungrily eyed Justin’s plate of fried bacon, eggs and baked beans. He’d eaten the eggs but was talking animatedly and hadn’t touched his bacon. My mouth watered. I love bacon, me.
I’m usually very polite and well behaved, especially on a date – but hunger trumped logic and before I knew it, I’d asked “Are you gonna eat that?” and gestured at Justin’s delicious savoury breakfast with my fork. Justin’s eyebrows went up and he slid his plate across to me with a frown.
Surprisingly we went on 2 more dates. Justin confessed to growing romantic feelings for me and wanting to seriously date. I didn’t feel the same. We hugged and wished each other well. Justin messaged me about 4 weeks later, he was in love and happy with his girlfriend “Justine” of all names. Lol.
I met up with Terry on a Tuesday. Here in Perth, Tuesdays are “cheapo Tuesdays” at the movies and all tickets are half price so off we went. I felt at ease around Terry and liked his company. We both had the same sense of humour and it was fun hanging out with him. During the movie, Terry (very sweet) asked to hold my hand. I’d friend-zoned him, though…so I gently explained that and Terry – absolute legend – accepted it. We agreed to meet every Tuesday from then on – as mates – and do fun things. Perfect.
Along came Mike. Manly, tall, dark, sexy AF with a gorgeous Irish accent to match. Sparks flew the moment we met. I fancied Mike right away. He was holding back because he’d just come out of a really tough relationship. I could understand that, so I waited and gave him space. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner on our first date. Talking together was fun, Mike was a gentleman and held doors open for me. Making him laugh was easy and I loved seeing his straight, even teeth whenever Mike smiled or laughed. He had blue/grey eyes which I’d never seen before.
Mike was muscle-y, manly, sexy (dayum) and held himself with confidence. He had a trim waist and long legs. I loved that about him. Offt. On our 2nd date, we saw Ironman 3. Mike kissed me on the walk home. We stopped THREE TIMES to just make out on the way home. It was amazing. I don’t know about you, but I like to be kissed a certain way.
Cringy to admit, but I liked to be kissed as if the guy doing it is eating a juicy hamburger 🍔 😋 hahaha. I like a lot of tongue. A good seal with his mouth over mine, then a lot of slow, purposeful tongue action. I love it. YASS BOOYYYYYY. Kiss me like you’re eating the juiciest, tastiest burger you’ve ever had. That’s what lights me up.
Mike kissed me like that. Heaven.
Because he still hadn’t made his mind about seriously dating me, I was seeing Patrick at the same time. Patrick and I talked on the phone a lot. Something about his voice turned me on. Ooft. I like a deep, manly voice, me. Mmm mmm. I told both boys I was seeing them. While Mike seemed uncomfortable that I was still seeing other guys, Patrick embraced it. He encouraged it! Patrick was dating other girls and proposed that we become each other’s “f*ck buddy” while we were dating others and trying to find the people we would finally fall in love with.
At that point, I’d never had a “f*ck buddy” before. I was only starting to have sex, so everything was new to me. Praise God, Patrick was a really, really good guy. He insisted on a date before sex every single time we met up. I honestly didn’t care about the date, I was excited to get it on so going out for dinner first just seemed like a huge hindrance to me. Lol. But Patrick wanted to treat me like a lady so before every date, he’d take me for a meal and we’d talk – about everything. We’d have sex and afterwards, Patrick would make sure I was comfortable and safe before either he left – or if we were at his house – before he drove me home. I couldn’t have picked a nicer person to be my ‘f*ck buddy’, seriously.
We would talk about our lives, our studies (we were both “mature age” Uni students at the time), our hopes and dreams…it was an amazing combination having a friend to jump into bed with on the days/nights we were both up for it. It was awesome! So much fun. Patrick was a patient and attentive lover and I learnt a lot about great sex from him. It was so weird because I got to sleep with someone who was simultaneously becoming a dear, trusted friend. We had so many common interests and we really liked each other. It was…awesome.
While I was waiting for Mike to decide to properly date me or for Patrick to catch feelings for me (I was starting to fall for him), I kept dating other guys.
I went to dinner with Gavin who was pretty deaf but didn’t want to accept it so hadn’t told me about it. We roared our way through 2 courses. I went home with a sore throat and ringing ears.
I went to lunch with Daniel who was really difficult to talk to so I didn’t enjoy our date.
I met up with Paul – a guy from the UK – for a picnic in the park. He was “ok” but there were no sparks. In case maybe I wasn’t putting in enough effort, I let Paul kiss me.
I went on a date with a super hot 🔥 Irish guy. Ooft. So sexy. He talked a lot about sex though and was incredibly interested in a threesome.
No thanks. Next.
I went to the movies with an incredibly attractive Irish guy (another one – is Ireland just filled with hot males???) called Mark. He was so hot 🔥 omg. Mark pitched the idea of “friends with benefits” to me, too, but I already had Patrick so that position (or in Patrick’s case…many different positions hahahaha) had been taken. Mark boasted he could make me orgasm “with just one kiss”.
I was definitely up for giving it a go, so when Mark walked me to the door after the movies, he kissed me. Deeply. Passionately but slowly. Loads of long, slow tongue movements.
Ngl guys, that kiss was incredible. It made my toes curl and left me breathless and wanting more.
I don’t know why…but I never saw Mark again. Hmm. This was the first time in all my dating that a guy said ‘no’ to me. It wasn’t me calling things off, it was him. Hmm.
I met up with Gary at a cafe in the city. Within 10 minutes of meeting, we were both laughing so much that tears were falling and I couldn’t breathe. I had SO MUCH FUN on that date. I felt like I had known Gary for years and instantly felt at ease with him. He was attractive, but I felt more of a kinship with him and he seemed to feel the same, so we shook hands on being ‘the best of friends’ and have been ever since. That was 10 years ago and to this day, Gary still makes me laugh more than anyone else can. I love him so much, he’s one of my closest friends. I trusted Gary. It came so easily. I actually messaged him once to please come over and just sleep with me – literally SLEEP. I was missing having my husband in bed with me and just needed someone I trusted to hold me while I slept – NO SEX. Gary agreed right away, bless him. I don’t think we actually went through with it (Patrick found out and was oddly protective over me, saying we slept together already, this time he’d just stay and hold me rather than leaving after we’d had sex – that was absolutely fine with me) but it was nice being able to feel safe enough to ask Gary. I liked him so much. I always have and always will.
I never met him, but to be honest, Matt was my favourite guy out of all the guys I was seeing/talking to. I was falling for him before I’d even met him. I went to Matt for advice with everything going on in my life and he always offered sound reasoning. He looked handsome in his profile pic – white skin, tall, blue eyes, brown hair and a friendly smile. I liked him so much. For some reason, no dates/times ever suited us so we could never meet up in person, but I always found comfort in Matt’s messages. When I messaged him about asking Gary to sleep with me, Matt laughed. He said “If Gary’s worth his salt, he’ll try it on with you, Janet” and I don’t know why, but I found that really sweet and a turn on…that Matt thought I was too sexy to just sleep with. I really liked that he said that and I like the way he said it, too “if this guy is worth his salt…” I looked it up online and in the olden days, a person was measured their worth by the amount of salt they were able to buy/sell. Interesting.
Mike ended up deciding that yes, he did want to move our relationship to the next level so we started to date properly. I remember the thrill of calling him “my boyfriend”. I thought it was going to be really tough telling Patrick about Mike and I taking things seriously but Patrick was really good about it “Good for you, J! That’s awesome, homie!” Patrick was genuinely happy for me and went off to find a girl he ended up settling down with. They now have 2 gorgeous children, a little girl and a little boy. I’m so pleased for him. We’re still good friends to this day.
4 dates later (including a sleepover with a lot of great – but fast – sex multiple times), Mike was tearfully breaking up with me. He still had feelings for his ex and she wanted him back. I remember exactly where and when that happened…in mid-winter on a wooden park bench in front of the WA Museum. I think of Mike whenever I see those benches, you know. I will never forget him.
I had “a thing” going with another Irish guy anyway – blonde haired and blue-eyed Phelim. He was training to be a professional boxer and his manliness bowled me over…I’d never seen a guy in such peak physical condition before – muscles everywhere – and Phelim seemed so…raw. That hint of danger that turns me on – especially when mixed in with someone who seemed to be a really good guy. We “talked” a lot on MSN messenger and on the phone a few times. Phelim drank a lot (maybe it’s a UK thing?) and would call me whenever he was drunk, begging to see me. One night, he almost convinced me to meet him at the Hotel he was staying in. He was booked in for a fight that week and wanted to see me. I almost gave in, his pleas were melting me but the thought of a hotel room with a stranger just didn’t seem safe enough to me, so I didn’t go.
Phelim and I are still good friends to this day. He moved on and has a young boy now who idolises him and wants to be a fighter now, too. I stil get the odd ‘flirty’ message from him but we are both in happy relationships so nothing goes beyond that and I appreciate that.
Then I met Alun and everything changed 🙂 Now we’ve been together 10 years and married for 8 and couldn’t be happier, really.
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