For about 100 different reasons, I’ve still not changed my surname so legally, I’m still Mrs Hill.
In my heart and in my life, I’m married to ALUN now, so really…I’m actually the next Mrs Thomas. Go figure.
But today’s blog goes out to Jon’s new wife…the next Mrs Hill.
Firstly, you’ll love being part of the Hill family. They have a special way of making you feel welcome and wanted, no matter what. Colin is going to be a source of wisdom and strength as your Father in law and Joan…Joan is next level when it comes to being loved. Joan is kindness and grace personified and you could search the world and not find a more loving, sweet, thoughtful, gentle Mother in law. I envy you having Colin and Joan in your life, they are treasures.
Jon’s sisters are like fire and ice. They’re both strong, opinionated, smart, fierce women and they will probably love you because you love their brother. Joanne is a mini version of Joan but is likely to be more straightforward, more blunt and less gentle than her Mom. Jayne was only a young girl when I became part of the family so I only experienced her thoughtful gifts, her talent as a dancer, her teenage emotional outburts, raucous laughter (it’s brilliant), then judgement and rage when she found out I was leaving her brother. I don’t think you’ll see that side of her as you’re meeting an older, wiser, Mom-now version of Jayne. I think you guys probably get along well.
What I really wanted to write to you about…is Jon.
Right now, you’re experiencing the “golden glow” of being Jon’s new obsession. It’s heady and exciting, I know. You’ll be enjoying being showered with thoughtful gifts, amazing holidays and the promise of a whole life ahead filled with roses, ribbons and rainbows.
That’s all great…but today’s blog is for when it runs dry…because I highly suspect it will.
So here is my advice:
Keep your family and friends close. Your friends especially will be a sweet reminder of who you were before becoming a Hill and who you can always be. So hold them close to your heart and see them as much as you can – away from Jon. Don’t let mounting Church engagements creep in so that you slowly go from seeing your friends all the time, to always being at Church.
Have separate bank accounts if you can. Have money set aside that’s yours and yours alone. I get it if you want a shared account…very romantic and I’m all for sharing and togetherness…but please…please have money of your very own during your marriage. It’s important.
Try your best to not be entirely consumed by Church life. Before you know it, 2 nights a week at Church easily becomes SEVEN and if you’re anything like me and find it hard to say “no”, especially when it comes to your husband, then it’s a slippery slope…being the wife of a Youth Pastor.
Have things set in place that are non negotiable – things like time alone with your family, dates with your friends and time for you to enjoy your hobbies – apart from Jon if you can.
You’re in Jon’s life so he must have made some positive changes in his life to have made time to date you. That’s a good sign.
The main thing I wanted to address was why I asked Jon for a divorce. He wasn’t having sex with me. For 7 years.
I took his refusals personally because there isn’t anything more personal than being turned down for sex, is there?
This is heartbreaking for me to write about.
I’m hoping (this is so weird!!!) that you two are having sex. I really am – because it means you won’t go through the shame, grief and profound loneliness that I did.
But ultimately that’s why this blog is here.
In case Jon starts (?) to turn you away in the bedroom. Because I truly believe it will happen. Jon didn’t have any sex drive at all when I was with him and is single-minded in running the Youth and directing movies. Once the glow of newly wedded bliss dies down, it’s going to get real really quickly. You’re going to be relegated to number 2.
If you do get relegated, this is what I need you to know:
It’s not your fault.
There isn’t anything you can do (trust me, I’ve tried) to change it.
You’re not alone.
You can and will figure a way through this; this is where having strong ties with your friends and family come in…turn to them and talk to them about what you’re going through. You don’t have to feel ashamed. You don’t have to keep it secret. It’s ok to talk to people you love and trust, it’s actually imperative.
God willing, you can be the one to break that chain and make that difference in Jon’s life. I’m holding hope that because of you Jon will end up having a family of his own and that you will be the reason he lets his obsession with Youth Leading/Film producing go…so that he can put you and your children first. Not the Youth.
Obviously you’re never going to see this post, but I needed to write it anyway.
From the original Mrs Hill to you…the next one…I wish you luck. I wish you health, hope, happiness and sex. Lots of it. I really do.