You made me want to die

I do a lot of self reflection, it’s something I’m learning from “a lifetime of being Hospitalised in Psychiatric care“, thanks old “Ethel”.

I’ve been through this before – dealing with a bully. I’ve learnt that they pick on the defenceless, they gather numbers and they go and go and go – not stopping even when the person being bullied begs “no more”…so why is THIS particular incident hurting me sooo much?

I’ve finally figured it out.

What’s hurt me most these last few days is that you kicked me while I was already down. That’s the MAIN thing that’s killing me.

You KNEW from being my so-called FRIEND that in the last year; I’VE LOST MY DAD (unless you’ve experienced it, you have NO IDEA of how crippling it is to lose a parent) I’ve had to juggle TWO Court cases (identity theft and pest control who destroyed our ceiling), I’ve been jipped constantly in employment and subsequent unexpected UNemployment…and my depression has me by the throat on most days which has all lead to a RECENT HOSPITALISATION – so when you came at me with that vitriol in your group Whatsapp post…it was you seeing me literally curled into a ball on the ground and seizing your chance RIGHT THEN to kick me with metal boots on.

You saw me at my MOST VULNERABLE and you saw fit to attack me.

An unfair fight.

THAT’S why I’m struggling so much.

You haven’t just been unkind, you’ve made me suicidal. That’s a new level of bullying I have NEVER encountered before. That’s why I’m feeling so uneasy and unbalanced. This level of hatred is new to me.

You’ve made me question my OWN memory “Did that happen or am I crazy?” and you’ve forced me back into a pit I’ve only RECENTLY managed to pull myself out of.

That to me – shooting someone when they’re walking away from you (their back to you) unarmed and unaware – that’s the lowest of the low…and knowing a (former) FRIEND is why I’m full of bullet holes? I can’t quite wrap my mind around it.

But I’m going to be ok.
I’m not going to let you win.

I’m hurting but you didn’t kill me. Not yet, anyway.

This is my last post to/about you.

I’m moving forward.

From now on, I’ll be busy WITH MY UPCOMING BOOK RELEASE, MY NEW JOB, MY gorgeous husband, my incredible circle of friends and my 45th year of life that’s going to have SO MUCH SUCCESS and BLESSING in it.

6 responses to “You made me want to die”

  1. I am inspired by your inner strength 🌱

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I talk a big talk but I’ve been crying all day. Lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I always tell myself to let things go but they keep playing non stop on my mind – no off button. Anxiety.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I sooo relate 😪 it’s awful, isn’t it?

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Mitch 🙂 you are a blessing

      Liked by 1 person

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