1 foot in the past and 1 in the future

With my feet in different directions – I CAN’T MOVE FORWARD. That’s one of the really tough downfalls of having both depression and anxiety running through my mind at the same time. I’m either depressed and dwelling on the past or really anxious about the future.

Photo by Ankur Bagai

I’m deeply hurt and battered from the fight with “Ethel” and it’s outcome in the past 3-5 days…and I’m anxious about moving ahead to the future – a new job contract I’ve agreed to as a Switchboard Operator at a nearby hospital. I think I’m good at phones and at talking to people and getting them through to the right departments so I liked the sound of this job and applied for it…but I’m anxious about it because it sounds very demanding…I’m going to be the voice at the other end of an emergency so I’m worried about how to best help people when I’M CONSTANTLY IN A STATE OF PANIC AND SURVIVAL but I guess I won’t know until I try.

I’m thankful for Psychology sessions with George in the past because they’ve meant that I’m learning more about “Mindfulness” which sounds complicated; but it’s literally just about forcing myself to be in the moment…not rushing ahead with fear (damn anxiety) and not looking behind in tears (damn depression)…just breathing in and back out…and making myself focus on that. My chest going out and up as I breathe in and going down again as I exhale. Realising the wind is on my arms as I walk, feeling my weight in my feet – mostly on the balls of my feet. Understanding that I keep a lot of stress in my neck and shoulders. It’s painful.

Being in the NOW is painful but I’m doing my best. I’m trying…and that’s all I can do right now so I’ll count that as a win.

3 responses to “1 foot in the past and 1 in the future”

  1. You have already helped me with your writing. Makes me feel not so alone and that there’s someone out there who truly understands this constant anxiety we live with. I think you’ll be a great asset in your new vocation. Wishing you the very best. At least you’re brave enough to try something new which is inspiring me to get out of my comfort zone too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Shanti…wonderful girl you are an answer to prayer. I feel less alone when you reach out and comment. Thank you so much. I am cheering in your corner. WHEN YOU ARE READY to try something, you will be AMAZING at it. I believe in you xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I will post an update when I get the courage, and you truly have value the way your encourage people through your own bravery. So I hope you know that. And thank you also for uplifting me with your kind words. Means a lot to me.

        Liked by 1 person

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