Numb little bug

I told my friends I was struggling on Facebook (I’m very dramatic, God bless me) and that I was suicidal. I did it 1) so that if I went through with killing myself, at least the people I love had a heads up and 2) in case anyone else felt suicidal, they’d know they weren’t alone.

Photo by Pixabay

I took TWO valiums (I rarely even take 1 and try to just have a nap/go for a walk/paint/scrapbook or listen to music to calm myself down rather than use medication but these last few days have been SO TOUGH) and went to bed. I fell into a fitful sleep right away. I was so exhausted it didn’t take long.

I woke up to 17 text messages and 5 missed calls from worried friends. I am so grateful for their love and so blessed by God to have a circle of people that really love me – even though I feel I am completely unlovable – but I’m too numb to feel the love. I’m too lost to feel the support. I’m a numb little bug just trying to keep going.

All I feel is pain…or NOTHING AT ALL.

I don’t know what’s worse.

I wish I had the courage to kill myself, you know. I wish I was brave enough to actually overdose or hang myself or cut my veins or drown myself. I wish I had the fucking ENERGY required to do it, I really do.

Instead, I’m at work. Doing what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing and making money so I can keep my Mom and 14 other relatives alive, fed, clothed, sheltered and whole.

I’ve lived my whole life doing what a good girl SHOULD.

I’m sick of it.

I really hope I get enough courage one day soon to end it. I just want it to stop.

Please, God…I just need it to stop.

2 responses to “Numb little bug”

  1. I feel this to my core. We do what we’re supposed to do to survive but wouldn’t mind if we didn’t. We take our meds, go to therapy, do our jobs, because we have to. Please please please don’t scare your friends like that because people truly care about you even though you are numb to it. I had to learn to feel and see the love of my friends. They give me more of a reason to fight for this thing I don’t really want….life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is sooo hard. Sooo painful. Sooo profoundly lonely feeling suicidal. I didn’t want to hurt or scare my friends, I just wanted to say goodbye. I had every intention to overdose when I made my last Facebook status update and yet I’m still here. I’m a coward. I hate this.

      Like

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