"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

A talented artist Stan Walker sings a song I LOVE called “Black Box” where in the chorus he sings “There’s a little black box yeah, somewhere in the ocean…holding all the truth about us…there’s a little black box, a record of emotion…everything there ever was…”

(** Black boxes are anti-breakable boxes on planes that record everything happening on a plane and are often used to find out what lead to a crash afterwards **)

I think about the lyrics of that song a lot in terms of past relationships and what really happened in them. In my past marriage with Jon, it was a fairytale built on a foundation of fragile, shallow roots – so when the first big storm blew through our marriage, it fell completely apart. The gilded castle fell into a heap of heart breaking, crumbling ruin. Bam. *clicks fingers* Just like that.

Relationships are complicated. Theyre multi-layered, deep, really freaking painful…and in some cases…pretty controversial…

…like the trial on the relationship between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. People all over the world are getting super invested in it, and are getting really wound up about the things that are coming to the surface – domestic violence, drug abuse, mental illness, toxicity of all kinds…it’s a hot mess from what I’ve heard…hitting, fighting, glass bottles, poo in beds (!!!) Finger tips chopped off (what?!?)…oh Lord!

The Depp/Heard Trial’s touched a lot of raw/sensitive parts in people’s lives, and they’re responding super passionately about the trial, even though it’s about 2 famous people they don’t know.

My friend “Viv” has suffered badly with Domestic violence so is greatly in support of “team Amber”. So much so, we were bordering on getting into a fight about it yesterday and praise God, I was able to step back, surrender and just say “You have every right to feel the way you feel about that, Viv” and let it go. (Thank you, God). Another friend “T” feels that Johnny Depp got jipped very badly and deserves a lot better. People seem to be passionate about taking one side or another, there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.

There’s definitely a lot of finger pointing and blame. I don’t know if either side has accepted responsibility for anything they did yet – it’s all the other person’s fault.

That’s where a black box would come in handy, huh?

What I wanted to write about today was the effect of relationships when other people weigh in on them – often without being asked. When “Ethel” had a go at my marriage to my ex husband and spoke to things in our marriage she had no bloody idea about, it made me see RED. I found out that I’m still hurting from that relationship and am super sensitive about people who aren’t directly involved chipping in on it. I wanted to scream at Ethel to mind her OWN DAMN BUSINESS sooo many times in our interactions with each other.

UNLESS YOU’RE IN THE RELATIONSHIP…SHUT YOUR STUPID, SELF RIGHTEOUS MOUTH.

ETHEL.

Lol.

I think every relationship has a “little black box” that records the truth about a relationship. I think in every relationship only the people in it know what happened and are the only people with a right to speak into things that happened.

For my part, I’m overly emotional. I’m impulsive. I’m terrible with money and added a lot of debt to our marriage. My struggles with mental illness made me incredibly difficult to live with as I cried a lot, I got easily angry at small things and I was impatient and sometimes pretty rude in times where Jon needed a steady person beside him. I ultimately let Jon down by having an overseas affair with an ex boyfriend. I own all of that. I accept responsibility for my faults and I’ve apologised sincerely for them.

Somewhere in the ocean lives a little black box where Jon has failed me, too.

I’d love to listen to it one day.