Addicted to fatty, salty, sugary food.

Addicted to fatty, salty, sugary food.

I’ve spent most of my life being an acceptable size, you know. I think I’ve been pretty blessed. I’m short so at 5’2, weight of ANY kind is immediately noticeable. I’ve grown up taking clothes shopping for granted, automatically reaching for a size 10 and knowing it will fit. And it always did, no question.

Then I hit 21 and went to a Psych ward in a Private Hospital for months. I was in there with girls the same age, but they weren’t in hospital for depression, they were in there for eating disorders. So I learnt a lot about starving myself, filling up with water and losing weight quickly. I liked the way my hip bones protruded from my low-slung jeans. I like the way boy’s heads turned as they passed me. I liked the nudge they gave each other with their eyebrows raised. I liked my suddenly sharp cheekbones. They made my eyes stand out more. I liked that a lot.

I liked the guys at Youth Group commenting “Ooft. Looking good, Janet” when I was finally out of hospital and at a very waif-like 45kgs. I liked being looked at. Desired.

Then my weight went back up to about 50-55kgs. Still very healthy, but no protruding bones. Less compliments. No head-turning. I was okay with that.

I got married to Jon at 25 years old and let myself go. My weight went up to 62kgs. I was struggling to fit into size 14 clothing which I had never had to consider before. I hated it.

In the last year of our so-called marriage, I went to the gym and was restricted to what I could eat by my quickly dwindling finances – so I lost weight and was so proud to weigh myself at a healthy and happy 52kgs at the end of that marriage.

SO good.

I was again the head-turner. The one receiving wolf-whistles and guys asking for my number – even in grocery stores. I enjoyed seeing men want me. I see you, you thirsty lad. I get it, I’d want me, too. Lol.

I married Alun at 35 years old. I had to lose weight for the wedding but was still pretty overweight at 67kgs. I felt a lot healthier though for losing a few kilos and enjoyed our wedding day.

And now? Now my weight has ballooned to 85kgs. I am a HUGE size 16 and basically ROUND. I have no waist to speak of. I am an orange on bubbly legs. This is the biggest I’ve ever been. The most I’ve ever weighed in my life. This is so uncomfortable and I’m so ashamed.

I hate the sight of myself, I really do.

And food?!? OMG I am obsessed with it. I think about fatty, salty, fried, sugary food ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I wake up “Hmm…what can I have for breakfast?” I eat breakfast “What else can I have?” I ‘snack’ until lunchtime and with greed, I wonder what I can have then…fried chicken, ribs in sticky bbq sauce, burgers from Maccas…all followed of course with dessert – tonnes of icecream and chocolate. Then I obsess about what I can have for dinner.

With every cheeseburger or entire block of chocolate I say firmly to myself “just this…and then no more, JD“…but I never stop.

Just one more naughty meal and then I’ll go on a diet” I tell myself…knowing fully well I won’t stop.

I can’t. I don’t know how anymore.

I literally can’t go on like this, guys.

I used to think I had a power over what I ate – that I was in control.

It’s taken me about 10 years of being hugely overweight to admit – I’m addicted. I’m out of control.

I need help.

I need to stop.

To drug addicts, alcoholics and people struggling with eating disorders…I feel you. I know what is like to be held hostage by something you know is literally killing you and yet you can’t let go. I am in the same boat and it is rocky AF because I don’t think it can sustain my weight much longer.

Father God, please help me. Please help me to stop eating such bad foods. I hate being so out of breath all the time. I hate wheezing as I walk and snoring loudly every night. I hate that a short walk has my head spinning and the blood rushing in my ears. Please, please help me to make better choices and to lose some weight. I can’t keep looking at myself in this awful state.

Please help me.

8 responses to “Addicted to fatty, salty, sugary food.”

    • Same…I was going through trauma and found unhealthy food comforting so I ate a lot of it “just for now” and it’s spiralled out of control. I’m sending you lots of love and hope you are not having to battle with unhealthy food now xx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Me too! Ugh! If meal choices are your issue, what about those diets that tell you exactly what to eat? I did several Beachbody workouts and they came with the recipes. The American Diabetes Association also has a lot of resources for people like us who love sugary foods, as well as, the American heart association. I don’t know if would be helpful but for me at least. I need someone to tell me, “today you will buy these things at the store, you will prepare your meals this way, and you will eat this Monday, that Tuesday etc. I like lists I can check off.

    Liked by 1 person

    • These are such great ideas, thank you for wanting to help, it means a lot. I’ve tried similar meal programs here in Australia and end up paying a fortune for a week’s worth of “weight watchers” meals, intending to eat them…but inevitably throwing them out and ordering take out. It ends up being sooo costly as I don’t have the discipline to eat what I’m “told” to. I’m so out of control that not even planned, strategic meals can help me 😭

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally relate. I think food addiction is worse because with drugs and alcohol, there are rehabs or you can avoid buying them ( with help perhaps) but with food, YOU STILL NEED TO EAT! I relapse with every meal!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right? Food. We can’t really rule it out. But I guess if someone is addicted to cocaine for instance – they probably feel they can’t live without it either…so…I hope you and I can both find the strength and determination to stick to a healthy diet – at least for in the week! Sending you a big hug. You can do this!

      Like

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