Every little step

Food is my obsession

I think about it all the time

Like a gun barrel held to my temple

I am hostage to it’s demands

But if I eat it

I’ll be ugly

Cast out

Unwanted

Fat

The worst word in my world

So I empty it into a bin

Crying as it slips into the folds of rubbish

Because I’m so fucking hungry

But sometimes I win

Sometimes I eat

My brain fog clears just a little

I start to think – just for that second

That maybe it doesn’t have to be this way

So for every battle won…every bite a victory…

I write it down

I record every morsel

I rejoice on unseen mountain tops

Little wins

Little steps

With my big heart

I will keep moving forward

I’ll keep failing, I know that

But I’ll keep trying again, too

And every time I win

I’ll write it on a scroll

A little scroll…a dinner roll

A baby step forward

A victory

A melody of determination

Step…by…step

Until one day I will defeat what holds me down

I’ll rise above this

I won’t let you win, food

You will be my bitch

Just you wait.

Written with all my love for my favourite rower in the world, K xx

7 responses to “Every little step”

    1. Oh Shanti…my heart goes out to you, lovely girl. I didn’t know you could relate to this and I’m sad you’re struggling too 😔 can I do anything to help you? I’d love to help. Sending you big hugs 🫂 xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Been using food as a comfort since I was a child. I love it so much. If only healthy food could be as comforting as things like cake or bread 😆 yeah really understand your struggle.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Food is my go-to for every reason. Stressed = eat comfort food. Happy = celebrate with cake. Lonely = order takeout. The weight piles on and I get more and more disgusted with my appearance. I so relate to you wishing healthy food was as comforting but unfortunately I don’t daydream of salad on the bus home from a long day of work and an apple doesn’t do it for me when I feel like celebrating an accomplishment. Boooooo 😭

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The only time I’m not craving is when I first wake up and those few hours. Once I start eating though it’s all over….massive cravings the rest of the day. I’m trying intermittent fasting now but I really need to distract myself for it to work. I fall off the bandwagon more times than I can count.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. The important thing is that you try, Shanti! You are overcoming so much by taking the 1st step and trying to curb your cravings. I am sooo proud of you!!! Never give up. I know you can do this xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      5. This blog is from the perspective of a beautiful girl starving herself though. I wrote it for my friend who is a warrior battling her eating disorder day by day. I’m not struggling with starvation…I’m too much the other end.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: