"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’ve spent most of my life being an acceptable size, you know. I think I’ve been pretty blessed. I’m short so at 5’2, weight of ANY kind is immediately noticeable. I’ve grown up taking clothes shopping for granted, automatically reaching for a size 10 and knowing it will fit. And it always did, no question.

Then I hit 21 and went to a Psych ward in a Private Hospital for months. I was in there with girls the same age, but they weren’t in hospital for depression, they were in there for eating disorders. So I learnt a lot about starving myself, filling up with water and losing weight quickly. I liked the way my hip bones protruded from my low-slung jeans. I like the way boy’s heads turned as they passed me. I liked the nudge they gave each other with their eyebrows raised. I liked my suddenly sharp cheekbones. They made my eyes stand out more. I liked that a lot.

I liked the guys at Youth Group commenting “Ooft. Looking good, Janet” when I was finally out of hospital and at a very waif-like 45kgs. I liked being looked at. Desired.

Then my weight went back up to about 50-55kgs. Still very healthy, but no protruding bones. Less compliments. No head-turning. I was okay with that.

I got married to Jon at 25 years old and let myself go. My weight went up to 62kgs. I was struggling to fit into size 14 clothing which I had never had to consider before. I hated it.

In the last year of our so-called marriage, I went to the gym and was restricted to what I could eat by my quickly dwindling finances – so I lost weight and was so proud to weigh myself at a healthy and happy 52kgs at the end of that marriage.

SO good.

I was again the head-turner. The one receiving wolf-whistles and guys asking for my number – even in grocery stores. I enjoyed seeing men want me. I see you, you thirsty lad. I get it, I’d want me, too. Lol.

I married Alun at 35 years old. I had to lose weight for the wedding but was still pretty overweight at 67kgs. I felt a lot healthier though for losing a few kilos and enjoyed our wedding day.

And now? Now my weight has ballooned to 85kgs. I am a HUGE size 16 and basically ROUND. I have no waist to speak of. I am an orange on bubbly legs. This is the biggest I’ve ever been. The most I’ve ever weighed in my life. This is so uncomfortable and I’m so ashamed.

I hate the sight of myself, I really do.

And food?!? OMG I am obsessed with it. I think about fatty, salty, fried, sugary food ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I wake up “Hmm…what can I have for breakfast?” I eat breakfast “What else can I have?” I ‘snack’ until lunchtime and with greed, I wonder what I can have then…fried chicken, ribs in sticky bbq sauce, burgers from Maccas…all followed of course with dessert – tonnes of icecream and chocolate. Then I obsess about what I can have for dinner.

With every cheeseburger or entire block of chocolate I say firmly to myself “just this…and then no more, JD“…but I never stop.

“Just one more naughty meal and then I’ll go on a diet” I tell myself…knowing fully well I won’t stop.

I can’t. I don’t know how anymore.

I literally can’t go on like this, guys.

I used to think I had a power over what I ate – that I was in control.

It’s taken me about 10 years of being hugely overweight to admit – I’m addicted. I’m out of control.

I need help.

I need to stop.

To drug addicts, alcoholics and people struggling with eating disorders…I feel you. I know what is like to be held hostage by something you know is literally killing you and yet you can’t let go. I am in the same boat and it is rocky AF because I don’t think it can sustain my weight much longer.

Father God, please help me. Please help me to stop eating such bad foods. I hate being so out of breath all the time. I hate wheezing as I walk and snoring loudly every night. I hate that a short walk has my head spinning and the blood rushing in my ears. Please, please help me to make better choices and to lose some weight. I can’t keep looking at myself in this awful state.

Please help me.