"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’m watching “Mindhunter” on Netflix and as shocking and appalling as the serial murders are (honestly sometimes I cover my phone screen with my hand, I can’t bear to watch the violence or the suffering of the poor, innocent people getting murdered).

But a part of me is curious about the workings of the mind in people who kill. How could they possibly do something like that to someone?

So I watch A LOT of Crime documentaries and series’ on Serial Killers. It’s fascinating to see the WHY behind it and in so many cases, it’s because the killer lived such a horrible life of abandonment, mistreatment and abuse.

I honestly think I’m made up of two girls. One half of me is rainbows and lollipops and the other half is hurt, bent and broken and can actually relate to feeling abandoned, alone, unwanted and really heart broken by the things I’ve gone through. The thing is, I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone else – not physically anyway. I have a mouth on me, that’s for sure and if someone comes at me or at anyone I love, my tongue will verbally TAKE THEM DOWN and cut them to ribbons. But I wouldn’t murder anyone. Oh my word, no!

There are people who have been abused, hurt, broken and treated like dirt who grow up to become the best people ever. They go on to become Doctors, Nurses, Social workers, Teachers, Professors, Clerks, Engineers…they go on to do INCREDIBLE things. They don’t repeat the abuse. That’s what gets me with people who do. Why do they do it? Because I’m 100% of the mind that just because you’ve been treated badly (and some of the things these people have suffered are too dark to even write about)…doesn’t give you ANY excuse to go and hurt others.

As I’m watching “Mindhunter” though, I’m reminded of biographies that are being turned into movies now of a lot of famous people. When I watched the one on Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” and got to see inside Freddy Mercury’s life, it made me want to reach out and hug him. Same with watching “Rocketman” and seeing Elton John’s biopic. The part when Elton goes back as an adult to see his Dad and really wants his approval – that just breaks me. I know what that’s like, Elton and to survive it is like surviving the worst blow of your life. I feel you, dude. I’m so proud of you and you deserve all your success, you really do.

When you hear someone’s story about why they are the way they are – there is only (for me, anyway) a compassionate response. I might not understand why you did whatever you did…but when I hear your story, I can understand at least what lead to it…and that’s really important.

I think is why writing my Memoir was sooo important to me. It’s my version – in first person – of my life and will let you into why I’m the way I am.

I hate being abandoned because I suffered through it for so much of my life. If you want to leave me, I get that. I’m not easy to be around – so yes, leave me…but tell me before you do, ok? That’s all I ask.

I hate “silent treatment” because it’s how my Dad would punish me and it would last MONTHS. I like to be talked to. Even if you’re angry with me – I’d rather hear you yell at me because then I’m actually being acknowledged.

Words of affirmation are my love language and I’d much rather be punched in the face than gossipped about.

We are all wired differently and so much of who we are is built up of our childhoods and events that happened to shape us.

I would love my story to go out to everyone who feels like an outcast. Anyone who feels alone, unappreciated, unacknowledged. I’m hoping my Memoir makes it into the hands of the hurting and the lonely. I hope it feels like a paper hug to whoever picks it up and reads it, I really do.

I think once we know each other’s story, we are able to have a little more compassion and maybe understanding for them.

That’s the hope, anyway.

Onto episode 4 of Mindhunter 🙂