My thinking isn’t right

Last Monday Alun texted that his friend “Dan” had died. My heart broke for Alun as this is the FORTH friend he’s lost this year. Alun goes through so much pain over and over…I hate that he’s had so many friends die and that I couldn’t protect him or take his heart break away.

Later that day, Alun admitted that Dan had hung himself.

I held Alun tight as that was how he lost his best friend 12 years ago. “Greg” found out his wife was cheating on him. He moved out of his home and stayed with Alun and his parents a few nights. When Greg returned home, he hung himself. Alun has never recovered from it. Ever.

I didn’t understand until I lost my Dad. When you lose someone you love, it is a relentless, never-ending pain. So now, now I understand my husband.

Alun’s friend “Dan” had been suffering badly from cerebal palsy. He had admitted himself to hospital 3 months ago because he felt suicidal; he hated not being able to control his body. Over the past year, Alun has seen his friend lose his independence day by painful day.

I ached for Alun to lose his friend in such a way. My husband wears his big heart on his sleeve and deeply loves his friends ❤️ that’s something I really love about him.

The thing is, when I heard how Dan died, my first – and ongoing (it has played in a loop ever since hearing it) – thought was “I wonder if I can re-use that ladder and rope? I mean…it obviously did a good job”

And that’s how I know I’m not ok because I envy Dan. I applaud his bravery. He took his life into his own hands, made a decision…and stuck with it.

I wish I had the courage to do the same. I really do.

Hearing about people dying hits me like I’m being punched in the guts. But the thought of doing it myself – dying – it lingers.

I can’t put Alun through ANOTHER death and that is the ONLY reason I’m still typing this blog and not taking all the tablets I’ve saved for months to end my own life.

With that said, I’m going to take tomorrow off work. I’m going to sleep. I’m going to go on a long walk, weather/anxiety permitting. I’m going to feed my body some good things, not junk food. I’m going to straighten up the house (it is unusually messy right now, it’s driving me nuts but there’s not been any time (like…at all!) to tidy anything or put anything away. I’m running out of clean underwear and Alun needs more socks. It would be nice to get laundry washed, dried, folded and neatly put away tomorrow. It would be nice to get a few groceries.

I think ONE day off tomorrow will mean I won’t need SIX WEEKS off by the end of this week. It will help to keep me going.

Wish me luck.

2 responses to “My thinking isn’t right”

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