I have a big one.
I’ve lived my life being a careful, gentle speaker. I rejoice in being an encouragement and a source of never-ending kindness paired with genuine compliments and a sunny brighy outlook on life. I am polite. I am usually eloquent. I don’t usually swear.
But now? Now my tongue will take people apart. It will shred someone who has hurt me into millions of pieces. I’m legit a Visceral monster. I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN with words if I feel threatened by someone, especially if that threat is vocal or written because words are my love language…so if you WRITE something awful TO or ABOUT me? Then it’s ON.
I’m pretty ashamed of that.
Now, I swear a lot. I hate that about me. I’m really sorry, Lord Jesus. I’m going to try to stop.
I was thinking about it yesterday and all I could come up with is that the last 2-3 years have badly damaged me 💔 I’ve been through so much heartache and trauma that I’ve wanted to kill myself on many occasions because I couldn’t deal with the pain from it all.
Honestly I am in pieces.
Then my Dad died (!!!) unexpectedly last June so my already bruised heart took a massive beating.
Grief is new to me and to have my first experience be such a great loss…oh, it left me on my knees begging God “No more. Please, no more”
So instead of speaking kind, loving, uplifting words as I usually do…I’ve been getting into trouble A LOT in these last few years by savagely defending myself. I have never STARTED a fight, argument, gossip or anything like that but my God, do I FINISH them. Look out.
I see that in myself as an incredibly TOXIC TRAIT. This isn’t who I am or who I want to be. I don’t want to be rude, hurtful or unkind. I don’t like it, it doesn’t come naturally or easily to me and afterwards I feel like I’ve been through a war and the recovery stretches out before me like a vast desert I have to cross. It looks unattainable to me – Recovery. It looks impossible.
I’ve prayed about it and thought about it a lot and what I think is that there’s a lot of trauma, pain and hurt coming out that I’ve tried to hide or squash deep down for years. In “Ethel’s” case – pain I tried to deny over a decade. When Ethel poked and prodded at that unhealed wound, I hit out ferociously. I barked like a wounded, frightened animal. I was so defensive and scary that it shocked me.
Again…mostly because that’s not who I am.
So I’m trying right now to find a balance. I want to ensure I stand for what I believe in. I want to let everyone know that I’m not to be messed with…but not in an unkind way. I just don’t know how to do it yet. I don’t know how to navigate between being ridiculed, bullied, stomped on, laughed at and badly injured…but to still have kindness and to not swear. Lol.
This is a tough one, Jesus. I don’t know how to to this and could really use Your help.