It’s just easier to lie.

Friends text: “Hey, how are you?”

I try to tell the truth.

Me 🙂

“Slowly dying” I type as tears roll down my face.

Delete.

“Struggling. I feel like I can’t go on another minute. This f**king sucks”

Delete.

“I miss my Dad sooo f**king much!!! Since he died, a hopeful, shiny part of me died too and now I hate this stupid world and everything in it”

Delete.

“S.O.S” ? (Save MY soul? Please help me!!!)

Delete.

“When I breathe, my lungs burn because this f**king depression makes EXISTENCE so FUCKING PAINFUL…hbu?”

Delete.

“Wondering if I have any value at all – and coming up with a huge, resounding NO that echoes off the walls around me”

Delete.

“Lying on the kitchen floor and praying – PLEADING for my heart to stop. For the pain to stop. For even just a minute so I can catch my fucking breath”

Delete.

“Astounded that 35mls LESS of effing mood stabilisers that have made me SICK 24/7 for the last 6 months have now made me question whether to stay alive today because it all just seems too effing hard. How is this so? After only cutting down on a stupid medication 💊 by half? How? HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS?”

Delete.

Taking shuddering breaths, I tap with shaking fingers on my phone’s screen:

“Doing ok. Haha. And you?”

Send.

5 responses to “It’s just easier to lie.”

  1. I don’t want to lie but always end up saying I’m fine. Everyone around me expects me to be positive which I often think is toxic. Toxic positivity which was the worst thing during cancer treatment. Really felt alone then. Your blog is truly cathartic to read.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s awful to lie, truly…but everyone expects happiness always. Such a hard standard to live up to. Your beautiful blog brings love and light to so many. Keep writing ✍ ✨️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for the encouragement Janet. You always write about things I can identify with so much. I’m very much a social recluse (social anxiety etc) but interacting online feels so comforting to me.

        Liked by 1 person

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