Jealousy between friends

Because of how I’ve grown up – being ignored for the most part, I’ve learnt to compare myself instantly to everyone around me. I find myself lacking pretty much every single time.

“That girl is prettier than I am” (I think that of nearly every girl I see)

“That guy is so much more talented than I am” (every person I see on tv singing for judges and wowing the audience)

“That person is better on reception than I am” (me whenever I wait in reception and compare that receptionist to how I would have done it in her place)

“I will probably lose this job because ANYONE ELSE can do this so much better than me” (Me on every single temp assignment I’m sent on, for the love of God)

…And on and on it goes.

So when it comes to feeling proud of something I do, it’s rare…but these are the things I have slowly (it’s taken over 20 years) allowed myself to be proud of:

My singing

Working with children

I’m a badass gardener

and lastly, my writing.

^^ those 4 things, I hold close to my heart. I think they are my God-given talents and OMG I love it whenever I am singing, working with kids, planting new seedlings or writing – be it in a journal, on this blog – or in the 2 books I’m currently working on.

So.

When one of my talents was ‘threatened’ just recently by my best friend (absolutely NOT her doing – this is my own f**ked up mind making a mess of something that isn’t even there), I found it really challenging not to be jealous.

Because my best friend in the whole wide world – has come out of the shadows with AN INCREDIBLE first chapter of a crime novel. It is AMAZING. Of course, being best friends, we’re very close and I’ve been aware of Becci’s talent in writing but I think because she doesn’t share it much (or I haven’t paid much attention? It’s probably me avoiding it to be honest), I haven’t had to worry.

NOW I AM WORRIED.

I read over every word of her chapter with my mouth open. It was not only eloquent, exciting, well-written and thought-provoking; it also left me as a reader hungry for more. When I read her chapter, I wanted to read another!!! That is the sign of a talented, exceptional writer, right there. And Becci had it all.

Instantly I was upset.

Writing is my thing!

Instant regret and shame – they are my go-to in every situation.

JD you idiot. You should have known your writing isn’t any good. Of course Becci’s chapter is going to better than anything you’ve ever written in your life. OF COURSE.

*Flashbacks of every time my parents have favoured my brother over me*

*anxiety attacks*

*heartache*

I anxiously stared the cursor flashing in the chat Becci and I were in.

“What did you think?” she asked.

I think it was the most awesome thing I’ve read in my life.

Because I know Becci loves me, I can be 100% honest with her.

I watched in horror as my fingers typed out “I hate you” and pressed send.

OMG JD WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?

JD FIX THIS. FIX THIS NOW!!!

“I’m so jealous” I admitted “Your chapter is incredible”

Becci and I chatted for ages that morning, her – doubting her amazing ability, me – fighting with wanting to burn it down while simultaneously waving it around with pride for all the world to see.

The 2 sides of me at war – 1 side jealous, angry and feeling threatened while the other side was sooo proud of Becci and wanted to fly across the world to see and hug her in delight.

My best friend can write, you guys. She really can.

What to do?

It took “a minute” but I reminded myself of what was TRUE in the situation:

Becci is my best friend, she isn’t writing to hurt me – this is something she is talented in, too.

TOO.

I’m not less of a writer, we excel in different genres.

I don’t need to be scared.

What I need is to be a good friend to my best friend who is always there for me. Becci cares for me, supports me, lifts me up, encourages me and is one of the best people I know.

So this is me, giving a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my not only beautiful but TALENTED Bestie on her upcoming new novel.

You are a supernova, Becci. I’m so freaking PROUD of you and I’m hanging out hungrily to read that next chapter. You’d better send it to me, lol! I need to know what happens!

God gave me the strongest person ever to be my best friend. I’m so proud šŸ‘

Write, my girl. Shine bright.

I love you.

14 responses to “Jealousy between friends”

  1. I love this, it is so familiar. Feeling someone came into your area. But you don’t lose it. You share it because the area is big enough. Congratulations to Becci.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Alice…you are an answer to prayer right now. I asked God for guidance on how to deal with jealousy as I know it can tear apart relationships. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I love that you’ve reminded me ‘the area is big enough for sharing’, I really needed that. Big hugs xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Just look at the publishing world and how it has changed from the 50s. A writer need not have a physical book on shelves. We have audible, ereaders, blogs, online magazines, vlogs, collective websites, and we have not touched on social media yet where you can have a page or a chat group. Someone once asked me if I wasn’t jealous that I am not the only cold case blogger anymore. Back in the day, there were few online. I said no, because there are so many cold cases worldwide that one person cannot cover them all. You cannot even cover just one country, there are too many. Most areas are big enough, some are indeed a niche but then the key is to remain authentic. To keep your own unique voice. And I am certain you can do that! Huge bear hugs, my friend!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Cold cases are so fascinating!!! I’ll have to find your cases and read/listen to them, I love crime!!! YASS ALICE!!! Work it, woman. No one will have the ‘voice’ you do when you reserach and discuss your cases. So excited for you!

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Wooohoooo! Guess what I’ll be doing on my day off tomorrow? Thank you, Alice!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey Janet, I enjoyed reading this as so much of what you have here is very familiar. Congrats on recognizing the feelings and emotions that you had and providing space for them to exist long enough to process and then tell yourself a different, healthier story. The feelings are real and they happen. We should not have to pretend that they do not exist. How we arrived at this point in our mental processes can not be changed. But what can be altered is how we process. Thank you for sharing your process so openly.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Tommy, your comment is so eloquent and so lovely. I hope you have a blog too so I can read it and encourage you the way you’ve blessed and encouraged me.

      It’s sooo important that we monitor our own tendencies for toxic behaviour (jealousy, being mouthy and comparison for me) and try to understand what is really behind those feelings and a positive way to express them when possible.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Janet, thank you for asking. Your comments during Bloganuary were inspiring. It took me a while to get out of my own way, and head space, but here is the link to my Blog.

        Blog

        It is on my leadership development page and is intended to be about life and leadership and the healthy blending of the two. I just began posting recently. Your comments will be greatly appreciated from another blogger. Your recognition of your “toxic” tendencies is impressive and whether they are self-harming, or harmful to others, it is evidence of a person who has an elevated sense of self-awareness.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Your honesty is astounding & which Is why your from the heart blog has me hooked. Iā€™m excited each time I see a new post in my WordPress feed. ā¤ļø

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aww Shanti, you always manage to make me smile. Thank you so much xx

      Liked by 2 people

  4. wish you the best and good luck

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you šŸ˜Š you’re so sweet to comment xx

      Liked by 1 person

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