Why am I suicidal right now?
Because I’m triggered.
I’m panicking and I’m drowning and it feels like this will never end.
I can’t see a way out and the voices of doubt, depression and anxiety are TOO LOUD so that suddenly DEATH seems the best way to deal with this searing, unending pain.
It’s scary, but it also gives me a strange peace because at least I’m deciding something.
In the last 2-3 days of this huge fight with “Ethel”, I’ve found myself floundering. I’ve found myself RAGING and I called her the ‘c’ word the other day which nearly had Alun fall over, I’ve never used such a vile word in my entire life.
“I’ve never seen you like this, Janet” Alun sat next to me and put his arm around me. I sobbed into his shoulder and clung to him. I’ve cried so much over the past two days that if God really is collecting my tears, they’ll easily fill a bathtub.
What’s made me feel so deeply unhappy, so very hurt and so suicidal is that “Ethel” knew (or was told about) about my triggers and used ALL of them at once.
Here they are, guys:
Abandonment – because I was abandoned at birth by my biological father; I honestly think I felt and remembered that somehow. In my deep subconscious I know what it’s like FROM BIRTH to be abandoned so to have anyone else do so in my life is a huge trigger. It brings SO MUCH PAIN. So much heartache. So much shame and anger and sooo many questions. Mostly “why?“. During our online war, a handful of friends I thought really highly of…blocked me. They abandoned me at my lowest. That’s hurt me so much.
Being Disliked – as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to be more accepting of it because I’ve faced it time and time again (hahahahahah I’m not as charming as I think I am) and each time, I’m OK. It doesn’t kill me. I’m not injured, I’m just (a term my friend Sam would use:) “butt hurt” and over time, I get over it. So when I come across someone who doesn’t like me now – I just shrug. I think “Well…you do you” and I try my hardest not to think about it again.
But when it’s someone I love? Someone I trust/trusted? Oh my word…that hurts on so many deep levels. And that’s what Ethel’s put me through of late. So much active hatred from people I thought I could trust has really put me into a deep, dark, dangerous place. Ethel’s tipped my world upside down and watched in cackling delight as I’ve tried to pick up all the pieces and put them back – where did this come from and where does it belong? How did my safe, quiet little world get so badly wrecked? Hurricane Ethel came and ripped all my lovely trees up, destroyed streams and mountains, tore up fields of sweet-smelling wildflowers in the landscapes of my soul and then left me there…looking at all the destruction with tears running down my face.
Being blamed/accused for something I didn’t do. This is a HUGE trigger because I’ve experienced the unfairness of it so much and it’s so painful! To be blamed for something I had nothing to do with stems back to arguments with my drunk Dad. Being blamed unfairly puts me back into small rooms of the house with Dad shouting at me – at the the top of his lungs; fury in his eyes and fear in mine – as I tried to gently explain that no, I didn’t leave the milk out – I’m lactose intolerant so it it wasn’t me, Dad. No, I didn’t leave the front door open – I’ve been in my room all day – reading and burying my sorrows in “Sweet Valley High” – I’ve not been out and I’ve not been anywhere near the front door. Had I been, I would have shut it behind me. In my adult life, I get fired constantly for things I didn’t do. Each time it happens, a piece of my self belief gets destroyed. Torn apart. Never to be seen again. I constantly get thrown under the bus for things I had no awareness of and that WINDS ME UP SOOO MUCH. I hate it!!! I hate being punished for something I didn’t do. The INJUSTICE of it makes me sick.
Being Bullied. I can’t stand it. I can’t bear the weight of the SHAME of it. I remember – I was so small, in a circle of white kids at school and they were all pushing me, calling me “nigger” and saying how dirty and ugly I was. “Why are your gums black – don’t you brush your teeth, nigger?”. I don’t know why. As hard as I tried to brush them, I’d just get bleeding gums. They are just that colour. I can’t change that. To be put back in that place of being bullied by Ethel’s online rampage…oh the pain is so great I sometimes think it literally will kill me. I’ve been back there a few times in my adult life – trying to cope with managers who bully me and when I stand up to them I get fired…but rarely do I get bullied by someone I’ve known for so long. For Ethel so not only bully me and lie to and about me – but for her to encourage others to do the same – that’s been almost unbearable pain for me to experience. It’s like I’m 5 years old again, wondering why I couldn’t be the same colour as the other kids, discreetly smelling myself when they left and wondering why they said I ‘smelled’ and was “dirty” because to myself, I smelt fine. I showered and brushed my teeth every day. What was so wrong with me?
My beloved friend Kristy – who I look up to because she is such a beautiful example of gentleness and Godliness – gently suggested I think of the good things that have happened in the past few days. It’s been so hard!!! But because I’ve practiced gratefulness for so much of my life, I’m able to list things I’m thankful for.
Here we go:
Alun – the love of my life and my fierce advocate during this “war of Ethel”. Alun and I were joking, saying we’d need 2 plane tickets and a brick. About 5 minutes later, Alun piped up “We don’t need to pack a brick – they have plenty of them in Liverpool” and it was so absurd and so funny in such a time of sadness that we both burst out laughing. You know the belly laughing you do where tears run down your face, you struggle to breathe and you’re laughing so hard that even a tiny bit of wee comes out? THAT type of laughing. It was wonderful. I treasure times such as these with my husband.
My friends – my REAL friends have stepped up and have messaged me so much love and support that my once empty cup has been re-filled. Those messages of “I love you, Janet” “I’m here for you – always” “I see you” “I hear you, Janet” “I’M ON YOUR SIDE” “I’m praying for you” “You are the strongest person I know” “I will always be your friend” “You won’t lose me, Bez – I’m not going anywhere”…those messages felt to me like friends turning up to replant seedlings of new flowers in my heart’s torn landscape. Together; we’ll plant new grass seeds and build new gardens, new landscapes. New buildings. New bright bubbling streams by large bodies of water. Friends are turning up constantly in the last 48 hours – their kind words and support turning metaphorically into gardening tools, building blocks, measuring tape, dirty hands and big smiles…they are here. They are REAL. They are what matters.
I got a new job 🙂 I work in a GORGEOUS office in the city with views over the River which are just stunning. I was anxious about coming in as a ‘newbie’ but the lady I’m covering for really loves her job and is super dependable so she did all the work for me 🙂 Carolyn – bless her – has booked all the meeting rooms, ordered catering, organised workmen to fix things and ordered supplies and stationery to last over the next 2 weeks. All I have to do – is show up. I will probably have a few phone calls to answer but other than that, I get to look at a stunning view ALL DAY and blog to you all 🙂 not bad for a FORTUNE per hour. I’m sitting pretty and earning the dollars. I’m proud of that and thankful for it.
You know what, Kristy? You’re right – it DID help me feel better.
I’m employed (woohoo)
I’m still standing.
I’m going to be okay.