"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

First, it was a sore shoulder. It hurt so much having a trapped nerve right under my left shoulder blade. Physio appointments were helpful (praise God) and over that week, the nerve got released and the pain lessened. As it did, though – seratonin syndrome (withdrawals from anti-depressants) began.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

That was HELL. Truly.

I hated how my body – and especially my brain – were SCREAMING OUT for a drug I’d stopped providing. To have my own body turn against me is a fresh HELL I don’t ever want to have to go through again. EVER.

I managed to drag myself (literally) to work for 3 days and every hour felt like it took a day to pass. 3 days was all I could do…then home where I slept most of the weekend – getting up for something to eat in the afternoon and then back to sleep for the rest of the day and fitfully through the night.

I knew I wasn’t in the right ‘space’ physically on Monday morning but I went to work…I forced myself to try – the weight of looking after my Mom on my mind and heart even as I knew my body was aching terribly. 3 hours later and I had to go home. I was just so unwell.

Then I spent a week at home unwell. Just in so much pain. So many aches and pains in my body, so many stomach cramps whenever I attemtped to eat anything and so much pooping straight after if I did manage to keep anything down. Horrible headaches that hurt behind my eyes and across my forehead. So many days of laying in bed with tears falling down my cheeks as I stared at the ceiling wondering when it would stop.

It.

Needs.

To.

STOP.

Please Lord, even for a minute – so I can catch my breath.

It’s only been 3 weeks of illness but I am already starting to forget what it’s like to be able to go outside on my own, let alone travel to work un-assisted. I can’t believe I used to be able to do that – get myself to work, work all day, maybe even meet with a friend or pop to the shops after work – and then go home to tidy and prepare for the next full day.

I can’t believe I was so capable.

Because now? Now I;m in so much pain all the time and my stomach hurts.

My chest aches.

Everything hurts.

On my last legs, I saw a Doctor this afternoon who said I had a chest infection of all things. I don’t know why, but his diagnosis brought me so much relief. I’m not going crazy. I am actually really sick – here’s someone validating my suffering.

The Doctor confirming that I should indeed stay home…it allowed me to exhale. Just a little.

I’m praying I will feel better. I can’t remember what it’s like to wake up and feel rested. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel STRONG.