ERR NO IT ISN’T.
You know who says that about suicide? The people who DON’T understand the abject, painful, ENDLESS SUFFERING that severe mental health decline brings. That’s who.
Anyone who knows that even water droplets from the shower HURT so that it’s hard to take care of yourself and keep yourself clean would never say “suicide is the easy route”. Have you ever hurt so much you feel it in your bones? When you hurt THAT MUCH for SO FUCKING LONG then you want it to stop.
You take your meds.
You pay a FORTUNE for Doctor’s appointments – who just throw more meds at you. Great. Thanks, Doc.
You pay EVEN MORE for psych appointments and therapy. It doesn’t work.
You go on walks, you try to eat well, you try hard (it’s damn near impossible at this stage) to get enough sleep…
You do EVERYTHING you’re “supposed” to do and you know what? NOTHING CHANGES.
THE PAIN!!! THE EXTREME PAIN it DOESN’T STOP! NOT FOR A FUCKING SECOND.
So suicide? It’s an end to that pain.
It’s not an easy choice.
You don’t want to hurt your family or friends. You don’t want to cause them grief…but in my case, you’ve tried to talk to them and THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s not their fault, they try but they just don’t get it. That’s okay.
You are convinced that you are just a huge burden.
I see myself as a huge anchor around my husband’s ankle. When (WHEN!!!) I kill myself, it will be such a relief to Alun, truly. He won’t know how much better off he’ll be until that weight is gone and he stops getting dragged downwards by me. My love, I want to see you break that surface and take your first breath of air in 10 long years of having to put up with me keeping you under. You deserve that.
You deserve sooo much more!!! I want that for you, Alun. You deserve every good and beautiful thing in the world. Not some fat, ugly, acne-covered black woman holding you back from the sun. Not me.
I just can’t keep getting up from every time life knocks me to the ground.
It’s been TWO FUCKING YEARS, guys. I’m not choosing to die on a ‘whim’ and I’m not choosing the easy way out…I just can’t be in this pain for any longer. I hope one day you’ll understand that.
I can’t go through this for another day!!! I JUST CAN’T.