I told my friends I was struggling on Facebook (I’m very dramatic, God bless me) and that I was suicidal. I did it 1) so that if I went through with killing myself, at least the people I love had a heads up and 2) in case anyone else felt suicidal, they’d know they weren’t alone.
I took TWO valiums (I rarely even take 1 and try to just have a nap/go for a walk/paint/scrapbook or listen to music to calm myself down rather than use medication but these last few days have been SO TOUGH) and went to bed. I fell into a fitful sleep right away. I was so exhausted it didn’t take long.
I woke up to 17 text messages and 5 missed calls from worried friends. I am so grateful for their love and so blessed by God to have a circle of people that really love me – even though I feel I am completely unlovable – but I’m too numb to feel the love. I’m too lost to feel the support. I’m a numb little bug just trying to keep going.
All I feel is pain…or NOTHING AT ALL.
I don’t know what’s worse.
I wish I had the courage to kill myself, you know. I wish I was brave enough to actually overdose or hang myself or cut my veins or drown myself. I wish I had the fucking ENERGY required to do it, I really do.
Instead, I’m at work. Doing what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing and making money so I can keep my Mom and 14 other relatives alive, fed, clothed, sheltered and whole.
I’ve lived my whole life doing what a good girl SHOULD.
I’m sick of it.
I really hope I get enough courage one day soon to end it. I just want it to stop.
Please, God…I just need it to stop.
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