"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders and OMG IT IS PAINFUL. It’s too heavy! IT’S JUST TOO FUCKING HEAVY!!!

This is what I’m carrying:

• Responsibility for my Mom since my Dad passed away and THEY SPENT ALL THEIR FUCKING MONEY in 2 years. ALL OF IT. I just don’t understand!!! (Or maybe I do because while my friends who are 10 years younger than me have ‘nest eggs’ of upwards from $10,000.00 in their bank accounts (HOW?!?) I am living from pay to pay every week. Barely).
• Mom lives in a house (a tiny house by the way) with FOURTEEN OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. So, whatever money I give my Mom gets split 15 ways (ARGGGHHHH!!!) so really, my responsibility is now multiplied by 15. FIFTEEN PEOPLE!!! I can’t. I can’t even...I’m so stressed!!!
• I have to work as many hours as I can. I AM SO FUCKING BURNT OUT it’s unbelievable.
• When I’m not working, the house obviously needs to be cleaned. The floors need sweeping, the dishes need washing, the clothes need hanging out…it goes on and on.
• I can’t rest. Not really. Even when I’m sitting on the couch watching something to just keep my mind from losing the plot completely, thoughts are still racing.
• My life has been reduced to “I HAVE TO…” and that is not a good place to be in.
• Alun is super stressed with work and has had 3 FRIENDS DIE this year. He goes through a lot of trauma – literally TRAUMA and that’s largely on me, too. I need to be the strong, fun, dependable, agreeable, lovely wife to a suffering Nurse and I need to be ‘on’ all the time. I can’t keep this up. I want to be there for the love of my life but I can’t even be there for myself how am I supposed to be someone Alun can lean on when I am a crumbling wall of disaster??? HOW???
• The Agency that’s put me forward for the Switchboard job that starts on Monday 9th May is the same Agency who got my MANIC/Erratic/CRAZY-ASS emails (yep, I was in such a state I sent LOADS of rants to them, well done, Janet – you DICKHEAD) when I was last on the very edge of fucking life -this time last year (Hmm. Maybe I annually lose my shit???) so for them to give “the crazy girl” another chance with this new job is HUGE. I can’t let them down and I can’t call or email and say “Hey, actually, I can’t take that job this time around – I need a few weeks off for my mental health (AAAGGHHHHHH!!!) please consider me for any similar roles that come up in the next month if possible” but OH HOW I WISH I COULD.

I want to die. I literally want to just stop existing because the weight of being is just too fucking much.

I’m sorry for all my swearing lately in these blogs, that’s not who I am but I can’t think of a better way to express how angry, tired, upset, let-down and exhausted I am. I’m really sorry.