Obligated

Obligated

I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders and OMG IT IS PAINFUL. It’s too heavy! IT’S JUST TOO FUCKING HEAVY!!!

This is what I’m carrying:

  • Responsibility for my Mom since my Dad passed away and THEY SPENT ALL THEIR FUCKING MONEY in 2 years. ALL OF IT. I just don’t understand!!! (Or maybe I do because while my friends who are 10 years younger than me have ‘nest eggs’ of upwards from $10,000.00 in their bank accounts (HOW?!?) I am living from pay to pay every week. Barely).
  • Mom lives in a house (a tiny house by the way) with FOURTEEN OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. So, whatever money I give my Mom gets split 15 ways (ARGGGHHHH!!!) so really, my responsibility is now multiplied by 15. FIFTEEN PEOPLE!!! I can’t. I can’t even...I’m so stressed!!!
  • I have to work as many hours as I can. I AM SO FUCKING BURNT OUT it’s unbelievable.
  • When I’m not working, the house obviously needs to be cleaned. The floors need sweeping, the dishes need washing, the clothes need hanging out…it goes on and on.
  • I can’t rest. Not really. Even when I’m sitting on the couch watching something to just keep my mind from losing the plot completely, thoughts are still racing.
  • My life has been reduced to “I HAVE TO…” and that is not a good place to be in.
  • Alun is super stressed with work and has had 3 FRIENDS DIE this year. He goes through a lot of trauma – literally TRAUMA and that’s largely on me, too. I need to be the strong, fun, dependable, agreeable, lovely wife to a suffering Nurse and I need to be ‘on’ all the time. I can’t keep this up. I want to be there for the love of my life but I can’t even be there for myself how am I supposed to be someone Alun can lean on when I am a crumbling wall of disaster??? HOW???
  • The Agency that’s put me forward for the Switchboard job that starts on Monday 9th May is the same Agency who got my MANIC/Erratic/CRAZY-ASS emails (yep, I was in such a state I sent LOADS of rants to them, well done, Janet – you DICKHEAD) when I was last on the very edge of fucking life -this time last year (Hmm. Maybe I annually lose my shit???) so for them to give “the crazy girl” another chance with this new job is HUGE. I can’t let them down and I can’t call or email and say “Hey, actually, I can’t take that job this time around – I need a few weeks off for my mental health (AAAGGHHHHHH!!!) please consider me for any similar roles that come up in the next month if possible” but OH HOW I WISH I COULD.

I want to die. I literally want to just stop existing because the weight of being is just too fucking much.

I’m sorry for all my swearing lately in these blogs, that’s not who I am but I can’t think of a better way to express how angry, tired, upset, let-down and exhausted I am. I’m really sorry.

7 responses to “Obligated”

  1. Oh dear…it all sounds so tough & overwhelming. I couldn’t do it but somehow I know you can. You seem really strong to me. Donno if this helps though. Hope it all gets easier with time. Especially with the job as things get more familiar. I’m no one to advise cos I’m a mess myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. the feelings are legitimate and in the face of certain facts such as not feeling anger, disappointment, etc. Writing about it is a kind of therapeutic writing, it helps to bring certain emotions out of oneself. Another way to take care of yourself is to then use kind language to express anger etc.
    it becomes like eating well to protect health

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: