Because of how I’ve grown up – being ignored for the most part, I’ve learnt to compare myself instantly to everyone around me. I find myself lacking pretty much every single time.
“That girl is prettier than I am” (I think that of nearly every girl I see)
“That guy is so much more talented than I am” (every person I see on tv singing for judges and wowing the audience)
“That person is better on reception than I am” (me whenever I wait in reception and compare that receptionist to how I would have done it in her place)
“I will probably lose this job because ANYONE ELSE can do this so much better than me” (Me on every single temp assignment I’m sent on, for the love of God)
…And on and on it goes.
So when it comes to feeling proud of something I do, it’s rare…but these are the things I have slowly (it’s taken over 20 years) allowed myself to be proud of:
Working with children
I’m a badass gardener
and lastly, my writing.
^^ those 4 things, I hold close to my heart. I think they are my God-given talents and OMG I love it whenever I am singing, working with kids, planting new seedlings or writing – be it in a journal, on this blog – or in the 2 books I’m currently working on.
When one of my talents was ‘threatened’ just recently by my best friend (absolutely NOT her doing – this is my own f**ked up mind making a mess of something that isn’t even there), I found it really challenging not to be jealous.
Because my best friend in the whole wide world – has come out of the shadows with AN INCREDIBLE first chapter of a crime novel. It is AMAZING. Of course, being best friends, we’re very close and I’ve been aware of Becci’s talent in writing but I think because she doesn’t share it much (or I haven’t paid much attention? It’s probably me avoiding it to be honest), I haven’t had to worry.
NOW I AM WORRIED.
I read over every word of her chapter with my mouth open. It was not only eloquent, exciting, well-written and thought-provoking; it also left me as a reader hungry for more. When I read her chapter, I wanted to read another!!! That is the sign of a talented, exceptional writer, right there. And Becci had it all.
Instantly I was upset.
Writing is my thing!
Instant regret and shame – they are my go-to in every situation.
JD you idiot. You should have known your writing isn’t any good. Of course Becci’s chapter is going to better than anything you’ve ever written in your life. OF COURSE.
*Flashbacks of every time my parents have favoured my brother over me*
I anxiously stared the cursor flashing in the chat Becci and I were in.
“What did you think?” she asked.
I think it was the most awesome thing I’ve read in my life.
Because I know Becci loves me, I can be 100% honest with her.
I watched in horror as my fingers typed out “I hate you” and pressed send.
OMG JD WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?
JD FIX THIS. FIX THIS NOW!!!
“I’m so jealous” I admitted “Your chapter is incredible”
Becci and I chatted for ages that morning, her – doubting her amazing ability, me – fighting with wanting to burn it down while simultaneously waving it around with pride for all the world to see.
The 2 sides of me at war – 1 side jealous, angry and feeling threatened while the other side was sooo proud of Becci and wanted to fly across the world to see and hug her in delight.
My best friend can write, you guys. She really can.
What to do?
It took “a minute” but I reminded myself of what was TRUE in the situation:
Becci is my best friend, she isn’t writing to hurt me – this is something she is talented in, too.
I’m not less of a writer, we excel in different genres.
I don’t need to be scared.
What I need is to be a good friend to my best friend who is always there for me. Becci cares for me, supports me, lifts me up, encourages me and is one of the best people I know.
So this is me, giving a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my not only beautiful but TALENTED Bestie on her upcoming new novel.
You are a supernova, Becci. I’m so freaking PROUD of you and I’m hanging out hungrily to read that next chapter. You’d better send it to me, lol! I need to know what happens!
Write, my girl. Shine bright.
I love you.
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