With my feet in different directions – I CAN’T MOVE FORWARD. That’s one of the really tough downfalls of having both depression and anxiety running through my mind at the same time. I’m either depressed and dwelling on the past or really anxious about the future.
I’m deeply hurt and battered from the fight with “Ethel” and it’s outcome in the past 3-5 days…and I’m anxious about moving ahead to the future – a new job contract I’ve agreed to as a Switchboard Operator at a nearby hospital. I think I’m good at phones and at talking to people and getting them through to the right departments so I liked the sound of this job and applied for it…but I’m anxious about it because it sounds very demanding…I’m going to be the voice at the other end of an emergency so I’m worried about how to best help people when I’M CONSTANTLY IN A STATE OF PANIC AND SURVIVAL but I guess I won’t know until I try.
I’m thankful for Psychology sessions with George in the past because they’ve meant that I’m learning more about “Mindfulness” which sounds complicated; but it’s literally just about forcing myself to be in the moment…not rushing ahead with fear (damn anxiety) and not looking behind in tears (damn depression)…just breathing in and back out…and making myself focus on that. My chest going out and up as I breathe in and going down again as I exhale. Realising the wind is on my arms as I walk, feeling my weight in my feet – mostly on the balls of my feet. Understanding that I keep a lot of stress in my neck and shoulders. It’s painful.
Being in the NOW is painful but I’m doing my best. I’m trying…and that’s all I can do right now so I’ll count that as a win.