"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I saw a girl on YouTube plug a new app “Aura” on her channel, saying it was amazing for meditation and starting her day off happily.

I’m all for that, so I downloaded “Aura” onto my phone, too. It’s pretty cool and looks very pretty. I signed up for the 7-day free trial and will probably cancel subscription before it starts charging me. I just hope I remember! Haha.

The first meditation I did asked straight off the bat for me to “think of the last time you were genuinely happy”

For me? Honestly? It was 6 years ago when I had lost 10 kilos, was going to the gym every day and to Yoga twice a week. I feel like I have to earn happiness and in my eyes, I’m not allowed to be happy – truly happy – unless I fit into size 12 jeans. Bare minimum. Size 10 or even 8 would be better. I’d definitely feel happier then.

And that thought – or that…acknowledgement…was really jarring.

So I’ve been unhappy for 6 years? Because I’ve been fat for 6 years!

“Was the last time you were happy just the other day?” the meditation continued “Was it yesterday?” “Were you laughing with someone you loved or doing something that made you feel really good?”

And right there – an image of Alun laughing with me in bed the other night flashed up. Recalling his wide-ribbon mouth as he laughed and his long, thick, dark lashes…it made me smile. I love the sound of my husband’s laugh. It’s like the tinkling of silver bells. Alun’s laugh is one of the best sounds in the whole world and his handsome face all lit up because he’s laughing…oh my heart…it’s wonderful.

I don’t think a single day goes by where Alun and I don’t laugh together.

We have about 100 ‘in jokes’ between just the two of us and we find the same things funny so it’s not long before we are both crying laughing and holding our tummies.

So, I think in the last 6 years, I’ve been blessed to have a lot of little happy ‘pockets’ in time. Alun is responsible for a lot of them. My friends responsible for the others.

Since I lost my Dad…happiness has been difficult to accept into my life. I feel so guilty for laughing and a voice inside reminds “Your Dad is dead. Stop that” every time I happen to allow myself to find something funny.

It’s a struggle. A strange struggle I didn’t realise until just lately that is so tied up in my weight!!!

Woah.

I need to lose weight so I can smile again.