"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

The worst thing about suffering with mental illness is that you can’t trust yourself. You live in a constant state of gaslighting yourself “did that really happen or did I imagine it?”. It is the worst thing to suffer from – not being able to trust your own thoughts. When I’m in the depths of depression like I am lately, I have to “Catniss Everdeen” myself and remind myself like she did (I love the ‘Hunger Games’ books so much – surprising!) and tell myself what the FACTS are.

These are the FACTS:

I was married to Jon.

We got divorced.

We never had sex.

I suffered a profound loneliness in my marriage.

I was wrong to post a picture comparing Jon to Alun on my Instagram. I own that it was a ‘dick move’ (my friend “Sofia” said that and it made me laugh, so I’m keeping that phrase now), I took it down immediately when “Ethel” messaged me and although I was SO ANGRY when she sent me horrible messages JUDGING ME for what I’d done and telling me off (Facts), I didn’t repost it because I knew it was wrong.

In all the carnage from the ‘war’ (probably not fact) between Ethel and I…a lot came out about the past. I stand by EVERY SINGLE WORD I said because it was all TRUE. That’s a fact, too. I probably shouldn’t have opened up the lid on a private marriage and that was probably very unfair to Jon and I’m sorry about the repercussions he will probably have to deal with (I really am sorry, Jon) but I’m not going to delete my post or my Facebook status because I stand by my words. I stood up for myself after 13 long, lonely years of silence and I will NEVER back down on that.

I thought “everyone hated me” and that I didn’t have any friends left. What actually happened was that I lost a handful of “friends” that I don’t speak to or spend time with anyway. I am okay with that loss. Fact.

Marc R – someone I considered family – blocked me on social media. Fact. That destroyed me. Fact.

Ethel…you horrid old cow…you sent Police to my house. FACT.

But here’s where I got a bit wobbly with it.

I thought I was in trouble – not true.

I thought I was going to be told off for what I’d posted on Facebook and in this blog – that wasn’t even mentioned until I MYSELF brought it up.

Ethel doesn’t have power over the POLICE, she probably tried other methods of getting them to come over “Janet’s been mean to me” “She’s saying things I don’t like online”, quickly figured out they don’t attend house calls for “Facebook fights” and came up with a plan that my life was on the line as her only way to bring Drama literally to my front door.

I thought old Ethel had one over on me. Not true. She sent Police and yes, that definitely rattled me and made my anxiety shoot through the roof…but I was 100% convinced Ethel had the Police on her side…that’s not factually accurate. It is their job to ensure people’s safety and when Ethel told them I was in danger (ARGGHHHH) they had to come and check and make sure I was okay. Once they spoke to me, they were satisfied I wasn’t a threat to myself or to anyone else – and they left. FACT.

So Ethel didn’t “win” and I didn’t “lose”…I was embarrassed, caught unaware and unprepared…but I was okay. If anything, ETHEL WASTED PRECIOUS POLICE RESOURCES (FACT!) and perhaps NEXT TIME she rings, they won’t take it as seriously. I secretly hope they roll their eyes “oh this again” and just delete her ‘request’. Ever heard of the boy who cried wolf, Ethel? Well this is your first and last time; because if you purposefully hurt me like this in future, I will personally fly over and make sure you don’t EVER disrupt my life like that again. I hope you hear me loud and clear on that. THAT too is a FACT.

Not EVERYONE hates me. Fact.

I am not going to die from this. Fact. I will hurt for a long time, yes…but I won’t die.

I need to learn FOR THE LOVE OF GOD that not everything I think and feel needs to be posted online. One day I’ll get it. For now, I’ll just try to limit the amount of people who can see it. Haha. I’m trying, Lord. I’m trying. I promise.

Here’s to 2022 *clink*