Not ready

My Mom flies in on Saturday and I’ve spent the week swinging from glad to see her dear face after 3 long years apart, to high-grade terror at what Mom’s return is symbolic of.

I’m dreading the financial pressure that will now be face to face rather than behind the relative safety of different continents. I used to be able to “control” responding to Mom’s many requests by merely turning off my phone so I could catch my breath.

I can’t do that in person.

How much harder is this (and by “this” I mean life itself) going to be?

Mom will be 100% reliant on…me. Alun too – and to be fair (and this is difficult for me to admit because of it’s painful history), Jay and Kate have stepped up. They paid for Mom’s flight home and she’ll be initially staying with them until our home is ready.

I don’t think our tiny cottage will ever be ready, to be completely honest with you.

That weighs heavily on me. Probably on Alun, too.

This means I’ll have to face my Dad’s death, too.

I DO NOT WANT TO SEE MY DAD’S ASHES.

IT WILL KILL ME.

I can’t let you go, Daddy. I can’t bear to “see you” like that. Not now.

Not ever.

How am I supposed to deal with this? I ask literally on a practical plain. How do I physically cope with seeing once and for all that my Dad is gone?

How, Lord?

Grief isn’t politely knocking any more.

Grief has followed Troy’s darkened footsteps and has mounted my barriers of safety and protection and is now pounding on the door of my heart.

Let. Me. In.

I’m scared.

I’m hurting.

I’m grieving – at last I’m actually grieving and oh my God it is painful.

I’m not coping.

I’m drowning.

I’m angry. Upset. Frightened.

I’m deeply disturbed and in so much distress about how best to help my Mom, how to protect Alun from the sharp edges of being part of the Daniels family, and finally how to somehow try to reach my younger sibling when he absolutely does not give a shit whether I am alive or not.

I have until Saturday.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

9 responses to “Not ready”

  1. Truly wishing that everything turns out better than expected. It’s so hard.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Shanti. At this point all I can do is keep moving forward. As my friend Lynelle says “forwards is the only way through”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. hey… look at it this way… the death has happened and nothing can be as painful as finding out about it. Even though their memory sometimes eats at you as raw as the pain of finding out, the worst has happened already and you lived. i hope that makes sense. Stay strong and breath through it, Lord knows I lack the strength to stand up for myself when i need to. Good Luck Jane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true. In so many ways, the *worst* of my Dad’s unexpected passing has come and gone. My struggle is that it happened overseas a year ago so I’ve never really had to face it. Ignorance really IS bliss sometimes.

      Like

      1. I understand. My mom passed away 3 years ago, on mother’s day, a Sunday and we buried her on the following Saturday. When the hospital called, I lost my mind a bit. By Friday, i was so numb and conditioned my mind that everything that was to happen was just procedure and that she’s gone already. i haven’t been to her grave since the, not because I’m numb, but because I will want to die when I go there. Death is a thief and a coward. Her arrival is be a reminder that he is no more but guess what, you already know. All the best xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m so sorry for your loss 😭 you must miss your Mom terribly. I can understand why you haven’t been to her grave and I’m sending you lots of love ❤️

          Liked by 1 person

          1. xoxo I’m sending lots of love and strength.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope that things are easier – sometimes we worry ahead of time and become so overwhelmed with emotion, perhaps when it comes time it won’t be as difficult. Wishing you all the best ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for commenting with so much kindness 💗 I really appreciate it. I think a combination of working long hours, not resting and a lower dosage of antidepressants are contributing to how I’m feeling. I pray you’re right and that it won’t be as awful as I imagine. It can’t get any worse, so there’s that.

      Liked by 1 person

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